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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP, his kids, money, his attitude, just don't know if this is going to work out :-(

50 replies

Gloriapiano · 29/07/2013 09:05

This weekend was awful. I was at work Saturday 7am - 8pm. I developed a headache mid day which began to develop into a migraine by late afternoon. I soldiered on but by 7pm it was unbearable. I felt sick, hot, head was pounding - I felt so ill that a colleague didn't want me to drive home. I did - only just made it, ran into the front door, to the bathroom and was promptly sick. I felt like death. DP came in to see if I was ok - showed a little concern but was more bothered about the fact that he'd wasted a load of food as he'd prepared a bbq for me and his kids (access night), his eldest had ditched him in favour of his girlfriend (again, 3 weeks in a row now but at 18 I'd say was to be expected!!) and I was obviously as sick as a dog. So he only had himself and his youngest son to feed. I apologised (not sure what for!) and said I'd try and eat something later. He then started moaning that he'd been on his own all day and had felt lonely and depressed Hmm wow - he shows no concern at the numerous times I'm on my own when he agrees to do overtime or bugger off for a weekend etc but because he was left on his own (he's 41 btw, not 4) for a whole day Hmm I was expected to feel sorry for him.

After an hour of laying in bed I managed to drag myself downstairs (only because I heard DSS2 asking if I was ok and when would I be coming down, didn't want him to think I didn't want to see him). We decided to put on a movie and watch it, just the three of us. Very nice - apart from DP kept buggering off to sit at his pc in the other room leaving it just me and dss. How can he have a go at me about leaving him on his own when he chooses to go and sit by himself when I'm there!!!

So that was saturday night. Sunday morning dp goes and sits on his pc as soon as he gets out of bed. DSS2 is upstairs alone. Last week DP had a go at me about leaving his son (who has learning difficulties) alone in his bedroom and made out that I was making him feel isolated and unwelcome. I busy myself with exam revision in the dining room, DP eventually drags DSS downstairs and then comes to me and says "will you watch scary movie with ds?" I reply "err I'm a little busy actually - why don't you watch it with him?" (dss was stood there, I felt awful but I have 6 weeks to revise and I'm working full time) - dp replied "right. come on ds, lets see what we can find for you to watch." wicked stepmother mark 1. DP was doing nothing other than pratting around on his pc. It's HIS access weekend, not mine.

At lunch time I said to DP "why don't you take DSS to cinema?" (we live 5 minutes from the cinema). He replied "errr ummm dunno if we can afford it" (this is a dig at me asking if we can be careful with money as to avoid slipping into the overdraft every month.) I say "course we can, you were going to anyway I thought?" and he replied "umm maybe next week." - the real reason for this is that he massively favours his eldest child and can't bear the thought of taking DSS2 out without DSS1 so because DSS1 doesn't want to visit, DSS2 basically gets a full weekend of watching tv and doing fuck all else.

I leave them to it.

At 2pm his eldest son texts and says "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house asap please" - so dp is good enough to use as a taxi service but not to spend the weekend with? naturally DP jumps to attention and runs off to drive an hour away to pick up DSS1 - to the detriment of DSS2 who had been looking forward to my youngest coming home in the afternoon to play xbox with him. (and notice how we can afford the extra petrol here but we can't afford to take dss2 to the cinema?)

I subtly suggest that I felt sorry for DSS2 this weekend having a shit weekend due to his eldest brother not been here and so everyones plans going tits up as usual (I worded it more diplomatically) - I got my head bit off.

So - later last night my headache begins to return. An obvious migraine pain so I lay on the sofa, take a couple of neurofen and try and chill out so it doesn't get any worse. DP then shouts from the dining room "can you just hoover the fireplace for me please?" (he'd spent all evening ripping it out). I said "give me a few minutes, I have a headache." I hear him sigh and say "right" and a few minutes later he comes in saying "I'll hoover up then since you can't be arsed. I say "do you realise how bad this headache is?" and he snaps "no its ok, you just lay there as usual and I'll do everything, I'll catch the moths (a dig at my son who is terrified of moths) and I'll empty the bin and I'll hoover the fireplace and I'll sort out the internet and I'll make the drinks ..... " he then does a little dance around the living room which is supposed to represent him running around after me. He'd been promising all night that we'd sit and watch a movie with my DS (who had been looking forward to it for hours) and he just seemed to be stalling it for as long as possible to make a point. His final words on it were "well I can't watch that until I've finished sorting the house out, had a shower, had a shave etc so it will get put on when it gets put on." 9pm we were still waiting to watch it.

