How do I know if he makes me unhappy..or if I'M just unhappy?

[PatButchersEarring]

Just that really.

I'm thinking of separating from DP. Not for the first time.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship (him with past problems with weed smoking, him generally being uncommunicative, moody etc. Me being bossy, a bit highly strung, bit of a perfectionist, maybe unforgiving etc).

Things are generally much better now that he has stopped smoking and as far as I know, the weed has totally stopped. I'd like to believe this, but he has in the past lied about this until I found the evidence.

We've had a dreadful year. We've lost a baby at a late stage, had to appeal for DD's school place, had issues with rental properties causing slight financial problems. There has been other stuff too.

I now feel emotionally battered. I feel as though I have taken on the responsibility for much of what's gone on, whilst DP has been great around the house, but has been 'zoned out' for most of it in that he has been disinterested in stuff, and therefore it's been me who's had to deal with it (or so I feel).

He doesn't really listen when I talk to him, often doesn't really respond when I try to talk to him and doesn't really 'engage' with me (not new problems, any of them really).

Laughs are few and far between. Last week, we had a conversation (in front of friends) which was an everyday sort of conversation- but I felt as though he was deliberately misunderstanding my meaning in order to create a problem where there wasn't one. He denies this. I felt as though the joy had been ripped out of the evening because of it and was also deeply embarrassed. Later, I felt he was rude to me. He says the reason he spoke to me in the way he did later was that he was already in a bad mood because of the earlier falling out.

The issue is that I'm not happy with him...but how do I know that I would be any happier without him?

What if it's just that I'm not happy, generally?

Can I or should I be thinking of disrupting DD's (4) life if actually it's not the relationship that's the problem?

So confused. Thanks for reading.

"The issue is that I'm not happy with him...but how do I know that I would be any happier without him?"

Do you ever spend time apart? Do you feel happy when you hear his key in the door or a do you have to suppress a groan? Do you look forward to him going off and doing his own thing more than you look forward to spending time together? When you're out with friends do you feel 'yourself', relaxed, happy etc. or do you still feel tense, act bossy and all the rest? Have you sought medical advice or counselling for stress, depression or grief?

Could you take your daughter away for a few days, eg to stay with your parents, to give yourself some distance, time alone and the space to work out what you want?

Cogito No, I don't look forward to spending time with him. Well, not usually anyway. If I'm honest, we have hardly had chance to go out at all- either with each other or on our own. I think I need to make a concerted effort to do something about that.

Numberlock It would be great to do that. Unfortunately, we have very, very limited family support (both mum's are deceased), so we don't really have that option. I also run a business from home, so am fairly limited in being able to go away. He will not entertain the idea of going away for a while without us.

So you're thrown together all the time, work from home, get no space to yourself to socialise either individually or as a couple, there have been some stressful events and you're starting to hate the sight of him. I'd class it as 'Marital Cabin Fever'. Even best mates are going to be at each other's throats in those conditions.

How about you organising a weekend away somewhere without him? Go see an old friend for a few days or just check into a seaside B&B with a few paperbacks?