Forgiving myself and moving on

[kumamon]

I've been a lurker up to now, but am jumping in with both feet by starting a thread.

I have been in a relationship with a fantastic man for about 10 months. The other night I got drunk and snogged a (female) friend, and my boyfriend saw us.

It's hard to understand why I did it. It was nt the first time I've kissed her, though the first since I've been with him. I'm used to thinking of it as just something that happens sometimes - but of course it isn't, and I can't believe how I didnt think that it was bad at the time.

The upshot is he was hurt and angry of course, and I was so upset seeing what I had done to someone I love very, very much.

He has been great - the next morning he was basically saying that mistakes happen, its a new day and we'd just move on. But I sense that it will still be on his mind.

I feel so guilty, and so angry with myself. He is amazing, and if I messed it up I would be devastated. Now I'm worried that this will have put doubts in his mind and that it will hang over us. How do I forgive myself and put it behind me?

Have you and this female friend been friends with benefits in the past?

I think you need to reassure him that you won't be randomly snogging friends and strangers while you are drunk. Its a matter of trust. While he's trying to put this behind him, it will always play on his mind that you are not fully trustworthy. Show and tell him that he can trust you. It might take a bit of time.

I think you need to work out why you are trying to sabotage your relationship with him. The fact is that until you know, you aren't trustworthy, you shouldn't 'forgive yourself' and it could well happen again.

I'm not saying BTW that you are an evil harridan but that forgiving yourself implies you have done some soul searching and work on yourself. You haven't yet.

How old are you? I see a lot of younger women doing this for attention as they think their boyfriends will like it. Was it like that?
obviously it can back-fire. You need to be honest with yourself and him and apologize until you are blue in the face.

Are you maybe gay? Is that something that might interest you?

Thanks all. I'm mid thirties - it's definitely not a attention thing or thinking he'd like it. While I am not gay I suppose I might be a little Bi - I don't know.

You are all right about the soul searching and I have been doing that non- stop (hence this post). I have questioned why it happened (yes we have done it plenty of times in the past) but why I did it when I would NEVER have snogged a guy . Like it didn't seem cheating as I knew for sure that there weren't deeper feelings involved on either side. I'm not trying to make excuses, as I know it is inexcusable - just trying to explain.

What I didn't explain properly before is, it is not that I want to forgive myself, so much as I don't want the endless soul searching and guilt to now wreck this even further and not enable either of us to forget it.

I'm liable to apologise until I am blue in the face forever, and believe me I have been doing that. But he has said 'lets move on' and I feel like I need to find a way to do that.

Well, if he is prepared to forget about it then you just need to get on with it. You can't 'unfeel' what you feel, it is guilt. That is what makes you human, maybe you need to accept that. You will eventually though think about it less, as he will. Be grateful you got away with it and avoid putting yourself in a position where it could happen again.
you might need to have a little word with yourself though about why you are doing it?

Would a chat with the snogee about how you're not going to be snogging her anymore help you draw a line under this?

Exactly Buzzard - I don't want to escape the guilt or unfeel it. I am so angry with myself, but I don't want my guilt to then destroy things as he seems very prepared to forget it. But I am so grateful to have what I have still and it has been MASSIVE wake up call. It won't happen again, and yep the snogee knows that too!

was alcohol a factor? if so maybe you can have your DP (and your wider social group) see you alternate soft and alcoholic drinks when out

Alcohol was a massive factor. Absolutely. It was at a festival and we were all drinking a lot all day, plus I had moved on to gin, which I don't usually drink.

OP

Try writing it down on paper and actually writing this is the last time I talk about this or words to that effect. You could also draw a line under it on the papaer. Almost like signing a contract with yourself to leave these actions in the past and move on without them. Sounds daft but it works for some people.

Also try the suggestion of alternating soft drinks and tell friends that you don't want gin. I know it's popular etc, but if a different drink tips you over the edge in terms of behavior then avoid it.

Did the snogee respond well when you talked?

Good advice AdoraBell - I'm going to try it. The snogee is fine - put it this way, she's fairly free with the snogs and I don't think she'll mind one way or the other!