10.45pm I'm feeling really shit so say I'm off to bed. He rolls his eyes and says "well, thats far too early for me so I'll see you later." Gone midnight he came to bed - today he will whinge that he'd tired and that will probably be my fault too. I'm feeling so fed up. We never used to be like this. If he hates me so much, why can't he just be honest and tell me?

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 29/07/2013 10:16

Mixxy the 0P Has been posting about this guy for months and months now. So many problems in their relationship I can't even remember, but always, always name changes when upon it.
Honestly about 100 threads now nearly all under different names and all abandoned when someone notice. She has been reported loads of times as a time waster.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/07/2013 10:16

Everything is allowed :) But if you just want to rant but are generally quite happy in the relationship then it helps to state it clearly up front. If you simply pose the problem then you'll get all kinds of unwanted solutions...

Mixxy · 29/07/2013 10:17

Yeah, I'm not getting why you are being attacked either OP.

Don't worry. Cooler, more rational heads will be along shortly.

So about his counselling...

Mixxy · 29/07/2013 10:18

Couldn't care less if she's posted a 100 times. Maybe she needs a rant and has little RL support.

Gloriapiano · 29/07/2013 10:19

I have suggested he get councelling but he won't entertain it. I sometimes wonder if he'd be that bothered if I left him. I honestly don't think he would. I suppose I need advice on detaching. I do intend to leave, I just can't do it yet.

OP posts:
Gloriapiano · 29/07/2013 10:19

Thanks Mixxy x

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/07/2013 10:22

But you can book a holiday for you and your kid/s though. You've posted about the holiday thing before.

If you intend to leave, just not yet. Why can't you just do your life the way you want?

Mixxy · 29/07/2013 10:23

Have you posed it as "get counselling or I leave"? Are you not doing that because you fear he will say, "okay, leave"?

I know you said you are financially entwined. Any chance you could squirrel away a little a month while working up the courage to form a plan?

Gloriapiano · 29/07/2013 10:40

Gamerchick, I probably will end up booking a holiday for me and my kids. I've already looked into it.

Mixxy, that's right. I fear if I push it, he'll just say "ok, leave". I have more to lose than he does. He is the higher (much higher) earner, he can afford to house without me (I couldn't afford it alone) and he has the financial power to more or less do what he wants. Won't be for much longer though. I have just got a job (which he wasn't happy with, in hindsight it's probably because he knows it lessens my reliance on him). I also qualify next year so I'll be completely financially independent.

OP posts:
TwoStepsBeyond · 29/07/2013 11:11

The massage thing sounds like my ex - He would ask me to rub his shoulders, but when I had a badly sprained ankle and asked him to get me a bowl of warm water to soak it in, he huffed and puffed and made me wait ages, so in the end I did it myself and then he huffed and puffed because I spilled some water on myself hobbling back with it.

Some men/people are just selfish and it sounds like whatever he is doing on his PC is more important to him than his DCs/you/your DCs.

Being financially reliant on him is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. There is more to life than money - I know it helps, but really, I know from experience, it is not enough to balance out a crappy relationship.

The step-parenting/divorce guilt thing is something a lot of us are struggling with, but it won't magically go away if you complain about it to us, he needs to know what has to change. I would suggest you tell him what you need to happen in order for things to improve, then book your own holiday without him, plan some things for you & DS at the weekends so that you are not just there as an unpaid babysitter for DSS while DP does his own thing, and if he notices perhaps he will take notice of your requests to sort it out.

My own relationship nearly ended this weekend due to issues over the DCs and them being treated differently/his guilt about not being with his 100% of the time. It was hard, there was a lot of hurt, but it is now out in the open so we have the best chance of fixing it. Just stewing about it was never going to work.

mummytime · 29/07/2013 11:27

Gloriapiano I'd suggest you start to get your plan ready. It will help when he is being awful, to know you have your plan. Schedule in treats such as a holiday with your kids. Plan something nice for after your exams finish.
But also build in your long term plan.

Actually I think I have read your posts before, but I think it this one it seems a bit clearer about his motivation for his behaviour. He is afraid of losing his eldest son, so is desperately hanging on, and panders to him (or waits for treats until he's there); in an effort not to lose him. His youngest son because of his SN, he doesn't feel he is about to lose, so can't really be bothered with.

