am I crazy?

[lostsoul80]

Me and DP been together 13 years 1 DC, had a few issues last 16 months not getting on, arguing, no love. Then few months back I find that he had been having an affair for 4 months. That killed me, threw him out was hard to even look at him, what hurt most is that he had an affair with a much younger guy. I never even know this about him thought after so much time together that we knew each other inside out. Found out that he had met up with him even after all this had happened. A lot of damage was done but chose to take him back, we went for a few sessions of counselling see if that could help. But I can't trust him, I constantly check his phone, his emails, or where he is and go home during work just incase he's up to something. I just don't know what to do, we aren't married says he'll never marry me and scared he'll go back to be with him if we finish things for good, feels last 13 years has been a lie

I think you have to accept that your relationship is over. It sounds as though your P is very confused about his sexuality and needs to work on that, but even without the confusion of sexual orientation, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to work things out with you. Gather your pride and let him walk away. You deserve better and eventually you'll see that.

THe last 13 years may have been founded on a lie, but it's not your fault and you have a lovely child out of it, so it's certainly not a waste. You must have had something special at some point to have got together and made a DC, even if it failed to last. Look forwards not back. Your P can be a good dad to your child and you can both move on and have happier lives.

So to put it mildly, your DP doesn't seem very remorseful about having cheated on you. Is he? How is he attempting to make amends? It seems like you abandoned counselling fairly quickly, why was that?

I think it's understandable that you are struggling to regain his trust. Is he confident that the affair 'only' revealed to him that he is bisexual, and is not symptomatic of him being gay but in denial about it?

From reading your post, I don't get why you would stay.

We obviously don't talk about it when DC is about and can't talk to my friends or family about what actually happened. He has apologised, we go on family outings together and have a holiday coming up, at times just feel like friends or brother and sister. I'm just scared of losing him

Why can't you talk to friends? You could possibly try and obscure the gender of the person he cheated with, although I don't see why you should, since I'm sure that had an additional bearing on how you feel.

You don't have to hide this, and you deserve support from those closest to you.

He's apologised but how is he trying to reassure you that he wants to be with you?

I fear that once people know the truth then he will go, everyone will think bad of me and DC may get bullied. My parents will probably think different of me and ashamed

Your last 13 years haven't been a lie. Yours have been based on trust, faith and face value. His last 13 years OTOH have been completely dishonest and quite cruel. I expect you're only scared of losing him because you can't imagine your life being different.... rather than because you actually want to be with him. Remove him from your family on the grounds of 'it didn't work out' and be selective to whom you confide the truth. Tell your parents he had an affair and, if they are 'ashamed' because you've been betrayed, then they'd be pretty poor human beings.

My parents/family/friends are aware he had an affair but obviously not with another man. I love him and can't bare see him with someone else nevermind another man

Has he left now? It's very easy to convince yourself that you still love someone when they are still hanging around, still doing the same stuff, still looking like the person you thought you knew. Put a bit of distance between you and give yourself the opportunity to think properly and the indignation at the way you've been treated will have chance to evolve.

No we haven't split up again I know if we do he'll go running back to him. I know he is still around as mail him now and then ensuring he keeps his distance

You can't police him and warn potential affair partners off forever. If he doesn't really want to commit to you, and it all feels like "just friends", then it sounds pretty hopeless TBH.

Anyone who thinks badly of YOU because HE had an affair, isn't worth your time.