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Original poster

Best way to introduce OW to kids

22 replies

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 00:45

Brief background: 'D'H dropped bombshell in Feb that he wasn't happy, turned out he's having EA with woman from work. He left in early April. I cried every day for a whole month but with help from friends, counselling, running and lots of willpower, I finally feel I'm firmly in 'recovery' mode. Am also leaving next week to bring DCs to see my family for 5 weeks. They are 5 and 3 by the way.

I know he has been seeing her since he left. But twunt has just emailed to ask about the DCs meeting her. I've already made it clear she will not meet them till it's serious and he obviously thinks 4 months is enough time! Putting my feelings aside, I will be meeting her when we come back from holiday.

I'm thinking it will have to be somewhere neutral like a cafe/pub. What about the DCs? I am guessing having them meet her at his is not a good idea? Their first meeting should b somewhere neutral, at a park or somewhere?

This is all new territory to me. I so badly want to do this right by my boys. It's all so early but twunt can't see it. what do I say or do? My mind is reeling... Thanks all. Can see a sleepless night ahead.

OP posts:

tittytittyhanghang · 27/07/2013 00:50

Can you really do anything? When you exdp has the children it is up to him who he introduces them to and in what circumstances surely.

usualsuspect · 27/07/2013 00:59

Of course you feel apprehensive about your children meeting the OW.

You don't have to.meet her if you don't want too.

I do wonder why some posters think it's so bloody easy to let another woman into your children's lives.

IF you think your children can handle and are ready to meet her then yes,neutral ground is probably for the best.

Good luck,it must be bloody hard for you.

Original poster

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 01:00

I realise that I have no control but he is as interested in doing the right thing by the children. I guess putting that aside, I imagine my first meeting with her will be awkward, what should we be talking about? What can u say to get about the children? I just don't know what's a good or bad idea anymore... Just wanted to see of there are any suggestions from people who have been there and done that!

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 27/07/2013 01:02

Do you want to to meet her?

Personally I wouldn't want go anywhere near her.

Original poster

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 01:03

Thanks usualsuspects for acknowledging how hard this is for me. It brought a tear to my eye, I'm sitting here crying. Had a session with my therapist today and I was doing so well but the idea of having someone else mothering them makes me so sad... Am trying so hard to be positive that at the end of the day, it's more people to love them but right now, I just feel pain.

OP posts:

Original poster

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 01:04

I thought it would be the 'right' thing to do but maybe not..,

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 27/07/2013 01:07

If you think.It's the right thing to do then go ahead.

But if it's going to bring you more pain then let your ex handle the first meeting.

Walkacrossthesand · 27/07/2013 02:07

It sounds like it's too early and painful for you to meet her. Better that they meet her during contact time with their dad and you keep out of it - you have no reason to be involved, I don't imagine you spend 'friendly time' with your ex and he's probably seeking to 'validate' his new relationship by harbouring a notion that you and his GF will 'be friends'. Why should you? And she will be no more than 'dads GF' to them - they already have a mother. Make sure he prepares them for the meeting, and that they 'know that you know'. It's not easy but it has to be done. Plenty of time for you to clap eyes on her later, at a pickup or dropoff, once the DCs have met her. How does that sound?

Overtheraenbow · 27/07/2013 07:37

I agree with walk you don't have to meet her she is nothing to do with you.
Let him organise the meeting and explain it to the children . They are young and will not really understand.
If you try to stop it he may do what my ex did and they will all ' bump into each other' accidently ( this after the children told him they didn't want to meet her - mine older )
I will not forgive him for forcing this issue on them.
This week they met her officially at his as hes hit them for a week soon and as she's living there well it makes life easier for him I suppose.
I totally understand how you feel about someone else looking after your children but I console myself with my daughters comment when I talked to her about it " she's just some random woman of dads"
Plan to do something when they do go to meet her, don't be alone x

Overtheraenbow · 27/07/2013 07:38

" he has them for a week" not he hit them :o

Original poster

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 09:33

Thanks all. I feel calmer this morning. I have emailed ex-H to let him know how I feel. Which is I will decide if I feel up to meeting her in September (after my holiday with the boys). That if he wants the boys to meet her, he will have to think about the best way to do it in the time we are away but stressing that it is early days and it is important the kids do not feel 'usurped'.

You are all right, I have to stop trying to control everything, that's the hardest part isn't it? That there's a part of my kids' lives now I know nothing about and I cannot control. I will get through this...

OP posts:

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 27/07/2013 10:54

I would have thought it quite unusual for you to meet her in these circumstances. It sounds like you can trust him to deal with it and consider the DCs feelings, so it would probably be best for you to leave it to him.

chocoreturns · 27/07/2013 11:03

Well, I decided to meet the OW when she started seeing my boys - for the same reasons as you, to 'do the right thing'. And the only thing that I can say about it was that however you imagine it going, it will be different. And however calm and rational you want to be, you may find you can't be in practice. It's unbelievably raw, visceral and painful to come face to face with the woman your partner has chosen to leave you for. I was completely unprepared for the level of my hurt and anger when I saw her. Coupled with her being unexpectedly rude to me, and well, it was a bit of a disaster.

