Relationship counselling and young DC - childcare question

[issynoho]

DP and I are due to start relationship counselling after a very long 2 months on the waiting list. We need someone to have the DC for 2 hours but I'm not comfortable with telling my parents or my in-laws why we need the DC looking after.

It's a first appointment but will probably lead to about 6 weekly sessions.

There is a neighbour I could ask, but again, not fantastically comfortable with explaining why.

Am I being weird? How do other people manage?

Couldn't you just say that you want to spend some quality time together? Would they need further explanation? It's nothing to be ashamed of though.

I suppose so, although the in-laws wouldn't get the idea of quality time. I'm quite a private person and I think I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that things have got to this stage between us, so the thought of how to explain that to others is a bit overwhelming.

I just came out with it to my parents and in laws. I think they were more helpful because of it as they wanted our relationship to survive almost as much as we did.

You're braver than me .

I don't get on very well with my in-laws and my parents already think DP isn't quite good enough for me, so guess I want to avoid explaining very personal things to a. people who don't get me or b. judgemental folk.

I am being a total wimp.
I think I will ask my neighbour.

If it's likely to be weekly sessions I think you'd be better off with a childminder rather than friends and family.

Fine to ask a neighbour for the initial consultation though.

It's on a Saturday. I've never used a childminder - do they work Saturdays?

Childminders are just ordinary (but CRB checked and safe) people looking after other people's children in their own home for money so some will agree to work on a saturday and some won't - there's no harm in asking! There must be some who do though, as there are certainly plenty of parents in retail jobs where weekend working is part of the job.

Your local council or children-and-families centre will have a list of local childminders that you can ring around - or create an account on a site like www.childcare.co.uk and say in your profile that you are specifically looking for a childminder who can work on saturdays. You can't actively initiate contact with people unless you sign up to a paid account but childminders looking for new customers check for new members or updated profiles in their areas regularly and will have a paid account so anyone interested and available will contact you themselves.

Have you a close friend you could ask?

Our dc were 6 and 4 when we had counselling. Mil knew(and paid for it) but location meant she couldn't look after dc. But a mutual friend was an absolute star and came over every Wednesday evening for six weeks.

My close friend is away a lot this summer so out of the picture.

Thanks for the childminder info Iris.

I have mixed feelings about this. I guess it's all about the balance and telling the right people at the right time, not when you're pressured to do so. I am not comfortable telling my mum as we're not very close so I avoid the subject, but on the other hand I told a friend just before my initial assessment and felt much better for it (no details just that we're struggling and that I booked an appointment). She was very supportive without being intrusive - absolutely the right person to share this with.

In your case I would look into paid childcare, if you can afford it, it's more reliable and would remove the pressure to talk about it until you're ready. If that's not possible then I think you have to bite the bullet and tell the actual reason to the person who will be looking after your kids; simply because this friend or relative needs to know it's critically important that you have this time to yourselves child-free. Quality time may be misinterpreted as your 'want' (nice-to-have kinda thing) and not a real need to be somewhere at a particular time and place.

I have the exact same problem. For the first session we invented a 'doctors appointment' and for the next one we used the 'quality time' line. I hate blustering round it like this but don't want family to know so I think we'll book babysitter in future. In our town there's a babysitting company that have crb checked sitters you can book.

use paid childcare. check online for local babysitting companies.