Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?:(

28 replies

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 06:44

Separated from h few weeks ago(got messy, police called and I left with 3dcs) I am trying to be reasonable, he is due to see dcs today and other than being told where and what time to meet him he has not replied to my question as to where they will be all day and what time I can collect them, what do I do? I have to be careful as any difficulties and he will say I am being awkward and making it difficult for him to see dcs:( but I am not happy about it, I am concerned he may not bring them back:( any advice, thank you for reading

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 27/07/2013 06:49

How did you reach this agreement on contact? Is it enforceable? Why do you think he will not bring them back?

jayho · 27/07/2013 06:56

If he won't give a clear return time and location, don't take them. No one will say you are unreasonable in the circumstances.

Call 101 and log your concerns, you will have an incident number from their last visit and you can log it under that. You may well find that they advise you not to allow contact if you believe that there is a genuine risk the children will not be returned, that they may be at risk of harm and if contact is not currently court ordered.

Good luck. (Been in there in case you can't tell)

Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 06:56

It's just between us, he asked to see them today so I agreed. I expected to be told before now about timing though, I am in between solicitors atm so have no legal advice but I can't stop him seeing the children and don't want to but he has got increasingly nasty towards me and not bringing them back would 'get' at me which is his intention

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 06:59

Jayho, can I really do that? I feel I am overreacting but I am not happy about it at all, I want him to see them for dcs sake but the lack of details and where they will be and when I can collect them is unnerving, he has just ignored my request

OP posts:
Dilidali · 27/07/2013 07:01

No, don't let the children go. Have you got a family member nearby that can come to see you for the day?
I know you want to do what's best and he's their father but I would be worried sick ( since you say police got involved).
I hope the day goes well for you.

cloudskitchen · 27/07/2013 07:08

I would be concerned if it was me. If you are concerned that he won't bring them back then perhaps you shouldn't let them go. The best thing for your DCs is not being forcibly removed from their mum that's for sure. Take some time to think it through properly. Log your concern with the police as someone else suggested. Do you have some support - family or friends that can help you?

Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 07:11

I may be overreacting, thank you for your replies. I am not happy about the lack of information, he will collect them from x at such a time but nothing about when they come back:( he has been quick to mail be about finances etc, he threatened a few weeks ago he would destroy me - this is my worry, the dcs are my world

OP posts:
Dilidali · 27/07/2013 07:25

I don't think you are overreacting. It is a nightmare.
Look, your children's safety is paramount.
Call/text and say: Since you can't tell me what time and where you will return the children I won't allow access and I shall be calling the police afain if you try to do so. End of story.

lunar1 · 27/07/2013 07:30

I wouldn't allow contact in these circumstances

GettingVerySleepy · 27/07/2013 07:32

Don't be afraid of him, he can only destroy you if you let him. Definitely don't allow a visit, call it off. Don't be a victim anymore - you got away from him, well done, now stay strong and don't let him push you around!

Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 07:33

I am frightened, feel I can't win and I feel like I am the one in the wrong:( it sounds so silly not allowing him to see them cause he won't give a collection time and place but its a worry:( thanks for your replies

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 27/07/2013 07:43

It doesn't sound silly at all. Those putting children first don't ignore all safety precautions and of course you should know where they are and when they are back. Take the advice on here and don't be a victim.

GettingVerySleepy · 27/07/2013 07:56

He is withholding the information on purpose to scare you, doing his best keep you frightened to maintain his control over you. Don't let him, set boundaries, and keep the children away from him and safe unless you are ordered to permit visitation. Seek legal advice immediately ion how to protect yourself and your children.

Roshbegosh · 27/07/2013 08:03

My guess is that he hasn't thought of collection etc because he won't get anything sorted and he is giving you the runaround for nothing. He will let them down with a big excuse / drama or try to make it your fault.

Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 08:15

Thank you all:) I have some numbers to ring so will see what advice they can offer

OP posts:
EachAndEveryHighway · 27/07/2013 08:49

You need to get in the habit of having the collection day / time / place in writing, and more importantly the return day / time / place. Every time. Just drop him an email saying something like. 'So, you're collecting the kids at 10am on Sat, can you please confirm what time you are returning them? If I don't receive a response to this email I'm afraid you won't be able to take them, as we all need to know where we stand.'
This is what I do and it stops my XH playing silly buggers.

Original poster
mrsericnorthmaniwish · 27/07/2013 08:54

Eachandeveryhighway - thank you for that,I did the asking what time and where to collect but he has ignored it, next time I will be adding if you don't reply children won't be there, didn't think of that cause I think I am too polite and nice perhaps:(

OP posts:
EachAndEveryHighway · 27/07/2013 09:15

You could even put in the initial mail: 'As advised by the police and my solicitor', if I don't receive a response .....,...' as I see the police were involved. A hint of external authority might do the trick if your polite requests don't work.

Best wishes .... it's hard in the beginning, laying those boundaries down especially when you/he's used to him making all the rules, but it gets easier once you all settle into a routine.

EachAndEveryHighway · 27/07/2013 09:19

You could even cc local police and your solicitor on the email if you thought that would help. I didn't have to go that far, but I would have had no qualms if he was being awkward.

myroomisatip · 27/07/2013 09:23

Since he threatened to 'destroy you' there is absolutely no way whatsoever I would allow him to have the children.

Talk to the D.V. unit at your police station and get some advice.

Badvoc · 27/07/2013 09:26

No fucking way would I leave my children with this person.

fackinell · 27/07/2013 10:10

No! I wouldn't let them go. I'd text and say 'as you have not confirmed the location you will be taking the DC to and not confirmed a return, I have decided to wait until properly organised access can be arranged.' Then switch your phone off and do something fun yourselves.

jayho · 27/07/2013 10:25

You aren't being silly. It is not your job to keep him happy, it's your job to protect your children. Please call 101 for advice.

cloudskitchen · 27/07/2013 16:20

How did it go? Thanks

Dahlen · 27/07/2013 16:48

This isn't a police matter unless the OP has genuine fears about the children's safety. If both parents have PR the father is as entitled to take the children as the mother is to keep them. If she wants to change that balance it is a matter of civil (not criminal) law and she needs to get to court asap.

OP I sympathise enormously. Your H sounds like a prize twat, but unless you can show reasonable grounds for suspecting he is likely to abduct the children and prevent you from seeing them, or unless you can give a good reason as to why their safety may be in question when they are in his care, the police will be able to do very little. You really need to get to court.