DP lying - exhausted from checking up on him, don't know what to do

[suaveanddecimated]

I am constantly finding out little (mostly harmless) lies that DP tells, and we are getting into a terrible vicious circle with it. The ones I notice are mostly small things about his past - how long he was with exes, what he did with them etc. Eg, a small one is that he had an ex he was with for 2.5 years who he said had never met his parents or been to his family home (I didn't care either way. ) I was clearing out a wardrobe in his family home one day with their housekeeper, to put my clothes in it, and the housekeeper pulled out a skirt and said "oh that belonged to (his ex), we all hated it when she came here. His mother couldn't stand her."

Other things include telling me he's been with 20 women in his life, and the longer we are together, the more and more people we meet who talk about his exes, or he tells me about, or exes of his that we actually bump into - vastly outnumber the 20 mark. He also told me he'd never had sex with anyone in our bed before me when we first got together, then during a mundane argument he pulled out that he had slept with lots of women in our bed before he met me, then denied it later and said he was doing it to "lash out" and that it actually wasn't true.

Other times there have been bigger lies - he wasn't where he said he would be and I have found out either by seeing a receipt for somewhere other than where he said he was at the time he said or via chatting to his friends who inadvertently reveal where he actually was (all harmless places.)

Whenever I bring him up on these lies he gets upset and says he first of all denies they are lies - he says he "can't remember" what the facts were, or that he told me a particular version of events about the past because he thought it would make me happier and that the past if "none of my business" anyway. I tell him it makes me feel like there are bigger lies that I do not know about, but he just does not understand this. He says if I have found out tiny minute details about small things he said two years ago and compared them to "data" I had in the present day, then surely great big whopping lies would be obvious to me.

Now whenever any small lie is revealed to me, I instantly bring him up on it and we argue (he says "what does it matter whether in 2006 I spent 6 months in Australia or 3 months? How does that affect our relationship? You're crazy.") I have become like an angry mother tracking his every move and bringing him up on tiny things I find out. I have become totally compulsive and on a mission to find out whether everything he says is true or not. He calls me the "memory robot" and "inspector gadget."

I do NOT want to be like this. I have become an over-vigilant, nagging cow about stuff that happened 10 years ago, because I am now fixated on whether it's the truth or not. I just want to know I am being told the truth! I have become so obsessed with it and caused him so much grief that my MIL has had a (kind) word with me and said "stop fixating on the past, concentrate on the now and the future." She's right, of course, everybody should do that - carpe diem and all that.

But the bigger issue for me is whether I am with an untrustworthy person, and that's why I am fixated. There is no other suggestion of him being untrustworthy except these small lies. My friends in RL tell me I have two choices: Let go of tracking everything he tells you and just be happy (we are happy when I am not bringing him up on these white lies), or leave him.

I am now considering getting flexispy and putting it on his phone to see if I can trust him, but I realise that is just one further step down the obsessive/compulsive route.

Please someone talk some sense into me.

You don't trust him. That's not a psychological problem on your part, it's a perfectly natural response to living with a liar. The only way to find peace of mind, I'm afraid, is to ditch the liar.

Hmmmm not very nice for you.

But don't drop your standards. Flexi spy?? Really? What is this? It is the actions of a mad woman.

I would not like to be with someone who bluffed along like your partner. Things wouldn't add up. M

The thing is, do you think he will change? And if he doesn't, what then? Cos that's what you are frugally looking at. Him not changing and life with him being like this.

I had an ex who was right wing and would make comments that made me either want to kill him or die. He is still like it. If they don't change, we have to leave x

You are considering putting a spy tracker on his phone because of stuff which happened years ago??
Might I suggest you get some therapy for your control issues before he leaves you?

In some ways I'd find small lies worse than big ones - they are so pointless. Of course he isn't trustworthy, why are you asking?

I think when you say you want someone to 'talk some sense into you' that you want to be told that the lies don't matter. I don't think anyone will tell you that.

I really can't understand why you want to be with this man. He will never make you happy. He will lie about you to his next partner.

Ugh. Better to be single than to have a 'd'p like that.

maypoledancer it's because of the stuff that dementedma says above that makes me think maybe I do have control issues? It is all mostly past stuff. The reason I am considering putting a spy tracker on his phone is because I want to know if it's present stuff too.

My mother is a control freak and used to track everything I did and would accuse me of being a compulsive liar when I said I left school at 4.30 and arrived home at 5pm because "the journey should only take 15 minutes."

This is what I feel I am becoming.

And I can't work out whether he's a compulsive liar, or I am turning into my mother.

Your friends in RL are right.

The way I read it from your post though I'm not sure you'd ever be able to let this go, you are considering spying on him. There's a good chance he's had enough of the situation too, so this may not be entirely up to you whether to stay with him or not ...
Leave him and find someone you don't need to constantly check on, it must be bloody exhausting.

But the lies aren't in the past. He lies about his present whereabouts.

I had an ex like this. He lied, casually, to everybody. Mostly innocuous but pointless stuff, daft stories that never happened etc.

But observing him tossing off these meaningless untruths was very unsettling. I guess if he can lie about small stuff, you'll always worry if he's lying about big stuff too. Either way, he isn't trustworthy.

suave my husband has become like you, and I'm not lying about anything. It has all but destroyed our marriage. I told him he either got therapy or a divorce - his call because I don't care anymore. He is in therapy now for control issues and paranoia. I will not be spied on, controlled, questioned constantly.
I found out he had googled all about tracking devices for phones etc and had my phone wiped and it is now locked and he knows why. Not because I am hiding anything, but because he has no right to own my every thought.
I hope you and do sort this out as indeed you must be mentally exhausted, but so must he be with your constant accusations.