It could be that when you pack to leave he suddenly becomes very nice to you. Hopefully you won't be fooled by then and will realise it is too little too late.

joblot · 29/07/2013 11:33

I'm sorry if I'm being thick but I'm not seeing any reason to stay with ops p. He sounds utterly unpleasant- just the favouring of the older child alone would seriously upset me, what vile unkind behaviour. I get the practical problems. Maybe work them out and get out as soon ad possible. Why stay with a horrible person? Really, why? You're a long time dead

Helltotheno · 29/07/2013 11:39

OP you moany cow, LTB!!!!!!!!!!
(ok just joking :) )

People seem harsh for your own good. It's very clear to an outsider that you're just useful to him as childcare and other domestic purposes.
If now is not the time, so be it, but on the basis of what you said, start planning for when you get a job and are back on your feet.

I get migraines, very infrequently thankfully, but everyone in this house knows that when I get a migraine, it's down tools in a quiet room with no disturbances until it's gone. During those times, I am looked after, not moaned at for not being there to look after kids, talk to DH etc. For his behaviour around your migraine alone, it's clear this guy is not the one. He's just a self-centred prat.

Maybe you just don't see that clearly now, but you could definitely have an easier life.

Quaffle · 29/07/2013 11:46

You know what, it never fails to baffle me.

Someone comes on here and describes a man who is clearly a complete twat, if not an out and out cunt.

She outlines precisely why he's a cunt. Even allowing for a little bit of exaggeration, its clear that she's living with a cunt.

Everyone agrees he's a cunt and that she would be sensible to get rid.

And then she says ".......but I love him".

Why? Why would you? How could you? I genuinely want to know. How can you still love someone who treats you appallingly? How can you bear to be neat them?!

My DH is a lovely man and I love him but I can tell you, it would take very little of the sort of behaviour outlined in the OP to cause me to NOT love him any more.

Quaffle · 29/07/2013 11:47

*near, not neat.

Gloriapiano · 29/07/2013 11:52

Thanks for the support guys. I do genuinely appreciate it. He knows I'm pissed off as he sent a text about half hour ago saying he thinks I don't love him and have had enough (in a jokey poem type fashion but with a 'testing the water' undertone). I replied that I'm sick of him moaning when he's left alone for a bit yet not giving a shit when I'm on my own for days at a time and I'm sick of him constantly moaning at me and nothing ever been good enough. He replied "oh dear, sounds like you really have had enough :-(" and then a few seconds later "has that guy been to pick up the parcel yet? Xx" - that's how much of a shit he gives about me saying how I feel. A quick "oh dear" and then change if subject.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/07/2013 11:56

quaff I think one of the answers to your question is that many people have swallowed the "love conquers all" bollocks and many women think they will be the one to change a fundamentally selfish man

it's a master stroke of societal manipulation of females..."women ! eat shit but keep a relationship together at all costs (to yourself) ! all that matters is that men are kept happy !"

a relationship with a man like this only persists if you change your own attitudes and accept that you will be the one doing all the "work" on the partnership

Jan45 · 29/07/2013 11:57

I'm sorry you are being attacked on here by some folk, no need and sorry your OH seems to not take you seriously - sit him down tonight and outline what needs to change but make sure he is understanding why - if he still lets you down then maybe you need to look at separating, if he won't accept your unhappiness is real then nothing will change.

joblot · 29/07/2013 13:00

Jan, out of interest, do you think sitting him down will stop him mistreating his son? You think pointing out this will have a desired effect? Wow, social work must be such an easy job. And policing. Just tell em... And they will change.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2013 13:32

I think the Op is not ready to call time yet, so Jan's idea of one last ditch attempt to shock him into behaving like a grown up might be what OP needs to draw her line in the sand

it must be clear, and time limited though...or nothing will change

and I also suspect it it doomed to failure Sad

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2013 17:04

But OP, you posted about this not long ago, didn't you? Did you think about what was said to you then? I remember all the bits about the holiday and the demanding step son. Wasn't there something about his girlfriend and the cinema?

SugarPasteGreyhound · 29/07/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2013 20:34

Just out of curiosity, why do you name-change every time you post?
(And I agree with Cogito)

DistanceCall · 29/07/2013 22:06

Erm, what is it you love in him exactly? He doesn't seem to care very much for you.

perfectstorm · 01/08/2013 23:35

I don't think you do love this man. I think you love the man he was being in the early days when new romance and best behaviour meant you only saw his good side. But that's not reality. The reality is that he treats his younger child like crap, you like crap, and your kids, from the little you've said, like irrelevances.

We get one life. It's short. Do you really want to spend years more of yours stressed, frustrated, and yearning for the fantasy you thought he was? Because in that time, you could actually be living instead.

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