Fhm, Nuts, images of half naked women....thoughts?

[Quiltcover]

Having read an article in the papers re some supermarkets putting plastic covers over near semi-porno magazines such as Fhm, Nuts etc and all the semi naked women found on the Daily Mail website, it reminded me how demoralising I feel when I find that dh has been looking at these types of images.

He doesn't buy the magazines etc, but I have found these websites on the Internet history. Not hardcore porn, just semi-naked women. I found it particularly upsetting in the months after I had given birth, when my focus was on recovery and breastfeeding and adapting to a new addition. Dh looking at such images is a real confidence knocker.

This was a while back now, but how would you all feel about your dh looking at these images. Is it normal?, insensitive? Selfish? Just what men do? It's not a deal breaker, but it certainly doesn't make me feel great knowing he's ogling young size 8 women in sexy underwear, topless and bikinis.

So he lies to you Circa

Thats much better.

I didn't say it was better, I said that it irks me. I assume embarrassment or something on his part. He knows I know. The difference is I haven't asked him not to do it whereas the OP has asked for him to stop.

I agree with the other posters that if you have expressed concern then he should stop.

Does being embarrassed give you the right to lie to your loved one?

That really does sound like something a teenager would do.

It does and I agree, in the grand scheme of things it isn't sonething I spend time thinking about. We have bigger problems tbh.

Apologies for the highjack.

Boosterseat - yes not all men look at half naked ladies but I think most enjoy to and it doesn't mean that they think women are "cumbuckets".

A man can watch porn and still have a perfectly healthy and respectful attitude to women. I know some women find it uncomfortable - but I also find it quite annoying that some people think that a man doing this is completely unacceptable and should stop just because he partner doesn't want him to, and that if he doesn't it is a massive reflection on the "respect" he has for her. What about having respect for him and accepting that he has his own mind and wants and feelings which are just as valid as hers?

My husband is perfectly free to choose "lads mags" and porn over my having any respect for him of course

misskatamari - no, they can't. If you enjoy seeing women being objectified in print or on film there is no way this would not spill over into your real-life views and attitudes.

I could never be with someone who watched or bought porn, soft or otherwise. I find it degrading to ALL women.

If my OH was still looking at FHM et al at his age (38), I'd feel embarrassed for him really. These magazines are aimed at teenagers/early 20s aren't they? Am assuming your OH isn't in that age bracket OP, and if he knows you wouldn't like it, then he's being very disrespectful.

Misskatamari - Because i personally believe that encouraging self-esteem in your partner is more important than titillation, especially after having your child.

Perhaps even having the decency to delete the history so she doesn?t stumble across it on a regular basis would indicate a little more respect.

but I also find it quite annoying that some people think that a man doing this is completely unacceptable and should stop just because he partner doesn't want him to, and that if he doesn't it is a massive reflection on the "respect" he has for her

^Because people have the right to set their own boundaries within relationships, especially if it is detrimental to the MH of one of the parties ? I?m damn sure I could not be with a man who took my feelings into such little consideration.

Tittypulumpcious - "how would the menfolk feel...."

This one wouldn't be bothered in the slightest, and Cog's suggestion is pretty much on the mark.

It would be fine as long as it wasn't an obsession. All things in moderation.

I cant find any semi naked women in the DM this morning. In fact, I cant recall ever having found one and I read it most days.

I suppose it all depends on timing and sensitivity. Most women I would imagine would feel demoralised if there husband was ogling women in their underwear just a few months after giving birth.

Post birth is a very vulnerable time for women, dh should have been building esteem and confidence not looking at images of girls half his age. It is sad and he admits it.

The DM online is often littered with semi naked women. Maybe we just don't see it anymore, it's become so normal.

I do see most of your points of view and understand feelings if insecurity and agree a partner should be mindful of making sure his DW is happy and helping build her confidence. My main point is that his looking at such things isn't a reflection of you.

Obviously if something bothers you discuss with DH and he should aim to do what he can to respect your wishes. However I think anyone in a relationship dictating to the other that they don't want the other partner to do something because they don't like makes me a bit uncomfortable. Of course have a discussion and try to reach a resolution and behave respectfully to each other - but I don't think it is unreasonable to think its okay for a man to occasionally have a sneaky wank and look at some ladies. As long as its not negatively affecting your relationship in other ways (e.g addiction etc) it is perfectly normal behaviour.