Well he has brought this about due to his dishonesty and your reaction IMO is perfectly natural.

I cannot see him ever changing and it cannot be a good, loving relationship if you cannot trust him and he is being so disrespectful towards you.

Find someone else.

I think given what you said about your mother it is highly likely that you could really use some therapy for your issues as it can't be nice living in this state of anxiety all the time.

However, this doesn't mean that your DP doesn't also have his own issues that mean he lies and is untrustworthy. It doesn't sound as though the two of you are very good for each other and may be better off with other people better suited to you.

What jacy said

You two sound like a perfect storm. Unfortunately.

Lt(lying)b or at least agree to take a break from each other

A 'normal' person wouldn't be able to trust that sort of shit.

However it also sounds like you were brought up in a bonkers environment. You probably need help to free yourself from that.

Hope you are ok, op. sounds awful for you.

Wow, well whatever is the truth and whatever is a lie, it sounds like the respect just isn't there! he felt entitled to spin a web of pointless lies to make his own life look more interesting, and to edit out the details that didn't make him look good, and even if those details are the past and they aren't relevant today, it still leaves you wondering what type of 'construct' you're married to. A bit of a fantasist? a liar with no respect for you? somebody deluded and entitled?

The past is relevant because you have no idea who you are married to.

Hello OP, sadly i can see both sides of this in that i know i have lied or underplayed stuff to my H. He has NO idea how many people i slept with before him, i didn't want him to judge me and knew he was v.inexperienced. I jydge myself tbh! And he has difficulties dealing with certain things, he can be very anxious. I do lie to him fairly regularly. Small lies, which in my mind, give him less to worry about. This is actually something i am changing because it makes me uncomfortable and doesn't help his 'issues'. I have not lied about anything large or 'important' or anything that has occurred since we got together.

On the other hand i am a bit of a jealous type and descended intoa complete wreck once when i got hung up on what he was doing where he was etc vicious circle indeed. I had to bring myself out of that state over a period of months and feel much happier now.

The stuff in the past - don't worry about it. Its been and gone and you weren't there and some of the things doubtless were to either try to impress you or feel special. Conventrate on the present. Have a sane discussion with him that you want to sort it out (if you do) acknowledge that its sending you a bit crazy and you don't like being that person or how you feel. Then ask him to help you. He doesn't have to tell you where he is 24/7 but just not lie about it. Good luck! X

Agree with Marge: the past is relevant because you have no idea who you are married to

Nottalotta you sound like a nightmare.

Some people are liars. They just do it. I don't think he will change. Not many people would be happy with this.

He will continue to lie so long as you continue to behave like you do and vice versa.

IMO it's not your business who he slept with in the past, where he's been in the world and for how long, who met who's parents. If he chooses to share that information with you fine. But I feel sorry for him, he doesn't have a choice and memory is a funny thing. When put on the spot like I imagine he feels he is with you, I bet he says the first thing that comes into his mind to give you an answer. You don't believe him so you ask him the same thing over and over again. Any detail which isn't exactly the same as the first time he told you is 'proof' that he's a liar. And if he is, why waste your time? You can't love someone who you believe to be so dishonest that virtually nothing they say rings true.

If this were a woman posting about her DH I think many of the responses would be different.

Yes, you are in danger of turning into the kind of woman your mother was and your suspicion will kill this relationship. Let it go or go. (or get some psychotherapy).

The key thing for me is, are the lies a habit, part of his personality, or are they a response to your need for high levels of detail and recall of past events? Is he fabricating because he is a fundamentally dishonest person, or is he under pressure to provide a complete picture when his memory has faded?

If the former, will he change? If the latter, can you change?

I can't remember all the details of my past life and I'm sure you'd find conflicting facts. None of them facts that matter one way out the other.

Considering your own experience of your mother I'd look to yourself first and get some therapy before buying spyware or ditching him. You can always ditch him later.

He must feel horribly like you are checking up on him. Liars need good memories. In his case it's almost casual - you were frank about your mother's hang ups but I think it distracts from dp being so economical with truth. Do other posters feel it's not all that malicious so calling it lying is possibly too harsh? He can't seriously be vexed at you tripping him up when he fibs with the aim of smoothing over or putting himself in a better light.

It sounds draining for both of you tbh. I can't see you putting up with each other.

He'll never think you are justified or reasonable. Leaving aside MIL I wonder if others notice that trait?

If you stick together you'd better hope you never fall out or you'll never see him agree on anything unless it's recorded or down in black and white.

maypoledancer as i was writing i was thinking 'this sounds bloody awful' hence why i say its some i am changing. My reasons for sharing are that as donkey suggests, it doesn't have to be malicious. Certainly isn't in my case.

You just don't sound well suite. He's a casual liar, you are someone who is particularly sensitive to that and obsessive about it because of past experience. I think you have to admit that trying to make this work will be very painful for you both and you would probably be better apart. Sorry.

well suited - flaming sticky keyboard.

Sorry but I couldn't be bothered to read all your OP as it was exhausting keeping up with all his lies. I just wanted to get on with telling you to get rid of this idiot. Small, unimportant lies, might not seem a problem but really, why lie at all? To feel important, to gas light your girlfriend, to make yourself appear something you are not, etc etc. None look great reasons do they?

Fundamentally OP you don't trust him and that is no basis for a fulfilling relationship. My stbxh used to recount what started out as shaggy dog stories. Gradually the lies became more elaborate (and obviously untrue) in an attempt to impress people. He would swear black was white when anyone called him on it. I fell for his lies about his feelings for me and others initially but now regard him with as much contempt as other people.

Time to move on. Good luck