need help, i'm an awful person

[alohahaha]

i'm more of a lurker on these boards, but I have posted in the past, and am a name-changer. I will try to keep it factual.

right now i'm in a bedroom in my mil's house. kids are at nursery and husband is at work. we are here on an extended visit. we are outside europe. I do not share a language with my in-laws.

this morning when we were getting ready to leave my mil told my 4 yo son off for not drinking his milk and eating his breakfast biscuits. I got really angry about this because we were on our way out and I don't think it's a big deal because he didn't want them, and what did she want me to do about it? sit down and force it down his throat? i'd just managed to get myself showered and dressed after an hour of child showering dressing bag packing, lunch making, etc. I am a bit sensitive because I am having issues with my sister-in-law and have had issues with the whole family in the past.

I was really harsh and aggressive with my mil, and now my husband is very offended and hurt and angry with me. he is insisting I apologise to her. he is usually really supportive and patient and kind but he says I've crossed a line and he's furious.

I feel awful and terrible. we went out to the car and then I shouted at my 2 yo for crying, and then I got out of the car and went back inside. my kids were crying in the car because they didn't know what was happening. I feel horrendous about that.

I try really hard but I have this awful defective personality. I know I should get counseling but right now I just need someone to help me get through the next 11 days that we are here. yesterday my sil yelled at me and threw things at me and she is now ignoring me and I think that made me react the way I did - I know it's no excuse but there you have it. i'm crying and I haven't cried in years. I know I sound unhinged but if there is anyone who can help I would appreciate it.

I don't think you sound unhinged or in possession of a defective personality. You sound very uncomfortable & unhappy around your ILs and this is resulting in a stress reaction... i.e. losing your temper quickly, crying, taking things very personally. There is no excuse for anyone throwing things at you and it's bound to leave you on edge.

Do make amends with your MIL. You overreacted there and she deserves an apology... with the caveat that you will decide when he's had enough to eat in future. Be assertive with SIL rather than crying and losing your temper. 'No' is a complete sentence.

I can't quite work out if these people are at your house (your DH is at work?) or if you are visiting them (you are in a bedroom at your MIL's house?). Either way, try and find some ways to relax and be calm with your DCs and DH separate from the rest of the family. Plan how you can avoid being in each others' faces (I love my best friend but wouldn't want her in my home for a whole fortnight...)

OP, you're not an awful person at all. You sound very stressed and reacted badly this morning.
How is your relationship with mil in general? Does she know what happened with sil?

I'm living away from home and we stayed with my mil for a few months when we moved here. It's very hard thinking someone is judging everything you do with your kids. Your sil sounds like the awful person, what is your dh doing about that situation?

Apologise to your mil, it will make you feel better.

Go easy on yourself xx

i went and apologized to mil. she's a lovely woman and very kind and understanding. she knows sil's version of yesterday's events, which I doubt includes the throwing.

we're on an extended summer break. husband spends longer here than I do, and works on short-term contracts. we have our own place but it's rented out atm. returning to my home country soon (11 days).

dh won't get involved with sil situation which I respect. I think I have to accept she probably flew off the handle when she threw stuff, am still avoiding contact for a while though. a bit awkward when we are in the same house.

mil says that she loves me like a daughter, but was also quick to say that if she wasn't as nice, it would be commonplace in her culture to order her son to divorce me and find him a new wife. sounds bad but it was actually quite amusingly put. she really is good-hearted.

we do try to keep separate (it's a biggish house, we have our own bathroom and living space), but sil has just arrived and if i'm honest maybe there's a bit of a power struggle going on. she's been out of the country for a long time. my kids are PFB and PSB :D

more worried now about situation with hubby, but I suppose I will just have to ride it out. sigh. thanks for your replies :)

sorry, am very hard on myself and have extremely low self esteem. EA parent.

Your DH has to get involved with SIL if her behaviour continues to be unpleasant/aggressive. As a married couple, as a family, you are a team and you look out for each other's backs when someone is attacking a member of that team .... that's the deal. I'm afraid I don't see the 'joke' in your MIL's remarks about divorcing but glad that you're at least talking to each other. If she's OK about it, DH should be.

I agree -your DH needs to stand up for you if someone is throwing things at you. Does he think it's just women in the family being a bit hysterical? and as a man he needn't get involved? He needs to involve himself and either tell you quietly as your best friend if he thinks you were out of order or stick up for you if she was nasty to you. As for snapping at the kids and making them cry, perfectly normal reaction in the circumstances. We feel bad when we do it but we are not superhuman, are we? I admire your trying to make it work, I would be planning an early flight home with kids by now (not a great idea but I would!)