SIL p**ses me off, don't know how to tell her.......

[Northerner]

Our lives are very different. They are wealthy, we are not, I work, she doesn't, she has cleaners/ironing people/gardner, I do it myself.

The MIL we have in common (we are married to 2 brothers) breaks her neck to help her out with the kids and we never see her.

Sil is forever moaning about how stressed/tired/exhausted (delete as appropriate) she is as will happily farm her kids out on play dates to avoid being alone with them.

She has about 6 holidays a year (no joke, a few without the kids so we have them quite alot and she a wardrobe full of designer clothes. She leads such a priviliged lifestyle and it pisses me off that she still moans and does not appreciate what she has.

I hardly ever get time to myself - if I'm not at work I have ds. If she finds out that I've had an hour to myself she'll say how lucky I am.

They are always entertaining and having lots of people over for dinner, our house is small and it bloomin costs alot to entertain so we hardly ever do but she comments on how they never are invited to ours. She has 5 days a week to herself to cook/plan dinner party's, I go to work.

I do get on with her mostly, but this part of her personality I can not bear and I want to slap her and scream WAKE UP.

It's getting to the point where it's difficult for me to even talk to her. I hate confrontation and will probably never tell her, guess I just wanted to offload.

So, why don't you slap her and scream WAKE UP?

there was a programme on television a while ago called "lifeswap".... she should realise she is the lucky one

I think humour is the way to solve this one!

Next time she has a moan, laugh uproariously and say 'my dear xxxx, you haven't a clue about how hard some people's lives are have you'. Just do small but constant drip drip drip of humourous comments every time she alludes to being hard done to.

As regards the dinner party thing - next time she says anything, laugh again and say, oh dear! you really have no idea how hard it is to fit in a dinner with my DH, never mind invite anyone else. Then say witheringly, well of course, you wouldn't have a clue would you. And just let it drift into the unsaid!

its so difficult isn't.I don't get on with my sil at all. Her life is so very different to ours and boy does she like to rub our noses in it. Every opportunity she gets she makes snide comments.However she did go a step to far when she made a comment about our eldest son,he has AS and at our baby's funeral she made a remark to our neighbour that it was a good thing that he'd died as he would probably turn out like the other one. I'm ashamed to admit my mother had to pull me off her.

Why ashamed Octavia ??, she is lucky she didn't end up in the mortuary. I am speechless, and that does not happen very often let me tell you.

octavia I am speechless too! I bet the whole of the assembled group were totally on your side - she will never be able to live that comment down. I think you do well if you still see her in company without losing it.

Northener, do you think your SIL is moaning to you in an attempt to find some common ground - she wants you to know her life really is not perfect? If so, her tactic has obviously backfired and no wonder. I would feel irritated if someone moaned like this to me. Only you know if she is nice but misguided and naive person or is a bitchy person who wants to be one up on you.

How well does she know your day to day life - not well at all by the sound of it. If it was me, and I felt my SIL has a good heart underneath, I'd think about educating her myself.

Can you share with her a day to day problem you are facing (ie no time and no space for dinner party, but you really have to plan one for next week). Ask for suggestions -lead her through the minute details, the shopping for food in your lunchour, the cleaning up of house after work, etc etc and every time she suggests something impractical, explain in minute detail why this will not work. It might, just might show her another side of life.

I think i agree with tigermoth. This will never be resolved as a simmering irritation, and will cause you a lot of energy keeping your teeth clenched!
Can you reslove NOT to let it wind you up, and just to reply very factually and calmy to any snide digs? If she makes a sideways comment about not being invited to dinner, say very openly and calmly "It's true - we never invite you, and I'd love to, but it just isn't possible for me to do the planning and preparation as I'm catching up on domestic jobs during the w/e. i' sure you understand" then, if she DOESN'T understand she well and truly looks like the unreasonable so-and-so she is.

And can you pro-actively ask for the help you would like with the MIL? MILs LOVE to feel needed: is it that she is simply responding to your SILs demands, and would be flattered to be asked by you?

But I can see why you need to sound off on MN!

Hi guys, thanks for the messages. Soapbox I like your idea of humour, think I can manage that.

Blu you might be right about MIL helping her cause she screams for help the loudest. I never ask for help unless it's critical like work or a driving lesson. SIL uses her to go to the gym/hairdressers!

