The last words I said were "I love you"; the last words to me were "Go f* yourself". The relationship ended a while ago, my fault. But emotion trumps reason, and I am not used to that.
I want to do what's best for her, but now also for myself; because I can't do this anymore. I can't hope that there's any chance it can work anymore after being told so many horrible things time and time again. My attitude became 'not to put myself first anymore' but too little too late. I can't expose myself to that anymore, I can't take anymore rejection and being pushed away. I am not strong enough and don't have any support. I can't watch as she builds a life without me (as if I never mattered) happily, in spite or otherwise. That may sound narcissistic but either way still hurts deep. I can't take having every reminder surround me and trigger me anymore. It seems everyone is happily having fun living out their lives but me. I can't take the feeling of missing her anymore, the nights are the worst. I can't take ruminating and worrying about what she's up to, thinking about, feeling or who she's with.
Realising that I don't exactly know how she feels about me anymore, I don't want to enable a situation where (a) I hurt her anymore (as everything I do and say is taken negatively) and (b) I don't want to be hurt by her anymore (waiting for the words "I've met someone else" to kill me off). Her recently cruelty may only be way of coping and it helps her, or her way of being nice to try to make the split easier for us, or punishment and payback for my past mistakes, or just retaliation after wrongly interpreting hate (instead of just hurt) in my words. Sticking comments include 'you were never here to leave' and that I dwell on the past (e.g. we had a miscarriage that has really impacted me but she appears able to shrug it off, I don't have kids and really want to be a father, she has two amazing boys, and all this recent baby prince talk has come crashing down around me as I have lost my family). She repeats that I've made my choices, even when I did choose to move with her (providing evidence each step) and I believe that has been reflected throughout my words and actions but her mistrust and emotions make her blind to it.
I hope someone can relate and offer advice for the future; however, I do have borderline personality disorder and heavily self harm - lead to an attempt on 12/03/2013 (other contributing factors). I would really like to hear from someone who understands the impact of that on a person, a relationship - especially the irrational, impulsive and attachment qualities (conscious that I've possibly posted in wrong forum?).
Sorry if that sounds me, me, me; but my feelings do matter as well as hers and I need to shout out that her actions, words and the breakup do impact me. I don't blame her, I know it's happened in response to me being a terrible partner and horrible person in the past. I have to live with that guilt and regret. But I don't want to make it worse, on either of us. I suspect she grieves too behind the public face.
So far I've been advised to:
- Create space. She's moved over 3hrs drive away; I've changed, deleted or blocked many contact routes; she doesn't know my address, I don't know hers; I only remember her e-mail and mobile; she probably has mine and knows my commonly used usernames online. I was due to move with her, in the last week she said I was asking too much and couldn't with valid reasons. I am still overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to run to her, to drop everything and move anyway. Work already know it's on my mind and will accommodate it, I rent and my landlord already know it was planned. I am struggling. Knowing she has cut me off too really cuts deep.
- Be kind to myself and seek help where it's needed. I am due to see a doctor for an extended time later today (yes a weekend), they are aware of the situation and my health.
- List every reason why it wouldn't have worked, true or uncertain. List every word and action that hurt to remind me why. I haven't done this yet, it's too difficult to relive and think about at the moment.
- Time heals all. Keep my mind occupied and busy with anything to distract myself, positive and constructive activities alongside time fillers and exercise. Try to do things that used to or do make me happy. Allow myself to heal. This is easier said than done but yesterday I met a drummer and reconnected with my band, I have started a new qualification, I bought a car for freedom and I had a promotion not too long ago. I am busy.
- When I'm ready allow myself to notice others, meet new people and connect with old friend. I am not ready and seriously do not want to. I only want her. I don't feel This is causing floods of anxiety as I fear no one will compare, that I won't ever stop loving her and she'll always be there in the back of my mind, that I won't ever feel this way for someone else, that my heart is already taken, that I won't be ever able to be intimate or close to someone else. I know I'm only reaching my mid-20s and still young, I realise there is a whole world out there, but I also know a lot of people who have had to settle after similar experiences and aren't happy.
Sorry for the length, it has been a slight vent and has helped (I don't have any outlet - had to delete my blog - or emotional support anymore, burned a lot of bridges trying to make things work). I guess I really just want any practical advice that will help, affirmation that I'm doing all I can and the right thing of stepping back here. I know that's hard to judge not knowing the full story or people involved.