Period - your attitude is plain offensive to men in my opinion. Yes SOME men have warped views of women - and I do actually have a lot of issues with porn/lads mags and their effect especially on the younger members of society. However saying NO MEN CANNOT WATCH PORN/LOOK AT LADIES AND STILL RESPECT WOMEN (basically) is offensive!

I agree to done extent, but surely older married men wanking to young girls is sad and cringey!

I'm not even sure if its about insecurity. More that my dh hasn't grown up and thinks that kind if behaviour is fine. To me it is a right turn off.

Agree with quilt.
Dh told me he had a stash of porn DVDs from time when ex would no longer have sex with him. Sounded reasonable. I asked to see them, and they were relatively harmless, no sm or anything weird.
But they were boring and so in no way did I feel intimidated or was made feel insecure.
BUT dh was recently having a spot of bother (i.e. erectile dysfunction) and usually we have a very active sex life, dh tells me I'm sexy, attractive, blah blah. It just seemed he was trying to blame me (we had been having issues) so I asked if he was overdoing the wanking? He admitted that and also to watching the old porn when he couldn't sleep at night. I asked could he see a possible connection there?
Our issues were/ are also connected to him treating me like an inferior. Again I stressed his watching porn when we were discussing his misogyny was actually proof of his poor attitude towards women! He still doesn't get it, and is sulky because his choosing to throw out DVDs didn't get round of applause...

I think it's a difficult issue. Men like drooling over soft porn and imagining having sex with these young women, but woe betide any male looking at their daughter that way. Men don't realise this dichotomy they have created shouldn't exist. Every female is someone's daughter. Men want to shag anything that moves but want their own female relatives to be kept pure and idolised. And that's why most of the world is like it is. Women trapped and hidden to protect and control them, but then also treated as sex objects too.

Yeah, I do get that - it is a bit gross looking at younger girls. I think as women we think about stuff like that tho and I think a lot of men wouldn't even register - they just think "ooooh boobs - nice". Also I think a lot of men still think they are hot young studs so don't really see the problem when in reality we know that isn't the case.

Have you spoken to DH about this since finding out quilt? It is perfectly understandable for you to dislike it - and I hope you don't feel that in my posts I have been having a go at you. It is the sweeping generalisations of others which bothered me as whether we like it or not the vast majority of men do look at such things and it doesn't make them bad people/husbands/fathers. Men are visual creatures who like looking at ladies and always will. If it bothers you then obviously DH should try to accomodate that.

Looking at it in reverse - women are generally more turned on by things such as the written word - hence the huge popularity of erotic fiction. What if a woman liked reading those - it's for her, not a reflection on DH, her marriage etc but DH says "don't read that I don't like it" - I'm sure many mumsnetters would be saying how awful and controlling it is for a man p do it - but maybe it's him feeling insecure. Maybe a woman has a vibrator and masturbates occasionally with it - DH doesn't like it so should she just stop and bend to his opinion?

That was the point I was making really - just trying to see it from the other side.

I hope you come to a resolution with DH about this. If it is still something he wants to do occasionally please try to remember it isn't a reflection on you at all. He loves you and fancies you and thinks you are way hotter than those young ladies - you're a real life woman

Anormalfamily - I agree in instances like that porn is a problem and is affecting a relationship so I completely understand you needed DH to stop and get rid of it.

It is a tricky issue. I think because I remember life before the Internet and such easy porn access as do the men I hang round with - they have a healthy view of women. I do totally agree with the fact that porn is creating massive problems in society etc however. I'm a teacher and find it shocking what the kids I teach have access to. Eg year 8s found with hard core S+m etc on their phones. That is a problem and kids today are growing up with unreal understandings of relationships etc. I'm all for this new opt in scheme to porn as it is long overdue IMO. However I don't have a problem with DH watching porn. I guess it really depends on the individual and their views about women. Which aren't necessarily the result I porn but might be exacerbated by it.