have namechanged for this but been on mn for quite a while. I am in my mid 40s and been with the same guy since uni. We have 4kids, one is autistic, and dh works away probably 4 or 5 nights a month. I work part time. Dh has always been a bit needy, I daresay he in part liked my nurturing side. He has no model for a long term rel as his parents split due to his dad's affair when he was about 6. Both parents have had subsequent unsuccessful ltrs as well, but both now settled with partners. My parents married for ever but lead pretty separate lives.
Last night out of the blue dh accused me if having an affair. The guy in question is an old work colleague. Years ago this guy made it clear he fancied me, I told dh I found him a bit creepy and inappropriate and distanced myself. Said guy then met someone and has been happily married for about 9 years with two kids. We don't work together any more but this guy invites us over and we have been over a handful of times as our kids are similar ages. The last time I saw him was when I bumped into him in a shop about 18 months ago, but he sent a facebook message asking if we all could get together for a barbeque over Summer. For some strange reason dh saw the message alert, got suspicious, went into my fb account and read all my messages with him (about 7 since 2007!). The first reads 'Would you guys like to come for supper. Don't worry I won't tell (dh) about your dalliance with a guitarist, ha!'. I haven't refered to this in my brief response and it is this that dh is basing his accusation on. I can barely recall except that it was a joke, I am pretty cettain that I had referred to 'shagging the guitarist' on fb after a friend's 40th, at the time dh was guitarist in a little hobby band that played friends' parties.
I don't know whether to be bloody angry that dh snooped, frightened that my dh appears to have no trust in me and might end my marriage for something I haven't bloody done, or worried about his mental health. I was so flabberghasted last night that I obviously didn't come across as upset enough....I was completely taken aback, and didn't cry at all...how can I prove a negative? I have never been unfaithful btw, not a snog or a kiss or even an emotional affair. When this guy was flirtatious, I stepped back. I have nothing to justify, except that our relationship is 25 years old, I feel old and oerimenopausal, and don't want to shag 3x weekly. We do still have sex weekly and I will often do oral sex between times. I feel like telling him to grow up, but what role models has he had? What should I do?