How many relationships survive an affair?

[katykuns]

Do you ever really survive it?

I'm sorry Cogito- I think we are poles apart on this one. Considering your first post , which seemed to accept that each person reacts differently, you now seem to be saying something altogether different- like there is only one way of dealing with it. When you say 'keep the trigger with you and try therapy' I assume you mean that there is no salvaging a marriage if one person has been unfaithful? And that conversely, once someone is out of your home ( and your life) the hurt goes away?

Considering your first post said , quite rightly imo, that there is 'no one size fits all' here, I find your posts now a bit confusing.

My closest friend has been on the receiving end of infidelity and they have had 18 months of therapy- together and separately- to get over it, after her initial reaction which was to start divorce proceedings. Until it happened to her, she said it would always be a deal breaker. the reality was she didn't want to end her 25 yr marriage.

Don't think she'd like being called 'bonkers' for wanting to stick with her commitment and try to salvage the relationship.

Some people are not angry at the infidelity, they can suppress their emotions and they can move on and put it behind them. That was my earlier point. My second point was that some people THINK they can do all of the above and desperately WANT to be the forgiving type, but find they can't. These people shouldn't be corralled into mind manipulation therapies or told that they're a failure when they find that their emotions are too strong. That's when it's bonkers for sticking around

Surely this has a lot to do with the self-esteem, confidence, self-respect etc of the deceived partner? Somebody with a lot going for them in life, who is in a 'good place' and who has lots of opportunities and avenues to move on would, i guess, be less likely to put up with somebody shagging around behind their back. Conversely, some people probably stay with partners who have committed adultery because, deep down, they think that is all they are worth.
By the way, does anybody else, like me, find this whole having therapy following discovery of an affair to be providing a massive get out of jail free card for a lot of very underhand behaviour (usually by men)? I mean, how much of this therapy is simply blokes trotting out the necessary lines in order to keep their marriage together - often for financial reasons - when they've been caught playing away?

I think it depends on the amount of the relationship that was betrayed.

A relationship that is defined by sexual monogamy would be completely destroyed by an affair. But a relationship that was more about companionship, co-parenting and whatever would be less at risk.

Of course a sexual affair might coincide with an emotional affair or direct emotional or financial abuse of the official partner, but those could be relationship-destroying on their own, in which case the sex is just a compounding factor, or the final straw, and not the entire cause of the relationship breakdown.

It's six years since DH's affair and I often forget it happened at all. He was appalled at himself, and is now much more invested in our relationship than he was then, so I have the greatest confidence there will be no repeat.

Ah- thanks for the clarity Cogito.

The only flaw in all of that is that sometimes, someone think they they are A person then finds they are the B, and vice versa.

I'm also not convinced by your arguments that everyone's behaviour and personalities are fixed. No one- and I mean no one could have been more adamant than my friend about the potential impact of an affair on their marriage. She was the typical 'one strike and you are out' mentality. Her first reaction was to ask him to leave. But when it came to following this through, she couldn't. It's taken a HUGE amount of self-searching for both of them to come through it all, not least his working through why he did it.

To answer the OP's point, yes couples do survive. In RL, I know a number of couples where one has been unfaithful; with the exception of one who left for the OM, all the rest ( a mix of men and women who had been unfaithful) have stayed together.