DD and I are leaving - feel heartbroken...help!

[KissMyStardust]

So I've had a few previous threads about things not being great with DP but tonight I've told him we are leaving (DD is 20 months old). Im heartbroken, I thought we could work through things but tonight he said:

• im not sure if i want to be with you.

-i don't make the effort because i just don't care at times. -i feel nothing, im emotionally empty -i dont feel like we're a couple anymore.

I said, no. I have some self respect and i Will not hang around and see if you decide that you do want to be together. I have tried to be cheerful and fun and affectionate whilst still recovering from severe pnd but i feel like i cannot carry on when i get nothing back- no affection,no conversation,no fun,no effort.

I never thought I would leave, I thought i could fight for us and make it work but i have nothing left to give and my self esteem and confidence are going downhill.

im so upset for DD, she is so happy all the time and i have let her down so badly.

I dont even know what to do now in practical terms-do i look for a flat or a job first? how much should DP be giving to support DD? I don't know if i can cope on my own, I don't know if i have the strength to do this.

-we are leaving as DP owns flat...I dont want to stay anyway...too many memories.

This man is a shit. Have seen your previous threads. You need to stay bloody and strong now. It's over.

Practicalities: ensure you and dd are safe. He has made threats before and for you to be posting at this time of night, presumably things are bad.

What real life support do you have to actively and seriously call upon right now.

You can and will make it through this. Life will be a thousand times better without this abusive callous nothing ruining your days.

I expect your PND has been aggravated by living with such an abrasive bully.

Stick by your promise this time: get out. Tell everyone who is worth telling how this man has been treating you and his baby daughter. Get angry. Money will come in as you're unemployed and will get tax credits and housing benefit.

Where in scotland are you as some local Mntters will be more than willing to meet you for a coffee and a word of support if needed I should think.

This man is a shit. Have seen your previous threads. You need to stay bloody and strong now. It's over.

Practicalities: ensure you and dd are safe. He has made threats before and for you to be posting at this time of night, presumably things are bad.

What real life support do you have to actively and seriously call upon right now.

You can and will make it through this. Life will be a thousand times better without this abusive callous nothing ruining your days.

I expect your PND has been aggravated by living with such an abrasive bully.

Stick by your promise this time: get out. Tell everyone who is worth telling how this man has been treating you and his baby daughter. Get angry. Money will come in as you're unemployed and will get tax credits and housing benefit.

Where in scotland are you as some local Mntters will be more than willing to meet you for a coffee and a word of support if needed I should think.

Remember you are not letting your DD down.

Do keep safe. If necessary pretend you are not leaving after all.
At the very least do not let him know of your plans, and get people there if you can't leave when he's out.

Get as much info as possible about benefits and remember CSA.

Take care.

I haven't read your previous threads but just wanted to say you most certainly aren't letting your dd down, if you stay in this relationship all you do is show her that this is ok and she will grow up likely to accept a partner who treats her the same.
My parents separated when I was quite young I believe for simpler reasons than yours but I grew up to be happy and gained a wonderful step father into the bargain.
I am sure right now you feel really unsettled but focus on providing a future for yourself and dd, one day at a time.

Do you have any RL support? You'll need to talk to various agencies. CAB, Local Housing Authority, Job Centre, CSA and possibly a solicitor if there are any joint assets e.g. money or property. www.turn2us.org.uk has an excellent online benefits checker with links so that you can start applying and get money going into your bank account regularly. It helps a lot if you can get someone in RL to support you through all this.

You're not letting DD down. You're her world and, as long as you're there, she'll carry on being happy. If Mummy is more relaxed and confident because she's free of a horrible relationship, DD will be even happier

went to citizens advice and they were useless, after the man asked where I stay just now, its quite a nice area, he then questioned what i was doing there and suggested emergency accommodation or housing association wouldst suit me as I was used to more affluent area - wtf?! I actually got more advice on benefits etc from the young guy that gave me directions!
I don't know what to do first, do i get somewhere to stay then sort out benefits etc then organise work and childcare? is that a sensible order?

im not usually this clueless but im so tired and huge changes are making my chest tight with panic.

i have a little support in rl - my mum, sister and best friend- none live close but we speak all the time.

thank you for the link Cogito - I Will have a look and see what i need to do next.

Honey, I know this is awful, but you made the right call.

I know it's not the same, but I was seeing a guy for a year, and he came out with 'i'm not convinced there's a future for us' and 'i'm with you for selfish reasons; it suits me'

Damn!

Gave me no choice at all there, took me a week or two to know what I had to do, and ended it. God it hurts like he'll, I really didn't want to do it, but to stay in that relationship would eat away at my soul!

I deserve better, so you sure as hell do too!

In a while, you'll stop hurting. Yeah you'll be angry, sad, hurt, all of those things, but they will pass, and you will remain strong.

Keep posting, and try and speak to someone else at CAB, you need the advice.

Good luck (((hug)))

What a shame you didn't get much help today but don't worry you can still do it. You are strong. You have not let your daughter down. MN is wonderful and can help as much as you want it.

Maybe go back another day and try a different person you might get some compassion. Sorry I can't be much more help.

Go to your local housing office & say that you & your daughter at "homeless from home" ie have to leave your current accommodation urgently & have nowhere to go. They have a duty to give you emergency accommodation while they look at your housing needs. I haven't read your other threads but if you have been a victim of Domestic Abuse (not just violence, any emotionally abusive treatment) Women's Aid & local IDVAs are fantastic at getting you emergency housing. Google your local county numbers. Good luck!

Hissy- sorry you had that happen but it does really help to hear a positive outcome in the end.

I have some savings in my name so im going to try call some private lets tomorrow and see if i can negotiate getting somewhere as hardly anywhere seems to accept housing benefit. my mum said would act as guarantor so that should help. i want to stay in the area as i feel i can cope going out and about here with DD...I don't know if could cope with a new place right now.

step 1 - somewhere to live.

i feel so alone and far from home.

Tbh, if you rent somewhere private, and claim HB afterwards, they'll never know. Pay 6m upfront and then switch to monthly and you'll be fine.

I'm glad you got some comfort from my words. It's 3m on and i'm ok. Not interested in dating, despite a few potential dates in the offing, i'm happy in myself.

I'm focusing on being with the other man in my life, the one that's an adorable 7!

I hope you can stay strong, positive and know that you really are doing the right thing for yourself, and your DD. The last thing she needs to see is that this is how a relationship is.

It was my boy somehow too that I want to show what a proper relationship is all about.

he says he doesn't want us to go and he can try to make more effort. I keep thinking im doing the wrong thing, maybe it could work....i feel so so sad, i have the same ache in my chest as when i had an abortion many years ago...it hurts so much.

Get out of there honey--you are wasting your life with this man.
im not sure if i want to be with you.
-i don't make the effort because i just don't care at times.
-i feel nothing, im emotionally empty
-i dont feel like we're a couple anymore

What else does he have to say to you to make you leave!!
You deserve better