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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else's partner.... never stay out later than 9pm??? Aaaagh!!

75 replies

SweetSeraphim · 30/07/2013 21:34

I know I am probably BU.

I love him dearly. But he's ALWAYS HERE. He goes out so very rarely, and rushes home as soon as possible to start making noise at me Angry

I had the house to myself this evening. For 2 WHOLE HOURS. And I resent him coming home so quickly. I resent never having any length of time alone, I need it. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't seem to understand. He says he does, but he clearly doesn't, or lese he would leave me alone sometimes!

I sound like a right bitch. But it is driving me up the fucking wall.

What do you do with these men? Give me some fucking space will you? Does it sound like too much to ask??

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetSeraphim · 30/07/2013 21:35

Ooops. It was going to be lighthearted-ish. Now I sound like I'm proper angry about it all Blush

OP posts:
Caster8 · 30/07/2013 21:42

Is he trying to control you?
Or does he not like being out at all.

CoffeeandScones · 30/07/2013 21:45

Sounds bad doesn't it, but ikwym, and also in a half-jokey-but-half-serious way.

What happened to the persons we met who were out doing things and with goals and ambitions? It's too subtle a feeling for me to put in words, but it kind of makes you feel... Hmmm about whether this is it for the rest of life now. Coming back home, them being there and sitting watching TV. For ever.

It's harsh isn't it. I'm being harsh. But go out once, please!

newforest · 30/07/2013 21:48

Mine's the same - usually in bed by 9 too! He chooses to get up really early so never stays up late.

We do give each other a lot of space though, so we don't have that issue.

It sounds as though he really loves being with you - so sweet! :P

Original poster
SweetSeraphim · 30/07/2013 21:59

Caster8 - I'm not sure. Not sure at all. I think he genuinely likes us to be together all the time Confused That is something I really don't understand. But there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind that thinks there is an element of control to it as well.

CoffeeandScones

Yes. This. Angry

newforest, if he decided to go to bed early once in a while, I wouldn't mind so much! But he doesn't do that either. He stays by my side until I want to go to bed. If I say I'm having an early night, he comes with me.

I have been quite harsh in the past with him, and told him that I'm going to bed early to read, but he looks like I've kicked a puppy. It's maddening.

I am led to believe that introverts gain energy from solitude. I just never seem to get any! I've even been known to book a day off on leave just to have a few hours to myself in the house.

I honestly don't know how to sort this out. It makes me ever so resentful.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 30/07/2013 22:20

My ex was like this. It is ultimately why he is now my ex. I felt utterly suffocated. I never got a minute to myself.

Every now and again when he said he was going to bed I would say "oh I really want to watch the news at 10", as I knew he hated it and just wanted some solitude. On these occasions he would persistently come downstairs as he "was thirsty". Whenever we went to bed at the same time, he never once got out of bed for a drink.

I would sit downstairs anticipating the creak on the stairs and sure enough! He never left me alone, he was there every morning before work and home before me too. I had literally no time to myself. It's probably no surprise to learn I live alone and my boyfriend lives in his own house!

Smartiepants79 · 30/07/2013 22:30

I do know what you mean. I really need my own space. My DH does go out a fair bit but I always get irrationally annoyed if he comes home early or cancels a night out.
I have my evening planned out. I like remote control, control!

Unexpected · 30/07/2013 22:34

That would drive me mad! But it's difficult for him to go out on a whim. Does he have any hobbies, does he go to the pub with friends? On the rate occasions when he does go out, what is he doing? If he doesn't have a reason to be out, then he can't just walk around the streets to keep out of your way?

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2013 00:31

Do you have young children?

Could you take up a sport like running or swimming where you could go every day and have an hour or so to yourself? Would he go with you?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/07/2013 05:35

I understand, OP! Even Iimperial's suggestion never worked for me, because it was time alone in my space that I craved. Mine is more of a night owl than I am, and I do sometimes find myself saying "you were awfully tired this morning, maybe an early night would help?" which I'm sure drives him up the wall but there we have it.

In our case, I just told DH straight out that sometimes I needed to be alone, and I will say "I am going to bed to read for a while". It's partially fixed itself as a problem now anyway, since mine suddenly joined an art class a couple of years ago and never misses a week (this after twelve years of living together, if that gives you hope), but I would still like more time alone then I get.

coffeewineandchocolate · 31/07/2013 05:43

can you just be blunt? say to him ´ I'm feeling suffocated and its affecting how I feel about our relationship so every Wednesday I want a night to myself. go to the cinema, pub, anything but I don't want to see you before 11pm.'

it may hurt his feelings but I'm guessing he would be more upset if it all came to a head and you ended the relationship!

Numberlock · 31/07/2013 05:52

What do you mean by to start making noise at me?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/07/2013 06:02

But coffee, you can't kick someone out of their own house until late in the evening once a week, you just can't. You can take yourself into another room, you can take yourself out of the house, but you can't ask someone to sit on their own in a bar nursing a beer and watching the clock every week.

drinkyourmilk · 31/07/2013 06:03

I'll have to show my OH this thread, because I'm sure he thinks I'm mean and abnormal when I tell him to Bugger off every now and then. I have friends I see, and hobbies out of the house. He doesn't. I also work longer hours than him, and go to bed much earlier due to work hours. Therefore he is always there. I just want him to go out every now and then. Let me read, bake, watch SVU in peace. Alone.

coffeewineandchocolate · 31/07/2013 06:13

Tortoise, why not? If you are in a relationship surely it's normal to discuss any issues and needs you have? if not weekly then fortnightly? it sounds as tho it would do him some good as well to find a hobby/ friends and loosen his grip on OP.

