How to make DH clean up after himself??

[extracrunchy]

DH is generally absolutely lovely, but we have long term issues with mess! So boring but so sick of it...

He's basically school of "leave it till it's gross and DW kicks off, then sort it out" rather than just rinsing a bowl once it's finished with or putting pants in the wash basket when they come off or helping DS put playdough away after using it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking him to try and do the latter, am I?? He keeps saying it's "different styles" and how come I get to make the rules but I bloody live here to and he doesn't get home from work to find the place looking like it does by Sunday evening. I clean up all week long, is it really too much to ask that he does the same (and only his mess!) at the weekend?

I don't think he thinks it's up to me, it's just a big blind spot - so I'm wondering HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE HIM SEE?!??

God I'm so dull...

That's "too" not "to" and by "the latter" I meant the three examples, not just the playdough.

So so boring

I don't think you can male another adult do what you want.
You could try to make him want to. He isn't going to want to if you try and bully him into it. You could find other ways of asking -ask for these things as !all year round birthday, Christmas or mother's day gifts. In that context, it can often come out better, and a husband can be willing to make the effort to change to make the woman they love truly happy, if they can see it is something you truly value that much (but not just to give in to nagging.)

Tread carefully...asking a spouse to change to fit into your own wishes can feel like rejection, or not being accepted as one is, not fully loved. How would you expect a wife to react if her husband kept asking her to lose weight, or do more work hours or housework than she was comfortable with?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone you live with to do basic things like put their dirty pants in the washing basket. That's just plain lazy. You are not his mother after all.

Not everyone has the same standards and I agree you can't 'make' someone have yours if yours are very high. But I'm sure a middle ground is possible without having to 'tread carefully'...

If he's just a general slob about everything then its probably hard for him to change all at once.
Choose a couple of things that are the most important like putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket and keep tackling that until it becomes a routine then tackle the next one.

It must be so annoying for you!

You are not his maid.

Dump his shit on his side of the bed, dirty plates, dirty clothes etc.

I saw a post on here where someone put all her husbands crap in his briefcase and it spilled out at a meeting

Good point I can't make him... I'mm wary of making him feel crap! Thing is my standards are pretty low by a lot of other people's - would just like a bit of cooperation is all!!

It sounds like he doesn't see it as a problem. This means that confrontation or of any kind request to change won't work, and as yegods said, he might feel it is a rejection, which will make him even less likely to change. The best thing to do is to be 'solution focused' - notice exceptions. When he actually does do something to tidy up, celebrate it and thank him explicitly - state what you are thanking him for (athough try not to come off patronising). Name the strengths he is dispalying - helpfulness, etc. He's likely to want to do more of it if if he know it makes you happy and he gets praise. Also, notice the times when he does do something positive re: the mess. What are the triggers for this behaviour? Could you engineer them any other way? Stick at it, even if he relapses.

Just for the record I have a couple of women friends in a r'ship and one of them is just like this. It is so annoying/frustrating/infuriating for the tidy and clean one. Seems a common dynamic that one person is the messy one, knowing that the other will "look after" them in a parental way. What to do? Regular serious chats about how it makes you feel, and if that's not working you can accumulate his mess over a week in a pile for him to trip over next to his side of the bed... if that doesn't work disappear for a night without leaving more than a note saying you are OK (but no explanation of where you have gone) obviously have to arrange childcare til he gets home, and let him stew for a night then come home from your hotel/friend's house and tell him you just had to get away from the mess. These methods have been tried and tested!

It was me that put DHs crap in his briefcase

Lets start a revolution. I now have a very clean and tidy husband! And I'm only considered moderately insane by his friends

You are a mumsnet hero of mine.

If DH ever got too messy again, I have his oh so precious (and tidy!) toolbox in mind.

It's taken 4 years to get things running properly in my house. I started with the classic tactics of yelling, begging, sarcasm, crying etc. But finally gave up and left the washing up and picking up to accumulate. When I gave up, DH finally noticed that elves and magic were not involved and started pulling his weight. I wish id done this originally instead of getting upset and attempting to reason, beg, yell to him. It just didn't work. It's pretty disgraceful that so many men do this. Read wifework by Susan maushart to get your dander up and then make your plan. Good luck.

Start by moderating your demands.
Pick one area. Ask him to do X. Ignore Y.
Repeat.
Choose another zone. Request he does X. Ignore Y.

You need to disabuse him of any notion you like nagging or are overreacting.

Day to day repeated chores are tricky, they recur and you tire of repetition. He gets numbed to it. Maybe change tack?

I guarantee there'll be something he cherishes, something he takes pride in. Handling it carelessly or messing it would probably get a reaction. People often like to be the chilled, relaxed, easy going one - until it affects something of theirs. Then they see how indifference or lack of consideration affects them.

"They think they're too fabulous" - love this!!

Lots of good advice. I think he thinks I'm just overreacting so maybe leaving it so he sees what happens would work. That said, I'm not sure he'd notice - he's pretty oblivious to mess and dirt in general!

On the plus side, last night he washed dinner dishes without being asked cos I tried "it really makes me sad that you don't care I'm stressed" the other day instead of "I'm angry" - apparently guilt works better than fear! [JOKE before I'm in trouble!]

Oh, just start putting all of his crap in a black bin liner. Anything not moved over the course of two days goes straight in the bin. Much quicker fir you if he doesn't give a shit, he might start remembering to move his stuff if he things it might get binned.

a classic essay that might also get your dander up and help you make your plan.

I think another thing that might be worth pointing out is that housework bores EVERYONE shitless, I think some men like to convince themselves that the reason their wives run around like loons cleaning up is that they enjoy it, rather than because they are lazy and disrespectful.

Oh yes, DP was genuinely shocked when i told him I hated doing it all, mundane, relentless, thankless housework.

Also, deep down, many think they should not have to do it, (same with childcare) because its demeaning and they are men and suited to serious manly stuff.

Stop doing anything for him, cooking, cleaning, laundry and withdraw sex as you feel like a drudge and don't feel sexy.

Agree with stuff in bags or in his side of the bed.

I'm on the lucky end of this- my DH has higher household standards than I do, he loves cooking and does all the ironing. Does his 50% with DD too.

If DH does stuff round the house whilst I'm there and not actively doing something specific, I'm guilted into doing my bit at the same time. I suggest you don't do any cleaning/ sorting/ tidying unless he is present and available to either help you do it or do some other job in the meantime. If he is idle and would still sit and read the paper/ watch TV then point blank ask him what he'll be sorting out off the chores list while you mop the floor/ whatever. That's all I can think of as the nag thing is a bit of a loser all round.