I deserve more...don't I?

[doorstep]

Name change but regular.
Want to keep this sort.

I'm a mug..Yup I have finally said it. A mug. Amazed really that I didn't spot the tattoo across my forehead.

Dh says he's a good father, he plays with dd after work and gives her her last bottle at night. He's also brilliant at getting up during the night ALTHOUGH this only happens when she is ill as she sleeps so well.

I'm a sahm so with dd 24/7 and before comments are mad, I love this and don't regret it one bit. I also don't think the solution to the problem would be in working.I am in the early stages of pregnancy so not feeling a good as I usually do iykwim.

Problem: DH has decreased the amount of times he goes out with the lads a bit BUT he still is out with them on average 2x a month. I go out much less often through choice (don't feel my life lies at the end of a vodka glass)
Sad thing is when dh goes out he GOES OUT..There is no early nights or 2 pints then home..More like 20 pints + various shots etc etc then home 4am at the earliest. He claims that he gets carried away when he's out. Basically I know he can't stop when he starts.This is so so so very sad . He claims I have a good lifestyle, within reason what I want I get but I don't want material things..why should I be ok about him going out just for a new pair of shoes or a bag..? Bearing in mind I don't work so surely these items shouldn't be gifts for me..?? iykwim..

Whats happened today.................ah world cup fever. DD has been up all night being sick with a temp of 39 degrees. Dh promises me he won't go anywhere if she doesn't improve. What happens..? He decideds she is well enough at 11.30am when his mates collects him .
I have had no rest as dd has basically cried non stop since lunch.I text dh at 2pm to make him aware she may need medical help, no reply. I call at 4 and leave a message saying I'm contacting the gp. While on the phone he leaves several message telling me to not keep him out of the loop and to update him. I speak to him, tell him i'm off to the emergency gp to which he replies.."what do you want me to do"? Come home or stay out.?!! You can imagine my reply. I leave it up to him and he assures me he's in a taxi now.
I manage to contact him at 5.30pm and ask why's he's not home 1.5 hours later, his honest reply "because I'm pissed". He wants to know how dd is, she has a throat infection but imo if he is so concerned he would be home. He still doesn't know and has attempted to phone or text me. For all he knows we could be in a&e.

I am mad, mad because I am so stupid, mad to have his babies and take this lifestyle. I thought when I met him 11 years ago at 19 that he would grow up over the years. Sadly I didn't know how wrong I would be.
We have recne;ty fallen out with his parents over drunken (I was again sober) disgusting comments they made to me in our home. Dh fought my side but somehow I feel that this may all be my so perfect life crumbeling beneath me .

I have cried today, cried not for myself really but for my dd and unborn baby. They don't deserve this.? I can see and hear neighbours out enjoying the match and the sunshine and having bbq's and it makes me even sadder...I have a h who would much rather enjoy his mates company possibly surrounded by women etc than having a day with his family............................................................................................

I can't cope much longer, I feel so ashamed and so very sad. I want to leave but feel i'm being selfush on our dd .

meant to say he hasn't attempted to phone or text

He goes out 2 times a month? That's not much is it? Tbh my dh is like this, he would just assume that I was overexaggerating and not come home unless an actual ambulance was involved!

I think you are being hormonal and emotional which isn't surprising. He has been mean there is no doubt about that. But as for the other times, well I wouldn't read too much into that. Perhaps you should try getting out with your girlfriends too? Why not go out on the weekends that he is in? I know that's difficult when you are pregnant, but maybe you feel left out because he has a social life and you don't? I've been there, I've demanded that dh stay at home when I was pregnant, he didn't of course! Looking back now I see how silly I was!

Tell your dh that you are feeling really down and would appreciate a bit more understanding.

I'd be cross too, I would. But this doesn't sound like splitting up stuff to me, it sounds like needs to be negotiated stuff. Unless there's lots of other stuff going on that you're not telling us? You, presumably, agreed he could go today and actually, you could and did deal with it, two of you didn't need to go to the gps/a&e, it's unpleasant enough for one person. Twice a month isn't that much - is there something else here? Do you resent the money? Are you worried about the amount he drinks? Do you and he go out together ever?

rhubard,i wish it was all so simple. My parents see how things are between us, they never get involved but i know they are concerned.