It's unlikely him being in another room would allow OP to relax unless she could be confident he could relax and occupy himself rather than be counting down the minutes.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/07/2013 06:17

Of course you can discuss issues! I said up-thread, I am blatant about going to bed to read/be on my own, do not follow me. And I think it's fine to say, having some space in the house is important to me, can we work something out. But some people are not very sociable, they're shy or they're not joiners or they're just homebodies - until my DH found his art class, this was absolutely him. He would have found the idea of going out weekly excruciating, he wasn't good at making friends, the friends we do have are mutual and he never initiates social events with them, etc. So home is his comfort zone - kicking him out once a week is just not reasonable, honestly I can't see how it could be.

Vivacia · 31/07/2013 06:29

I agree, I wouldn't dream of telling someone they couldn't be home just because I wanted to be alone. My needs don't trump theirs. However, we do spend time in separate rooms, probably once a night.

Can you get a long, hot bath alone?

coffeewineandchocolate · 31/07/2013 06:30

but there's no suggestion from op that it's an issue that her dp struggles socially- just that he likes to spend time with her at home. Yes, not going out with friends might be suggestive of it, but not exclusively. My dh doesn't go out in the evening except for his specific hobby. if he didn't have his long term hobby he probably wouldn't bother at all. it's not because he struggles socially but because he works all day and (by his own admission) has become lazy about meeting new people.

When we first got together he wasn't doing his hobby as he had moved. I had exactly the conversation I am suggesting with him- highlighting my need for space and his need to have his own life and interests. It was a little awkward at first but he has since commented how he it's so glad he has HIS Wednesdays!

I still think that if it has the potential to build resentment on the relationship it's worth a try. weekly was a suggestion as that fits with classes/events etc but maybe initially fortnightly or monthly if he struggles socially?

Carolra · 31/07/2013 06:30

I lived with a boyfriend like this once, he worked from home and didn't have a lot of friends so he was always in the house -always. It drove me insane... He was an absolute sweetheart though and he'd dutifully "go out" every now and again to give me some time on my own, but it was impossible to relax because I knew he was just out there somewhere waiting till he thought he could come home. It was pretty awful, I don't think it directly led to us breaking up but his reluctance to socialise and have any interests at all certainly did. He was just so boring to be with. That said, I hear he's moved out to the country now and regularly surfs and mountain bikes, so perhaps it was just me Smile

ofmiceandmen · 31/07/2013 07:25

Perhaps I am reading this wrong: are you saying OP that you do not go out to work, that you do not socialise, that you do not go out with friends or take time out at a museum or theatre or anything.

You do realise that for him to always be at home with you, You are technically always at home with him too?

So a guy loves you and after a day at work playing "lets pretend to be someone else" he wants to spend an hour (I assume you sleep at a descent hour) with his wife or dear partner? Wow what an evil chap.

Look at what you are doing rather than what he is doing. go out get a life, then you've solved your problem. He's not saying you can't go out, he's saying he wants to be near you when you are together.

Bet if he went out often and switched his phone off or just wasnt in touch you'd suggest he was having an affair. He can't win can he- he's well and truly set up. Hmm

liquidstate · 31/07/2013 07:47

OP - Am an introvert so I feel your pain. However three months of counseling at Relate finally drummed it into DHs head that I need space. Fortunately I have a job where I can work from home and this helps (although I don't get much work done!).

It has got better but I feel less guilty about doing things to make sure I get my time. I pretend to meet up with friends for girls nights out but actually just go to the theatre or cinema by myself. I do meet up with friends occasionally. Am actually fairly sociable.

I think very few people understand how introverts work. My heart sinks when DH returns home earlier than expected and I haven't had enough time to recharge. I do love him though.

Boosterseat · 31/07/2013 07:56

DH is a homebody, he likes chilling out with DS so very rarely goes out. I used to worry about it, he never seemed depressed or bored so i spoke to his DM who said he never went out much as a kid, preferred to be home relaxing playing games with his brother.

DH is happy the way he is so I just let him be.

Plus, neither of us watch much TV so there are no remote control issues.

Perhaps your DP just likes his home comforts? Having said that, if you feel there is a control element then you need to have a discussion, his anti-social habits should not impact your life choices.

filee777 · 31/07/2013 08:02

I couldn't imagine being sad that my husband was at home, I can't imagine asking him to 'stay away' on my behalf

Occasionally I have asked him to do something else while I Zumba in the lounge but that's all.

Caster8 · 31/07/2013 08:18

Is he your husband?
Do you have children?
Are his parents the same as him?
What were his previous relationships like?

It looks a bit less like control, if even in the house, he goes to bed at whatever time you go to bed!

MrsPennyapple · 31/07/2013 09:07

I understand how you feel, OP.

My DH does go out, most Saturday nights, but doesn't normally leave the house until 9.30pm. I'm sitting here thinking "haven't you gone yet?" I am pg at the moment, so getting tired earlier and earlier, and right now I can't stay awake much past 10.30, and I'm really missing my few hours alone. Just being in a different room in the house doesn't really fulfil the "alone time" need in me. However, DH does understand my need for solitude, and does what he can to give that to me, which I am very grateful for. It must be difficult when your DH doesn't really get it, it does sound suffocating.

A PP makes a valid point though, do you go out, have hobbies that take you out of the house of an evening? I know you want that "at home" time, but getting out of the house to do something you enjoy might help. In spending a little bit more time apart, you might appreciate your time together more.

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