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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pretty teary though wonder if I am being selfish

26 replies

MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 18:14

I needed a friend the other week and texted a friend. She replied she was out with friends and about to eat so I said would talk later. She later acknowledged that she felt she wasn't there for me when I needed her. (I rarely ask for support and it would have been clear I needed some.) I didn't mention it when I replied to her letter as tbh I am fed up of feeling like I have to put her feelings first even when I do need support but didn't want to bring it up again.

Today I had devastating news so texted an initial hi, how are you text. Didn't want to send a big text if she wasn't going to get it or be in a position to reply. I get back that she has been to hospital and really needs to go to bed. I say to her to rest and we will talk later. I ask if all okay.

I know I could have told her my news and asked for support and my choice not too. My choice to put her first. But tbh I feel like crap after the bad news and just wish I did have support.

I can take it if I should just ask for help even if she has had a tough day too but really don't want a massive kicking tbh. My MH can't take it today after the news I have had.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 30/07/2013 18:41

Sounds like you need a better class of friend tbh. Try on here, there are loads of listening ears and most of them belong to kind people.

Clearly, whatever your news is, what you really need is a big fluffy hug. Yes I know we don't do them here - we do really, but only when the situation calls for it. No kicking.

Pancakeflipper · 30/07/2013 18:48

Have you not got support elsewhere?

TBH the first time she was upfront and said she was out having a meal with friends and you said you'd talk later.

Today it sounds like she has a day of crap, and you only sent a 'Hi' text - she's not to know from that you have had devastating news.

If you hold back then she won't know. If you are upfront and she holds back then you know she's not there for you in times of need.

As Anniegetyourgun says - people on here will help. And those in MH section will alway help out.

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 18:49

Thank you Flowers.

I bear in mind her ill health but that isn't going to change and does it mean I can never ask for support when she is probably always going to have a lot to deal with?

I do need a hug and a huge glass of wine. I feel crap and have never felt safe to discuss it on here tbh. It is all so difficult.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 30/07/2013 18:50

You were being thoughtful . Most people put themselves first .I have had former friends like this . I think you could buy yourself something nice for tea and maybe a trashy magazine . Do something for yourself . Thanks If I was there I would hug you.

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 18:50

I feel that we can understand what each other needs through the difference in our texts tbh. She got it last time that I needed support so don't think it is unreasonable that she won't get it again though fine if I am wrong. I just get tired of always putting others first tbh and feeling like I don't get the same when I really need it.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 30/07/2013 18:51

ahh so this is a theme in your relationship with her and not just one of those weeks ?

Go to MH if you are struggling. You don't have to give chapter and verse on what is going on in your life. Just go and get some support.

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 18:52

Thank you Pancake and Sparky.

Both times I texted the same message really an my subsequent reply was clear I was reacting to her news and putting her first.

She can be amazing but also not.

I wish I was brave enough to ask for her. This must be so annoying to read.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 30/07/2013 18:55

No body knows who you are on here . Don't put your issue in AIBU as most replies tend to be yes and quite unsympathetic . I do know what you mean as I am struggling with my parents awful behavior and I just can't put it all in words as it makes it all real.Sad Your friend and you both seem to be having a crap time . Spa day ?!Wink

AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 18:58

Why don't you just tell us, here and now, what is up ?

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 18:59

I wish I was brave enough to ask for her

That was supposed to say ask for help here.

Oh this is too much. Just wanted someone Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 19:01

Because I don't feel I can. I didn't plan too. Just the friend issue.
I have a court case pending and it is about that

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 19:03

I know you didn't plan to, but you could ride on the momentum you have here and get it off your chest ?

Pancakeflipper · 30/07/2013 19:04

As I say, pop to MH and say you are feeling low at the moment and lonely.

I think it is worth sending your mate a text to say "I am having a crap day too." She might be up to laying in bed having a text conversation by now.

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 19:04

Scared of the legal ramifications though of discussing it on here Confused. If they saw it it would be obvious it was "me."

OP posts:
Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 19:05

She hasn't replied to me text.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 19:05

OK. I see what you mean. That sounds sensible if it is an ongoing situation.

Pancakeflipper · 30/07/2013 19:05

She might be sleeping...

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 19:09

I have thought about talking about it once it is all over but then thought Blush why would anyone be interested. No one knows me Smile.

I appreciate you all posting. I have calmed down a bit and are trying to be grown up Blush.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 30/07/2013 19:13

If you want support once all over then people will help ( don't post in AIBU though) and listen. Someone may have been through similar which might help you feel less alone.

Sometimes just typing it all out helps. And you might type it all out and never post it as a message.

But just get through things day by day. Support often comes from the most surprising of places and I hope support comes to you.

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 19:23

Thank you. Only 5 people know in real life but unfortunately dh is the only one who is guaranteed to be there. I don't expect people to be there all the time but it hurts when you don't get support when you do ask for it. I realise I don't actually have many real friends. I can't tell people and the ones who know are very very busy with their own lives.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 30/07/2013 19:45

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. In terms of your OP though, from those incidents it doesn't seem like she is a bad friend. If she was just about to sit down to a meal and you didn't tell her that something was upsetting you it seems perfectly reasonable to say "ill talk to you later". Texting "hi how are you" is in no way asking her for help or support so I don't know why you would expect her to offer it - she's not a mind reader. She replied she was feeling crap - you could have messaged her to let her know what you were going through. If she hasn't responded well then, then yes she's being crap, but nothing she's done from what you have posted seems like she is being a crap friend.

Obviously you are in the situation and know if there is more to it, but from the OP she doesn't appear to have done anything wrong really. You need to try to stop putting other people first as you seem to beat yourself up about it and make yourself feel shit. There is no shame in asking for support and sharing when you need help with friends. She would probably be horrified if she knew you were feeling like this - but she isn't a mind reader.

If there's more to this I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I can only go on what you have told us.

I hope everything works out with the court case and that you get the support you need.

McBalls · 30/07/2013 19:54

Sorry you're feeling bad, can you maybe talk to dh?

What did you message her after she told you she had been at the hospital? (You say she didn't reply to your last msg)

McBalls · 30/07/2013 19:54

Sorry...you already posted what you'd said

Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 20:11

I suppose I expect her to know as my usual texts are longer, chatty and asking after her as well as telling her anything the children have done. The shorter ones are usually to see if she is about, etc before I ask her advice or tell her news where I need a friend. I have always done this and would expect her to know by now tbh.

I was just thinking how often she will say stuff and I always have to say positive things and say of course you are brilliant, coping well etc etc when sometimes I would like to say actually I am sad you weren't there for me or I was upset by how you wrote to me. Once I did say what I wanted and she didn't acknowledge it at all. I was upset she said she hadn't heard from me for a while when I had written to her 8 times in a month, texted every day or every other day and sent cards too (she was in hospital. I didn't expect replies though was slightly annoyed at a dramatic text and then nothing for days) This was after I had taken 3 days to send a letter the week she was out of hospital.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissStrawberry · 30/07/2013 20:13

I would never text out of the blue to say I needed a friend. Would be horrible to reach out to someone and get nothing back - as happened before and it so upsetting. The normal text first to see if they are free, etc works better for me.

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