I am not a big nightout type of person nd my friends work shifts etc so it's hard to get a date to go out. Also I don't feel dh & I should lead seperate social lives..thats not the route I want, ffs he doesn't even do things with us as a family when he's free. Would rather sit on his fat arse watching tv etc. 2 nights may not sound alot but when it involves the next day because he is so arseholed to do anything coz he's only had 3 hours sleep.

Personally I don't think it's hormonal. I felt like this long before I fell pregnant..sorry to say.

yeah i was fine about him going out but he knew i wasn't happy with a late home time iykwim. Surely 9 hours drinking is enough for anyone ? yes i am concerned about his drinking, he's another person once drunk. Someone who cares even less.
Yeah going to A&e is not nice BUT I shouldn't be expected to do it alone..?
The one night I did go out with the girls dd was again very ill. DH phoned and phoned me..guess what..i was home within 30 minutes..why ..coz i love my daughter and was so concerned.

So is the issue more that he doesn't want to do things with you and your child? Because THAT'S more of a problem imo.

yeah it probably is..forgot to answre your question..We do go out for a meal but we are home after and hour or 2. He never wants to go for walks, or to the park or for a day out somewhere. Our weekends are wasted. I suggest I will go out anyway but he sulks and tries to make me feel bad. He tries to control me which is what I am starting to hate as well.

How come he has some much bettre fun when out with mates that he wants to stay out from 12pm till 4am..??? We never did this even before dd.

I don't know, maybe my life is also lacking excitement, I feel like I am married to a largerlout. .

also when our dd is ill surely he has more responsabilities than his mates down the fecking pub. ??????

our home is also up for sale due to him wanting to move, believe me this is a cause for a breakup.

I think it's pretty unlikely that any of us would have stayed out on the lash whilst our child was potentially unwell, and I would be extremely upset if my dh had left me to cope with all that alone.

On the face of it, two nights out a month doesn't sound too bad, but he seems to be cramming the equivalent of about two a week into those two occasions - are these work nights? Or weekend nights? If the latter, is this why he never wants to go anywhere during the day?

Why doesn't he want you to go out to the park or whatever without him?

it's usually fri or sat night. I have no idea why he doesn't want to do anything with us..? Because he doesn't want to own up to his responsabilities, because he is lazy, because he is an excuse of a father..I don't know, I'm not him.

DD is still crying and has been since 6.00pm,is this a good thing to put a pregnant woman through..? Surely if he was man enough he would know I needed help..?? Whats happens when baby2 arrives..? He goes out and I am left with 2...?

He is due out again next fri, oh he's taken the day off to spend with us...he has an exam till lunch then wants to shop till 5 when he plans for me to leave him with his mates for their night out..Oh yeah I get the deal of taking dd home to bath,feed and put to bed. Another night alone.

He also forgets than I have given him 2 weeks of space to revise for an exam. Not disturbed him between 7pm till I go to bed. Least he could do was spend time with us at weekends. Sorry I am ranting. I am annoyed and upset.

He sounds like a spoilt brat.

He is 30 how old are you ?

I'm 27.

Okay doorstep, I actually asked why he didn't want you to go out without him, not why he didn't want to do anything at weekends with you. You're clearly very frazzled by poor dd and I don't blame you, I would be an absolute wreck in your shoes.

I assume he's a similar age to you, there is a phenomenon where blokes go a bit mad at thirty, I wonder if that's part of the problem? He feels he's getting older and so wants to cling on to his 'youth' (i.e. getting hammered, no responsibilities) for as long as he can. I'm not offering that as an excuse, btw, I would feel the same as you if my dh behaved like that.

Yeah I think he is trying to hang onto his youth etc. His mates are the same ones from 30 years ago..I on the otherhand have ones from school and alot from more recently..

Sorry read your question wrong. I go to the park et while he is work and he is fine but moans..humph Im sat in an office while you are out in the sunshine blah de dah. But when homw can't even be arsed going for an evening walk or a weekend walk etc.I don't think he minds me if I go off but tries to make me feel gulity coz dd come with etc. Feels that he see's little of her as it is..! Joke or what..??!!

Tried to call him, he said his phone would be switched on (lied before and said it went to answering service as it's powered down)..it's just rang and rang. So much concern hey..?

Goodness me, I really thought you were going to be older than him and BISIDI (Been it, seen it, done it)

Think you need a serious chat.......

Sounds like you should take him at his word and leave dd with him sometimes at weekends, whilst you go off and do other things, haircut, bit of shopping, whatever!

I guess if he's in a noisy pub he can't hear the phone ring. Would be frothing at the mouth if I were you.

