Partner hasnt developed gift of sensitivity even during my pregnancy

[alismummy]

I have been reading mumsnet for a couple of years now and really have come to respect the views of many of the posters on here. Today I am posting because I am so angry that i feel like walking out of my house and never looking back. But i cant as i have a 2 year old son and and i am 39 weeks pregnant.

I have been asking my partner if he could make it home earlier as I have been really tired these last few weeks (anaemic, no help from mum, ds been ill for a few days). Hoped he might be able to leave earlier in the morning. He generally leaves at 8.30am and gets home at 6.15. Today when he got home, ds wanted to go outside with him but he wanted to watch the football. So he put ds outside and hung around the window watching the football. Which basically means i feel compelled to sit with our son and play with him even though i need to put my feet up.

Finally I said to my partner that he was not interacting with ds and his reply was that he was expecting this 'attention seeking shit that used to happen in the old days'. If he wishes to dredge up the past there are alot of vicious things he has said to me including he hates me, will kill me, i ruined his life i am the wrong mother for our son (?), a slag. I did at one point end up in a refuge before christmas, another story, although the reason i came back was that i was pregnant and he never actually hit me. All this i have had to put aside but i am so angry that he dares to mention how I've been in the past, which never bothered him then. He will not communicate properly with me. All serious conversation about how we will manage the impending labour (eg. what i'd like to happen) and the baby afterwards have been met with him either yawning and saying its late, or saying 'i know all this' (which he doesnt) or making stupid comments. When I showed him a picture in the birth book of a woman in labour being supported by her partner, he said 'it looks like hes giving her one from behind.'

I do feel better for having offloaded this. It has helped me not to argue with that idiot in front of my son before he goes to bed anyway.

Poor you...he doesn't sound very nice.

Well he's just said he loves me and will only watch the england games. We'll see. i wouldnt mind as much if i werent ready to drop any day now and needing help with simple tasks. He is obsessed with saying i control him because i dont like tv on when we eat and he does. The other night our son had been crying so i turned the football down in case it disturbed him. he said i watched my programmes louder than his. Feels like i can't have any principles or take any action without being criticised

AM,he sounds horridly insensitive at what is probably the most vulnerable time in your life.

I don't think even the nicest men 'get' what it is like to be pg and have a baby.
My dh,(who I love dearly) didn't really.

Have you tried writing your thoughts down for him to read?

I used to email DP exert from online pegnancy sites reminding him of thigns like being pregnant was the equivalent to climbing a mountain etc. Anytime it mentioned how hard it was, how your homones made you feel x & y, I cut & pasted and emailed it to him and tested him on what it said later in the day!!!!!!

Hope he makes you feel special very soon.

Do you have any friends who can help you? Even if it is just to sit and watch your ds in the garden. Can anyone else be with you at the birth to speak up for you if your partner doesn't want to?

Hope things get better for you soon.

alismummy

Short term you cannot do much except rest as much as possible and look after your two year old.

In the medium term you also need to get some legal advice and support from Womens Aid. Growing up in an environment where such things take place is very damaging for children to witness.

The refuge is yet another story but the facts that he calls you vile names (abuse does not only have to be physical), generally acting like an arse and you've been to such a place (because of his behaviour?) are very worrying.

Why are you with him?

Alismummy, I'm so sorry to read this. I clicked on the thread thinking it would be one where we post funny anecdotes about our daft dps and have a bit of a laugh.

Clearly this is not funny. He sounds very much like a petulant teenager who can't control what he says. Do you want to stay with him? Do you love him and feel that he loves you?

I think right now however hard it is you can't depend on him, or try to make him dependable and be let down by him over and over. On a practical note, can you make arrangements for your ds, and for the birth, which can be communicated to your partner without him having to be involved in making decisions? If you can take control then there's less scope for him to behave like this at a time when it's very hard to deal with.

Do you have people around who could watch ds for an hour or so before bedtime so you can have a lie down? That six-to-seven-o'clock hour is a killer.

Are you expecting him to be at the birth or do you have another birth partner? Do you want him there?

