Don't know what to do for the best :(

[FriendlyElephant]

Have namechanged for this but I'm a regular lurker, if not such a regular poster.

Basically, I don't know whether to end my relationship with my DP. I see lots of threads on MN about people in sexless relationships, and the advice is generally to leave the person or to let them go, depending on who is deemed to be responsible.

Since the birth of our DD, sex has been a rare occurrence, as I'm sure is normal, however I'm not sure I can continue trying. We used to have a great sex life but now whenever we do it I feel pain and not a lot else, and I dread it. DP doesn't nag me for sex but he does try to initiate and I either avoid it or give in and then have to stop halfway through, which I know frustrates him.

I suffered a second degree tear with DD, which still bothers me, and I suspect some nerve damage, because certain areas down there are now numb. I also suffered a cystocele, a rectocele, and a slight cervical prolapse, which I have seen two different doctors about and both just basically shrugged and told me to do pelvic floor exercises. I also have horrendous piles and just a general fanjo like a wizard's sleeve.

All this, coupled with how absolutely disgusting I now look, makes me pretty certain that I'll never enjoy sex again, and I can't bring myself to do it just for him. I've seen it compared to doing a favour for a friend, or cleaning the kitchen floor when you don't really want to, but I really can't see it in those terms - being naked and vulnerable and in pain is not something I can just "man up" and do, even for DP who I love.

And I know he loves me. If I suggested us breaking up I know he'd be heartbroken. He's great, he goes to work, does his share of the housework, helps with DD, but I know he wants a normal sex life and I can't give him that, and I don't want to deprive him for the rest of his life, or drive him to cheat and make the inevitable break-up more ugly than it has to be. I also don't want DD growing up thinking all relationships are like this.

I just feel like I'm being selfish and cruel. I still have a good sex drive and all the same urges, and I do sometimes catch myself flirting with DP. Then I feel terrible, because I can't follow through.

Apart from not knowing whether to end it now, I also don't know how I'd go about it - we live in a council house which is in my name only, so it would be him that had to physically leave, despite me being the one "in the wrong." I also wouldn't want to keep him from seeing DD, however I'm still breastfeeding and have no plans to stop, but I think him coming round to see her would be too painful and difficult for both of us.

And then I have to face the rest of my life alone, because even if I can find someone to see past the way I look, nobody's going to sign up for a life without sex :(

Sorry this was so long. I don't really know what I want from it, just to get it all out I suppose. Well done if you've managed to get to the end!

You'd only be selfish and cruel if you knew there was a problem and weren't trying to fix it or if you were maliciously withholding affection or if you didn't care how he felt. None of those are true.

First thing to say is that there is more to sex than PIV... more ways of showing affection and being intimate. That might be worth exploring so that everyone in the relationship still feels loved and wanted. Second, you need to talk to him and then (much better) doctors about curing the pain and other medical problems. Involve him in the solution. Feeling that you look 'disgusting' is probably tied into the lack of physical intimacy as well. I know two doctors have shrugged but there are others and you should push for third, fourth and fifth opinions as a couple, demanding referrals to specialists in the process.

Good luck

How old is your DD?

You poor thing. You have really been let down by those shitty doctors. There is help out there but it can be hard to find. Please keep trying.

Bear in mind too that even with the easiest injury-free birth it takes most women quite a while to get back in the swing of sex. My dd is 5 months, i had no tears at all, but dh and i have only had sex three times since she was born. Dh would like more but totally understands. After my ds was born it took about a year to get back to normal sexwise. That's especially true if you're bfing as it makes you drier so sex is less comfortable.

Does your dp know how bad you feel?

You poor thing. You have really been let down by those shitty doctors. There is help out there but it can be hard to find. Please keep trying.

Bear in mind too that even with the easiest injury-free birth it takes most women quite a while to get back in the swing of sex. My dd is 5 months, i had no tears at all, but dh and i have only had sex three times since she was born. Dh would like more but totally understands. After my ds was born it took about a year to get back to normal sexwise. That's especially true if you're bfing as it makes you drier so sex is less comfortable.

Does your dp know how bad you feel?

You poor thing. You have really been let down by those shitty doctors. There is help out there but it can be hard to find. Please keep trying.

Bear in mind too that even with the easiest injury-free birth it takes most women quite a while to get back in the swing of sex. My dd is 5 months, i had no tears at all, but dh and i have only had sex three times since she was born. Dh would like more but totally understands. After my ds was born it took about a year to get back to normal sexwise. That's especially true if you're bfing as it makes you drier so sex is less comfortable.

Does your dp know how bad you feel?

Sorry for multiple postings!

