I need practical advice on divorce

[crumpledinside]

I can't believe I am writing this. I have reached the tipping point. I don't want to rush this as I can't bear the thought of my children being unhappy and I hate conflict. But I picked up my diary from 5 years ago and I can see my misery stretching back then and I can see dh isn't going to change. And why should he - what right have I to ask him to?

I'm doing the happy stepford thing on the outside. Inside I am crumpled. But I don't want to be in this place in 5 years time. I don't want my dc to model their relationshipson this. I work 30 hours. I do all the child care except the school run in the morning. Our house is in a state and will be hard to sell. The mortgage is in joint names.

I don't know what to do first. I have promised myself that I will wait a month before telling dh as I need to be very sure. I also don't want to spoil ds birthday or upset dh before a job interview he has coming up. I am afraid of dh's reaction. He has only been physically aggressive with me once, two years ago, but I'm afraid of the nastiness that will follow when I tell him.

Do I see a solicitor first, in secret? Or CAB? I really want to minimise the upset and conflict but I need to do this. I feel so guilty.

I am sorry you have reached this point, it's so painful and can make you feel guilty for upsetting life for your family. If you are so upset inside and hiding it and know that he will never change, then no you shouldn't have to live like that. Look at the wikivorce website about the grounds for divorce and the basic costs. Then you can have a free half hour advice session with a family law solicitor, many offer first telephone advice session for free and they email you the costs of the next steps. Empower yourself with as much information as you can - get the house valued, look at what equity you have and how far would that go if you had half, list your options housing wise, decide what you think is fair for the children's custody. It will be nasty at times but there may be times of just sadness and feeling sorry for your dh because he is losing so much here and probably won't understand why. Counselling for you would be helpful now if you can afford it. Or is there a friend who can be trusted to listen without judgement?

Arequipa is right with her advice, (my ex ended our marriage nearly 2 years ago).
Seek all the help you can get, even if it means seeing more than one solicitor for the free half hour sessions. Legal divorce help is expensive as i'm finding our at the moment.
I ended up taking out legal action against my ex because of his violence towards me and the family home months after he'd left. If you're worried about his reaction, could you get a relative to be there or a friend when you do tell him, or when you seek legal action ask about legally removing him from your home.
Sure counselling would help you sort things out too, it will be hard enough without the guilt etc making things even harder.
The hardest part for me is the time my two younger sons spend with their Dad, i know they need to see him, and to be honest he doesn't see an awful lot of them, compared to lots of other Dads, and both my sons have fallen out with him and refused to see him at times. But i can't say how hard it is when they see him and his new partner. Don't think i'll ever get used to it.
Get all the advice and support you can before making the decision. If you can manage to get an appointment at Relate they will help you decide if you're making the right decision or not. x