I've got a contraversial suggestion

Is there a very close girlfriend or family member you could get to be your birth partner?

From what I can absorb from other women another woman a the birth is far better than a reluctant man; you don't feel let down and he probably feels off the hook?

Just a suggestion, it may mean you don't get dissapointed and he feels more willing to be helpful if he's not forced in to it.

(FWIW I am not totally sure it all wouldn't be better if men were in the snug bar of the local pub and were passed cigars at the moment of birth and kept out of the way altogether for the first 24 hours. It worked in the Old Days)

Yes suzy I agree with you

should have read the whole thread, it's not a controversial suggestion it seems to be the consensus.

Don't reject him totally but let him off the hook and get someone who is useful to be there with you.

nothing to add as suzywong has put it far better than me (as usual :) ).
Just my sympathy and a little understanding. My DH is wonderful father and I love him dearly but he often just "didn’t get it" with the pregnancy thing. He could never appreciate the daily stresses and niggly worries we all have and I felt I was often boring him/being tedious when I mentioned my worries. He belittled the antenatal and postnatal classes as he felt they were patronising and "obvious" which upset me as I really needed the reassurance. I think it is genuinely hard for them to be totally sensitive and empathetic all the time. Hope it picks up soon :)

Thanks for all your replies. He says he really wants to be at the birth. he says he would hate for me to be telling him, 'this happened and that happened' and for him not to know what i was talking about. (obviously i'd prefer if it were to check i was ok, but whatever). At 2 o clock - england match kick off- i told him i was going into labour ( my idea of a joke) and he was very attentive and focused which was good.

Atila, the refuge was a wake up call for him i think. I got advice from womens aid. And he admitted that he was weak and too easily hurt, and would get counselling, go to relate, whatever it took. We generally keep our rows away from ds and one of us walks away to cool down. Thats the best i can do at this stage of my preg, as you rightly aknowledge.

Pruni (i like your name btw) we do get on well most of the time but in the past, when it was bad it was really bad. He does have his teenage selfish moments, but then some of my friends got no help through pregnancy or afterward so i'm luckier than them perhaps?

Bagelbird, i can relate to what you are saying alot. He has alot of deadlines at work and as he said yesterday, had only had a few hours sleep as he got up to check on our son who was crying in the night. he did apologise and make tea too.

Thankyou everyone for saving me from a big row. I really appreciate your thoughts.

I had a female friend as my birth partner. Not that I dont adore dh, but he is just rubbish at babies and helping me deal with pain. And it worked out really well for us all.
And we do have our moments too...on a good day, dh is out at work from 5.30am to 6.30pm, or 11am to 11pm, depending on his shifts.Its longer when he does overtime. I got sooo tired with my second pregnancy (ds2 is 15wks now), even though dh did get up to ds1 in the night. I'm still not sure if it was his fault, me being pathetic, or what. I dont suppose all this babbling helps, but just really wanted to to say that I can empathise.

Well he does seem insensitive. Mine wasn't as bad but ike lots of men didn't get how tiring and exhausted pregnancy made you. Also, I didn't think he could be trusted to be on my side against drs during labour where I knew I'd have to fight my ground (I wanted a natural birth following a caesarian). I employed a doula who was fab - and despite being 15 days late and induced, got the most brilliant birth. He was there - to catch our dd2 when she came out (his cricketing skills came in useful in the end I guess) but I was glad I had loads of supportive women around me (including a dedicated midwife)

I agree with suzy too, if it's possible to organise it. You need to feel supported during the birth. Could you have him and another woman there, if he insists on being there?

So sorry you are having such a rough time. Being pg with a toddler is hard enough without cruel and insensitive behaviour from your dp xx

Another one seconding the female birth partner. (Hope it's not too late, as op was a week ago)
I had no faith in dp when I was pg the first time and had him and a female friend there. He was much better than I gave him credit for.

He also doesn't really"do" babies, but as his children have got older he has got more involved and developed a closer relationship, too (the oldest is now 7).