Oh love, you sound so sad! And it sounds like you love each other. You still want to flirt with him! Talk to him. Let him know this is a massive issue that you WANT to get past. And EXPECT him to support you, he's your husband! He can help a lot by not pressuring you and reassuring you that he loves you. But what you really need here is some medical help too. Third opinion, fourth opinion... At the very least, if your GP says pelvic floor exercises, then ask for a physio referral to help make sure you're doing them properly.

Tell your husband that you love him and you're scared. Tell him that you want to keep the intimacy whilst you sort this out with LOTS of kissing! You don't HAVE to do anything sexual unless you want to, but there are alternatives whilst you get medical help. Oral sex on him, if you like that. Or masturbating him, or talking dirty to him whilst he does it. Remember being a teenager and the dates before you had sex, and how amazing that could be?!

Oh and the tension you'll be feeling... I didn't have sex for 4+ years after my daughter was born. Whole other story. First time was with a new partner. Me - v turned on and willing, but so scared that we had to stop! I had a 2nd degree tear but no other issues, and the point if the tear hurt like mad when we tried, and frankly - I was so tense there was no way he could get in! I felt so stupid! A few more goes, feeling comfortable with him, and it doesn't hurt at all.

You definitely need to get checked over physically, properly - but don't underestimate how much pain is coming from tension too.

I'd show your DP your post (or most of it) as you've really explained well how are you feeling and what your issues are. It's great advice from cognito for the two of you to get actively involved in sorting things out.

Another vote for pushing your doctor for more help. You might also find this site useful, though it seems to be more aimed at younger women who don't have DC.
Unfortunately there are still a lot of doctors who think that sex just isn't very important and female sexual pleasure doesn't matter, which is why you are getting fobbed off like this. But it sounds as though you and your DP have a good relationship otherwise and that you can sort this out with good communication and some proper professional help. Also, if you are still BFing, is your baby still quite young? Most women are unenthusiastic about sex for quite a while after giving birth, your body has a fair bit of recovering to do even if there wasn't much damage to your undercarriage.

Seconding what Cogito said.

Talk to your DP about how you're feeling and ask him up come to the GP appointment. Insist on seeing a gyno or physio as you've been doing pelvic floors and your pain and discomfort is still the same.

I had an episiotomy, which then got infected, when DS was born a few months ago and I was only discharged from the midwives a few weeks ago when they were happy with the healing. One thing that stuck with me was this advice from the senior midwife:

"Don't suffer in silence. Your sexual health and enjoyment is just as important as continence."

Good luck! Your DP sounds lovely too.

Thank you for replying.

DD is five months. Still early days I know, but things seem to be getting worse, not better. All I've read about prolapse has said that they tend to worsen over time, but both doctors I saw seemed unconcerned, said it was very common and just recommended PFEs. I did ask the second dr about further treatments but he said they wouldn't consider me for surgery because I'm young and would like more children. I know I need to go back but I know I'll end up crying and making a fool of myself and it just feels hopeless. I will try though.

I haven't spoken much to DP about it, which I know isn't good. He knows roughly what's going on, as he had to go and pick up my prescriptions for piles cream when I couldn't walk for them and watch DD while I sat on the loo for hours trying to poo, and I broke down in tears and told him about my prolapses one night when my mum had DD overnight and we tried to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He says he didn't notice and that he can't really tell a difference from before DD was born but I'm not sure how that's possible!

I do think tension might have something to do with it, and that it could be partly psychological. I do expect it to hurt now, and so I probably am very tense. I also feel disfigured and very unattractive, which doesn't help matters. Not just that, but I'm so scared of the condom breaking.

The condoms themselves don't help, because they make DP take forever, and they seem to irritate me and give me thrush. But I don't want to take the pill because it makes me miserable (well, even more miserable) and gives me migraines.

Garrgh I just feel so crap and abnormal. All I see are other mothers who have none of these problems, having lives and getting married and having more children. I'm tempted to just go for the surgery because even if I somehow managed to conceive another baby, I think I'd just about turn inside out if I gave birth again!

Everything you're feeling is totally normal. Honestly. Don't be fooled into thinking everyone else sails through and is ready for the sex olympics after a week. Having a baby totally changes your body. It's very hard to get used to. But in time and with the right help you will be comfortable again.

Is there any chance you could have pnd?

Please don't give up on your marriage. You sound so sad about this and as you say, you don't have other problems within your marriage.

You need to talk to your husband and you both need to go to the doctor. I know it's embarrassing for you but doctors see far worse than this every day. If the doctor is male, he'd be getting treatment for his wife if she was in that situation, so don't think you are 'bothering' him.

