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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry

17 replies

rek999 · 27/07/2013 01:10

I've made a new account as I know a few on here. Anyway, there is a girl who works with my DH of several years. It's clear she has a thing for him but like a lot of guys he is completely oblivious and has always denied it. I let it go as it seemed harmless enough but at a work function earlier this week with drink involved she tried it on and kissed him. What is worrying is that my DH responded to the kiss briefly before backing away. He told me what happened and says he was drunk, she jumped him and he was on 'autopilot'. He basically said he didn't know what was going on. I asked some other witnesses and they said his account checks out more or less. Anyway I am not really sure what to do to next, with regards to him, or her. If anything. Thank you for any advice :)

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MrsFrederickWentworth · 27/07/2013 01:27

It sounds as though he was up front about it and is telling you the truth.

In which case, can you say calmly that you appreciate him having done so, that you would be really upset if it happened again and perhaps he had better try avoiding tactics with her. And then leave it.

If you go on about it, you may lose the adult behaviour that you've had from him.

But in the meantime I would go and dig the garden/ go for a long walk/ make bread to get rid of of the rage and upset I know I would be feeling. I would try to behave better than I would feel. And I woulde go and get drunk with a female friend in RL.

If it happened again I would take further action, counselling or whatever.

Original poster
rek999 · 27/07/2013 21:17

Thank you. I will indeed have a few drinks this evening

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Sparrowlegs248 · 27/07/2013 21:41

I agree - he has been honest and up front. He needs to realky cut things off with this woman now though and pay more attention if you tell him someone else hs a thing for him! Fwiw i'd be bloody fuming!!

MelanieCheeks · 27/07/2013 21:46

If he hadn't noticed this as a possible before, he now knows how this woman feels, and hopefully will be able to consciously keep her at a distance. It's good he was honest with you- that's a valuable characteristic.

Vivacia · 27/07/2013 21:51

I don't know how I would handle this. I think I'd want to know how long he reciprocated before coming to his senses, if that makes sense?

Original poster
rek999 · 29/07/2013 18:39

Thanks all. You don't know how much it helps to read some comments from people not involved! I do give him credit for telling me. I think they were kissing for four to five seconds. Doesn't sound like a lot but when I think about it, for a kiss it is quite a long time. He still stands by his story that he was acting instinctively and there was not much he could have done as his reactions were impaired.

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Vivacia · 29/07/2013 18:47

I think I'd feel the same as you, but would want a commitment from him to not choose to get so drunk that he's unfaithful again.

How have things been with colleague since?

arequipa · 29/07/2013 19:02

If a man kissed you for four to five seconds and you responded instinctively it would be because you fancied him and enjoyed the kiss, wouldn't it? If he was a creep you would instinctively push him off/back away wouldn't you? Kisses don't just happen out of the blue. Not to anyone I know, drunk or not. There is a build up ( whether conscious or not) and the "I am blameless" attitude would not fool me for a moment. Or does he get so hopelessly drunk that anyone could pick his pocket/snog him/push him over and he'd be unable to stop them....? Sometimes people think a confession absolves their responsibility. He's now regularly seeing at work someone with who there is a frisson and an important boundary has been broken. I would be utterly pissed off and unforgiving if it were me. He would need to be humble and remorseful and do all the washing up for the next 10 years. If you have a strong loving relationship and loads of trust you will get through this fine as a storm in a teacup -but if there are cracks anywhere this will show them up. I hope it's the former. Sorry to be the more negative contribution.

Cabrinha · 29/07/2013 19:17

I'm a bit cyclical about giving him Brownie points for honesty. Sounds more like damage limitation. If you could ask several witnesses, you're clearly close enough to his colleagues for him to worry you'd be told. If my exH had kissed someone at work, I wouldn't know.
I'd want some very firm reassurances from him about what he was going to do about it.
I disagree about not going on at him - OK, at some point you have to let it go and move forward - but that doesn't have to be immediate - and certainly not whilst you feel upset about it enough to get drunk! If it pisses him off you mentioning it, he shouldn't have done it.

meditrina · 29/07/2013 19:23

You say "girl" but that she has been working for a few years (so at least this isn't complicated by her being under the age of consent) How old is she? 20-ish, I suppose.

In which case, I suspect that, intense as it all seems now, it is unlikely to be a fixed interest. Perhaps the best angle is get DH to see it as the girlish (near teenage) crush it really is, that it will be superseded by an interest in a boy her own age, and that the kindest thing to do is to stay well away and let her grow up in her own time.

Original poster
rek999 · 30/07/2013 21:18

Thanks again for replying everyone. I guess I was thinking that it was just a kiss at first but now my mind is running wild. She is in her early 20s which makes me feel bad about myself. I wonder if he secretly loves this and is taking it as an ego boost. I also feel that there was probably some build up as suggested, probably loads of flirting in the office and into the evening. I'm not getting the reassurances that I need from him about keeping distance from her. As the title of the thread - angry!

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Original poster
rek999 · 30/07/2013 22:57

Should add that I asked him to no longer attend work functions (at least for the time being) and he said he wasn't keen as it would create gossip

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Doha · 30/07/2013 23:18

Ask him what is more important to him. His marriage or office gossip.
His choice.
I agree that there has probably been a build up of flirting etc and that a boundry has now been crossed and witnessed by work colleagues.
His admission sounds very much like damage limitation.

Dahlen · 30/07/2013 23:28

I'm coming at this from the angle of a woman who once saw another young woman remove her top (she had a bra on underneath) and straddle my DP. His face was a picture - pure fear. I was not angry with him, I could tell it was unsolicited and unwanted. If it had been reported to me later in the day I would have believed his version of events because fidelity was never an issue in our relationship and I never had even a smidgeon of doubt about him. I doubted him in other ways and we split up eventually, but I never doubted him in that way.

All that said, four or five seconds is an absolute age for an apparently unwanted kiss, alcohol or not. And if you're angry and scared about it, there is probably good reason for that and your subconscious is trying to tell you something. His lack of reassurance is very worrying.

If you find yourself being tied up in knots about this, you might want to stop analysing and react instinctively. Sometimes that's more beneficial. Best of luck.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 23:34

Would not attending work functions create more gossip than getting off with some young lovely in front of everyone ?

That's a good one Hmm

Snugglepiggy · 31/07/2013 08:11

I hate to sound cynical but I doubt very much he has been completely oblivious and unaware this woman- not girl- has a bit of a thing for him and whilst not actively winding it up- maybe- has probably been quietly enjoying the flattery.Who wouldn't?
If its just a bit of work place banter fine.If it's progressing to more serious flirting in my book that's massively disrespectful.But I come from the jaded position of having a situation develop between my DH and a younger woman he met through work that ended up as an affair of sorts ie. sexual talk and lots of texting.Witnesses told me after she always had a thing for him and they had commented to each other how much she flirted with him.He didn't do the right thing by me by stopping it in the early stages and it almost cost us out marriage.
Agree with other posters who say he should take your anger seriously,and should give a clear message to this woman no more inappropriate behaviour.And he should avoid situations with too much alcohol .Don't let him make you feel the one to blame for this upset between you.Hope it's sorted soon.

Original poster
rek999 · 31/07/2013 22:45

Thank you all. Tonight I exploded and I think he is starting to get the message. I mentioned how he'd likely feel if the roles were reversed which I think struck a nerve. We'll see...

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