Hanging on to his youth is all very well, but he's married, and a father of one with one on the way. That ship has sailed, and he wasn't on it. Time to grow up, I think.

I'm sure you know all this - I think you might need to give him the short, sharp shock of threatening to leave, although you may also need to be prepared for the consequences if he says "okay then."

All the best to you, and hope your dd is feeling better soon. (And congrats on number 2!)

Doorstep you are typing my life outI am 27 DH is 31 got DD who is 21months and ill with really bad cold also expecting no 2 (9Wks) my DH is the same he gets out with his mates promises not to be to late and then rolls in 4am or not at all (will sleep on someones sfa and forget to text) and then spend the next day saying he hasnt got a hangover when he has and tries every excuse to go back to sleep whilst I Look after DD. I also see my friends maybe once amonth mainly because DH works weird hours and can never guarantee what time he is going to be home and then he'll text saying can I pick him a takeaway up ir DD is crying FFS I have to deal wit her all week. Can guarantee tomorrow he'll lay aroun till lunch time and then want to go and see his parents which is all an excuse for another drink as they always have beer/wine n fridge and football will be on. My parents notice what happens and my mum makes comments but what can you do I am totally in sypathy with you and am sitting in my home just wondering exactly what he is up to!!

ps my dh phone is als just ringing until gets to answerphone and he said I'll put it on loud ring aaarg this could be the same man!!!

ls,yup Im younger and sadly he was my 1st proper boyf. BUT I am no fool and have told him this many times.
Part of the argument with his parents btw was my mil teling me to not keep pressuring him as he would leave me..!!! WTF, I laughed. I am so ready for a "chat". I have text him and told him NOT to make his way home tonight. It's warm enough he can sleep in the bushes for all I care. Either that or under the wheels of the nearest car.

TBH, I think I am prepared for a split. Anything must be bettre than a life of waiting around for him.

BTW I do leave dd with him while I shop or have my hair/nails done. Just like he leaves dd with me while he goes to the match. Thing is i'm never 16 hours. Oh just remembered, I was due to have my nails done today so was taking dd as dh would be off to the match. He asked me to rearranged (which I stupidly did) so he could spend time with dd..!! LOL..he left at 11.30am..! Same time I would have left anyway.

elliepippamummy,does sound familiar..esp wanting to go to parents for footie..!!

I don't get the "mobile bit"..ffs while I am out I know when I have been called..usually because I feel it vibrate!! I always check when I go to the toilet..that said I don't believe dh when he says he didn't know I tried to call him.

20 pints + shots is a lot of alcohol. What is he like the next day? Does he drink much otherwise? Or can he only drink if it's a big binge? This would be a big problem for me, even without him failing to leave the pub, after the match, to come take care of his ill daughter.

Same as met him when I was 16 and been together ever since we did spilt once about 6 months before our wedding (apparently it had go out of hand size wise considering half the guests were his family and we had load of friends coming to the day at his request) ayway 3 days later he begged to come back and said he just needed to get away to reaise he wanted to be with me and get married (only took us 7 years of going out to get married)he has got better about goin out with mates it used to be every 3 weeks ow about once a month it is just the excessiv time and drink and money onvolved just tried to ring no reply so that makes him 20 ins late already probably stick another8 hours on and he'll be home

NQC, thats his usual amount while out with the lads..a big worry for me.
He does drink during the week, before I fell pregnant we'd prob have a bottle of wine a night although my limit was only a glass usually!! I only drink as social for him. If I don't drink he still drinks at night usually. Either wine or a few cans.

I agree about the drinking epm,it's a constant worry about the cost etc and also the state he gets into. dd could push him over once drunk.
We were the same, split for around 3 months but didn't marry till after 8 years.

doorstep, it's unlikely he will stop drinking this much until he's ready to stop. He's miles and miles over the recommended max for men, I'm sure.

Ugh, and your daughter sees him really drunk? I used to see my dad drunk (although he was more of a slow-and-steady drinker, so nearly always drunk), and that's not a good memory.

Men someime I wish I could have a DH that hates football abd drinking but suppose that wouldnt be him! Signing off now to watch some naff TV and send him a text asking whether he is coming home at some point. Hope your DD better soon mine ha finally fallen asleep and got the fan going in her room to keep her cool hope all goes okay
xx

PS DH seems to lose directions to our loo after drinking and normally ends up asleep on sofa as cant gt stairgate open!