help- really long, sorry.

[picpoul]

I can't cope any more, too much going on.

Me and DH are near splitting because I don't love him and can't give him what he needs. He is a very lovely man and my best friend and a great dad, but the other part, the couple part, has died. It's really sad but after 3 rounds of counselling, I don't know what else we can do.

I think it's mainly my fault, partly because I have always struggled with sex/ intimacy and also because I am in love with someone else. I've always loved this other man so I don't think DH ever stood much of a chance. I only realised that recently- he still has such a strong hold over me. He lives abroad and I haven't seen him for years then he just appeared suddenly a few weeks ago. He's over visiting cos his Dad is dying, which is awful of course. But these very intense feelings came back and I can't think about much else at the moment.

He also kissed me before he left, which has completely turned my world upside down. I've been in love with him for 18 years and I always thought I wasn't good enough for him. Not pretty enough.

I've never done anything like that before in 14 years with my DH and it was a bit of a shock. I'm reeling now. Completely besotted with him, like some lovesick adolescent. I'm a fool though because he doesn't love me, in fact I think he used me which really hurts. He is occupying about 95% of my thoughts at the minute. I'm not eating/sleeping/ able to concentrate at work/ look after the kids properly...it all just feels OW OW OW.

My business is hugely stressful and financially a nightmare. DH has stopped working for the business and finally has a job which is great because we've been struggling financially for the last 5 years- basically we've had no regular income the whole time. It's not like the house has been repossessed or anything but it's just constantly not knowing how we are going to manage that's been stressful.

DS2 was very sick for the first year of his life. He had several big surgeries, a stoma for a while (which I really struggled with), most of his colon removed and some godawful daily physiotherapy on his bottom, which I had to do to him, and which I can barely say let alone think about. His health is good now but he has ongoing issues

What else... I'm just struggling to cope with life. I've doubled my ADs which is helping but I'm sad about my marriage, sad that the person I love doesn't want me, can't deal with my business because it's such intense pressure all the time, I'm drinking way too much and have started smoking again (IDIOT).

I know everyone has stuff going on, and much,much worse than me but I feel like I'm on the edge of losing my grip. I wish I was stronger and could manage everything but I can't...I honestly feel like I'm not cut out for life (not suicidal, just overwhelmed).

Sorry for the long, moany, isn't-my-life-so-awful post. I feel a bit pathetic, but there you are.

Firstly never apologise for your own situation being less critical than someone else's, who's to say what's ranked higher, there's no scoring system.

Now, if only you could....

Turn back the clock? Rewrite 14 years? Not marry DH? Skip having DCs?

Wake up! Forget this shadowy creature who waltzes back in your life long enough to charm you into imagining how different things could have been. Not good or pretty enough for him? All right for DH though. Unless he poor sap is barely better than mediocre. What of the OM, what did he offer? You can't compare H to someone you haven't lived with let alone shared life experiences.

Your depression doesn't help clear thinking but 14 years need not be 15 if this is the end of your marriage but forget any possible 3rd party for now while you get things sorted. Maybe once you start making coherent plans your depressiin will lift.

You came through a horrendous time with DS2. That stress coupled with money worries would knock anyone's confidence. Your H is going to notice eventually if he hasn't already that you're away with the fairies. It can be a source of comfort having a fantasy but it's superficial consolation at best.

Please talk to him - the flesh and blood man you share so much with. If this is the end of the road start getting practical don't waste time sighing over Mr Far Away. Cut back on ciggies and alcohol - you owe it to your DCs to live as well and as long as you can whether or not you become resident parent. And the booze won't help you on your medication. Have you been entirely upfront with your GP about how much you put away?

Seek business advice about your company see if it makes financial advice to call a halt.

Deal with life now don't run away or brood on what might have been. You deserve more than that.

I know I'm just escaping by thinking about this other man. I can't help having feelings for him but I need to not let that be a factor with everything else that's going on.

Our business has never made sense financially, it is a labour of love in a sector that never generates much cash. I love it dearly but it doesn't pay. Maybe a reality check needed there but I think you have to dream too!

I haven't been entirely honest with GP but am going back on Friday and will address then. I feel terrible smoking and drinking so much when I have children. So irresponsible.

It's all a bit of a mess. Thank you though, it really helps to get another perspective.

It does sound as if things are very stressful and hard. OM has provided a bit of understandable mental escapism from your situation. As you have said, it doesn't mean it would be a good idea. It is very unkind of him to have put you in this position at the moment, knowing your situation.
I am wondering if it would be an idea to consider counselling just for you. Establish what you want, where you go from here. When you are depressed, its hard to see what is real, what is worth salvaging and what needs to be discarded.