She is still in their lives and I suppose she probably considers herself their step mum now. Which is something I will never be able to say outloud without a residual level of feeling sick (and believe me, I'm actually very happy and reasonable and glad she's nice to them etc etc - I don't spend my life locked away in a bitter resentful room of hate!). It's just not that easy to be 'ok' with this kind of shift in your family make-up. Even when you really, desperately want to be and are willing to do everythng you possibly can to make that happen.

Be kind to yourself - lower your expectations. Your kids will be ok and you will get through this, but you don't have to be nice, or welcoming or perfect, of dignified or anything else you might be thinking about being. You just have to be.

It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok yet, then it's just not the end. x

Hobnobgoblin · 27/07/2013 13:04

I can add my two cents worth here as I'm a mum and stepmum.
Ex met girlfriend, stbw, about 4 years after our divorce and I didn't meet her for another 4 years. However, I did get a bit of feedback from ds that she was nice, played with him and seemed a friendly sort of person. I was happy with that, wanted ex to get on with own life. When I did meet her I was fine about it, she and dh and more importantly ds were so relieved I liked her! Ds still thanks me for not being a bitch about her.

Met my dp and introduced him to ds on same day , moved in together pretty soon and and we're married a year later.
Met my dsc about 2 months after meeting dh, they were angry at being kept in the dark for so long (had not met previous girlfriend of 4 months!).
Their mum was the ex from hell, please do not go there, no matter how bad you feel let down, it kills the children to be so torn in their loyalties, they'd probably lie to you anyway if they like her and want to keep you happy...
I wish you all the best and like others have said, keep yourself occupied, treat yourself, meet friends for a good moan (or is that only me?)...

Notafixer · 27/07/2013 13:14

I can't understand why you want/need to meet here? Maybe it makes sense if you're dropping off kids etc, but this sounds like a proper interview? Why? If you want to 'vet' here before she meets the kids then frankly your ex has already done the vetting.

I understand why some many ex wives hate the idea of the OW meeting their kids but it will happen, you can't really stop it and all this angst just flows onto the kids as guilt if they have a good time etc.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2013 13:43

My children, normally confident, were shaking like leaves when they went off to meet the OW.

One thing I'd read in a novel was a woman who ran up to the OW and hugged her and said over and over again, "Thank you! Thank you!" I wish I'd done that!

Ezio · 27/07/2013 14:45

I wish i said to the OW, "Thanks for taking him, hes shit in bed" never mind its been 4 years, im glad he aint mine no more.

OP, remember, your their mother, there will be the normally techniques of trying to buy your boys, but it'll be empty, they know where their love comes from.

tittytittyhanghang · 27/07/2013 14:55

there will be the normally techniques of trying to buy your boys, but it'll be empty,

Generalisations much? But I guess just the usual typical shite that step mothers (or new partners) are subjected to on mn.

Ezio · 27/07/2013 14:58

Sorry should have said might be, didnt mean to offend.

Ezio · 27/07/2013 15:00

Also i like to point out Titty, its normally the fathers who use the techniques, my ex did, nothing against new partners or step parents.

BerkshireMum · 27/07/2013 16:15

This must be so horrible to figure out OP, on top of all the other awful stuff. You are obviously right to do what will be best for your DC and it is much better when exH is also doing that - within the context of a shitty situation of his making.

Whether you actually meet her or not is up to you. I have a friend who had a very similar situation. It took 18 months for her to meet OW, but she and exH talked openly around what would be best for their DC whilst acknowledging how they spend their time with him is up to him IFSWIM.

I think you need to be clear about how all possible questions will be answered in an age appropriate way so you can be consistent. The most important message is that mummy and daddy love you both very much but we don't love each other anymore. Daddy (and one day mummy) might have other friends - children understand friendships, and falling out with best friends - but none of that will ever stop us both living you and being your mummy and daddy.

Original poster

angel1976 · 27/07/2013 22:27

Thank you all SO SO much, been out all day today and came back to read your very insightful replies.

I am not bitter, honestly am not. I feel I am in a much better place today and will be going forward as ExH is and always will be a selfish prat and though I hate to admit it, I am very happy in myself right now. (P.S. I have had a lot of help from my friends, a life coach and also now a therapist so not done it all myself!) I have been able to do more for myself, no longer have to run and serve manchild ExH and just enjoy being with my boys and not having to control them and get them to behave to ExH's expectations.

But I just want to do the best for my boys. I think I have said what I needed to say in my email to ExH today. By the time we arrive back in the UK, it will be six weeks from now and I hope he has had enough time to think about things. I think I do tend to agree with those of you who say I do NOT have to meet the OW right now if I am not ready. I won't put myself under the pressure to act the 'dignified' ex-wife. And if he decides by then, he wants OW to meet and spend time with DH, he has to manage that and we will need to agree to put out a similar message to what BerkshireMum suggested.

Thank you all for sharing your insights, it's much appreciated and has made me make my peace somewhat!

OP posts:

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