You can have surgery for haemmoroids; would you be prepared to go down that route? That would be one problem that you could lose and you'd feel much better as a result.

Insist your doctor refers you on. Ask your husband to step in and speak up for you if you're getting upset.

It does take time for your body to get back to normal. Please don't make a life changing decision based on how you feel today.

Hello FE. Poor you, it sounds horrible, and definitely not ordinary post-baby stuff.

Please talk fully to your DP! Yes, 5 months is perhaps early days after a baby, but it sounds as though you are in a lot of pain and discomfort, but you say you haven't spoken to your DP much about it. If you talk to him, he will hopefully understand and be able to support you going back to the GP and pushing for further investigation.

When you go back to your GP, I think you need to be perhaps more open about the psychological pain this is causing you, as well as the physical.

There are also people out there who do therapy for this kind of problem, I believe.

Please please talk to DP, and go back to a doctor (a better one).

Good luck.

It doesn't matter if you cry when you talk to the GP! They need to know how you're feeling, as well as how your froufrou looks!! Please go back.

As for those perfect other mothers. Bugger that! Never judge from the outside. You know I said up thread about being tense because I was scared as I hadn't had sex after baby for over 4 years? I was one of those perfect mothers that everyone envied. Least ways, til they found out I didn't get to road test my post labour fandango because my (now ex) H was sleeping with other women.

Forget everyone else! Birth injuries are not uncommon. Sounds like you've been through a lot, you poor thing. x

Echoing about the PND - you are kind of making negative leaps (we might need to split up now) from what is problematic but not terminal. You really really need to talk to your DP and your GP. You sound so nice and so does your DP.

If it makes you feel better, I had an episiotomy and it wasn't until a good 9 months until things felt back to normal down there. Try not to be so hard on yourself - your body made another human, and it took 9 months to make it. Don't rush into leaving your partner if things are otherwise fine. I'm sure he thinks you are as beautiful, if not more so.

So sorry for what you have been through. Please try not to be defeatist and accept this as your lot. No way should you be in pain, I had a 3rd degree tear, I empathise with the fear you have about how your future sex life could change, I gave it a few months before gingerly attempting any PIV. I have found that things work better than ever since however, so there may be a physical problem that can be fixable. Explore all options to solve the issues as you know, these problems won't go away by leaving your DH. Meanwhile, intimacy can continue in many other ways other than PIV as has been said already.

You seem to have so much good stuff in your relationship that to consider ending it because you have been let down by doctors would be a total travesty. And I am convinced you have been let down by your GP. Please try to seek medical help more aggressively. My sis in law had corrective surgery down there many years after her DS2's birth and it has revolutionised how she feels about pretty much everything. You may still be healing though - it took me 18 months after a fairly average birth experience. IN any case, get a sympathetic doctor and get referred to a specialist. Good luck.

Please don't feel guilty about this, or give up on your marriage. Talk to your husband and tell him you love him, but that your body feels strange to you and sex is difficult.

For what its worth, I didn't feel remotely like having sex until my periods returned. I was still Breastfeeding at that point, but my sex drive is absolutely linked to ovulation (I notice this even when not breastfeeding). Once my periods returned, I noticed such a difference in how I felt about sex, and combined with the physical improvements time had brought to my body and the psychological adjustments to my new shape, things improved between DH and I.

Further to this, I stopped Breastfeeding recently. This cycle, my sex drive has gone into overdrive, so my hormones are obviously changing again.

Please give yourself time. Talk to your husband, show affection in other ways and ask him to be patient. Nothing you have said here seems out of the ordinary or a reason to end your marriage :(

Your OP was so sad! I know your medical problems can be sorted out - get a referral from your GP to a good gynaecologist - absolutely insist upon it. Then get some good psycho sexual counselling to help you with your self esteem & body image. I'm sure you are not disgusting. You are still the beautiful woman your husband married. He won't care if your body has changed - you have given him a baby! Please don't give up on a good marriage because you think your husband deserves "better". You are what he wants! You are the best woman! Your sex drive is still there which is great so there is something to build on.

Hope you're feeling a bit better after reading the thread OP.

Please do speak with your DP - he will understand and help you through this.

It's so hard after giving birth. You're poked and prodded and stitched up in hospital and your body doesn't feel like your own. Then your baby breast feeds and still your body doesn't feel like your own. And somehow you're putting pressure on yourself to have a 'normal' sex life. It just doesn't work like that - try to be kinder to yourself.

Try to have lots of cuddles, kisses and other intimacy with your DP without feeling the pressure to have penetrative sex. Once you feel more comfortable it may become easier.

Do go and insist on a referral at the doctors though. It sounds as though you need more than PFEs.

Un mumsnetty hug!