She isn't going to suddenly appreciate what she has unless it disappears or unless she gets some insight into how things are for other people. Similarly, I am sure she has real issues and problems just like everyone else and her problems don't deserve to be belittled just because she has a relatively easy life.

i think it would help her be happier if she did some voluntary work with less priviledged people. Can you suggest this perhaps?

Northener, my SIL is like yours in some way. I spend my time either wanting to scream at her, or feling sad that we don't have a nicer relationship

octavia- I am livid at your SIL's nasty comment, and so sorry about your baby. Can't believe someone could be so ignorant and cruel to you at a time like that. You're better off without her in your lives.

It's my own sister who has the privilidged life style and my parents go running to her all the time. I have asked them twice in two years to feed our cats only to be asked "isn't that what kennels are for?" but despite the fact that my sister goes away for numerous weekends and has a functional cat feeder, my parents will still feed her cats, feed the plants, check the house etc. when my sister lived over the town bridge from us (could see my house from theirs) they would drive passed my house to et to them, they still do this when they drive to the supermarket 50 meters from house, drive home and then phone me saying, your home, why haven't you called over? When my sister works a nice 9-5 job and i am out 7am until 2200 at least 3 days a week (full time hours in short time, but working on medical admissions it is always hectic and with the ward expansion i am absolutely nackered, trying to work those hours,do a degree in my own time, and all the housey crap) she does my sisters ironing ffs (she doesn't pay or do anything for my mother or this, when i joked it must be nice to have it done for you, my mohter offered to do it for us but that she would have to charge!! i am hardly home at the moment because I am in the library or tryiny to prepare for interviews etc but does this matter to them, does it hell.sister clicks he fingers and they go running (elderly parents but still they decided to lay a patio for them because they aren't home to do it! crap, at least they are guaranteed a weekend off plus she gets 50 days paid leave per year, she really takes the piss. . we have to do everything and if they get asked we get fobbed off with excuses. pees me off, she could afford to pay!! apologies for the hyjack and for the rant, >

Northerner

I'd try humour on the SIL as well. May have some effect longer term.

Octavia - do not feel ashamed. Have read some hurtful comments made by other people to Mumsnetters on here but that comment made by your SIL is the absolute worst. To say I felt
stunned reading that does not even begin to cover it:(.

Nursetigger - you have my sympathies, know too well what this situation is like. My parents happily run around after my childfree, single and working full time brother all the time. My mum cleans his house for him, does all his ironing and gets his shopping in!. The little help that I get is given begrudingly and thus I only ask when I'm truly desperate. Infact the last time I did ask for help (to be dropped off late morning at the hospital as parking there at that time of day is nigh on impossible) my Dad forgot, he was full of apologies though. Gave my "hairy" grass plant to my neighbour to water when went on hols as my Mum managed to kill off the other one which she kept at her house through lack of watering.

Its odd isn't it - your OP Northener could have been written by my own sister, probably about me, though I'd hope I don't moan as much.

I don't work, have ONE cleaner, 3 kids, dh has good job etc, but its all perception. From where I'm standing - she has 1 kid, works pt, gets any amount of help from my parents (I get virtually none. They think we are rolling in it - we aren't - we just don't moan about it that much - we have lots of debt. She probably thinks I spend all day with my feet up - I never bloody sit down and my dh works ridiculously long hours. I'm actually quite low at the mo, but I would never tell her that.

My point is, and am probably wrong, but she probably has completely the wrong idea about your life - I know my sister and mother have. They have no idea how hard it is and thus they make the wrong conclusions. Somehow you need to let her know what a struggle it is and everyone is right - humour might be the best way cos a confrontation would not work - I know this to be true.............

I have given up with my lot, excpet what little help I get and NEVER complain - my relationship with both of them is very superficial, but its better than fighting.

Families, who'd have 'em......

You could try being honest but polite. How about next time she makes a remark that grates saying 'it's really hard for me to listen to you complaining because I never get any time off - when I'm not at work I've got ds. We can't entertain because we only have a small house and can't afford catering for a party. So it's difficult to be sympathetic to your troubles.'

octavia, your sil needs a kick up the proverbial. why are you ashamed about your mother pulling you off her? i think that most of us on here would've done the same thing. she is either incredibly insensitive or well, incredibly insensitively naive. how you feeling today? xxx (((((HUGS)))))

sorry about that, Its still all a bit unreal to be honest.This is the first time I've written that he has died, It hurts.
Northerner I'm sorry I used your thread to off load

Octavia

Do not be sorry, that is what MN is all about.