Looking a gift horse in the mouth?

[clare1279]

I have been with a great guy for 10 years (no kids or marriage) and I'm hoping those of you with some experience of relationships/kids can help me with a dilemma.

I'm 33 and feel unsure if my relationship is going anywhere. I am with a great guy, fab cook, well house trained, really thoughtful and generous but I have had a nagging doubt for a long time. I think that some difficult times have led us to be sort of co-dependent house mates with very little sex, limited communication on the important long term issues/plans in life and ultimately no real spark. Our friends, who we don't see day to day as they live far way, always say we get on so well and have fun together but I feel as though the reality is quite flat.

We've come to a crossroads with the end of a house lease coinciding with me getting a new job over an hour away. I've plucked up the courage to say I'm not sure how I feel and don't think it is fair to have him move house to this new location when I'm not sure.

I guess I am asking if you think I am expecting too much? Relationships need work and in the past ŷear I've been depressed and lazy which is far from sexy so what do I expect? I think that the sex thing is a big deal though? We don't have the pressures of kids, mortgage etc etc so things will surely only get more difficult if we decide to commit properly and take on those things? When is it the match rather than the circumstances that you should make the decision on whether to stay or go? I worry I've been moving the deck chairs on the Titanic for too long, time is running out for me and I need to at least try to see if there is something more than platonic out there.....? Or is a relationship based on friendship and generosity the best basis for bringing up kids, making a home as sex etc dwindles anyway?

Any thoughts are very much appreciated - thank you

Xxx

Well you need to have a conversation about a lot of serious things for sure. You don't need to know the answers before you have the conversation, you just need to know what questions you need answered.

Maybe the move will be the kick up the ass the relationship needs. A chance to refocus on yourselves and a chanve to either get excited about a future together or excited about a new future apart. Are kids and a mortgage something he would be interested in? Becsuse trying for kids is sex with a purpose (and often brings couples closer together). Sure the finances and kids bring stress and strain to a relationship, but if its something you both want, its worthwhile.

If in the course of events, you decide you want to roll the dice on a new relationship, don't waste any more of your time or his. Take the career move as your chance to make an entire new life for yourself.

Good luck witj whatever you decide is best for you.

I think what you're describing sounds like a 'sleepwalking' relationship. There's nothing dramatic enough to split you up so you keep plodding on another year... until a whole decade has gone by without you noticing and all you really are is flatmates. Relationships do not 'need work'... everyone adjusts and accommodates in a relationship and should not take each other for granted, but when actual 'work' is involved in staying together, then it's just a bad relationship

Yes, sex is an issue. The reason why it's an issue is because there will be someone out there who one day makes you feel all the things you're not feeling with this - admittedly nice and companionable - man and then you will feel even more dissatisfied that you settled.

I think, once you're at the stage of 'I'm not sure how I feel', it is unfair to carry on.

Thank you for you responses. Mixxy, he has said that he wants to make plans for the future, to buy a house, get married, have kids and that our lack of planning for the future is why we feel so dissatisfied with life. I'm terrible at making decisions so I'm finding it hard to know whether this is wrong for me or I'm just terrified of making a decision that might not work out.

I think I have the opposite problem of a lot of people on here in that he has said it is MY lack of effort at home (being tidy, on time and organised) which makes him not want to have sex or be affectionate. I can see that I could solve that problem but it feels as though his idea of 'working as a team' is me doing what he wants and when. He doesn't want to accept that I'm not super tidy or bounce out of bed early at the weekend - I feel a bit like I can't be me. Or is that just me being selfish and childish, after all relationships are about compromise? Despite having said that sometimes I feel he is the only good thing about me - I suffer with low self esteem. The lack of sex does nothing to improve this.

I feel like I have what so many people are looking for so I would be stupid to throw it away? Also what hope is here for me to find someone else, get married and/ or have kids before it is too late, I'm 34 this year.....

Are you really like that or is he making you feel like you are not good enough.

I think deep down you know he's not right for you and that's why you can't commit.

In a good relationship you both should feel good about yourselves. Not inadequate.

I'm not sure really, I've always struggled with self esteem and being good enough. I have been sad and lazy this past year in particular, paralysed by stress and anxiety at work and feeling that I am no good. He always takes the initiative on what to do, where to go whereas I agonise and then do nothing/ miss out. This drives him mad, and I can understand.

I feel bad at the moment as I am not dealing with this properly. Last week I said I didn't know how I felt, he said so you want to stop? I said I'm not sure, that I love him and don't want to make him unhappy and that as I always seem to hold back it is not fair on him. He has been away this weekend staying with his sister, he came back yesterday morning but I spent the day cleaning and sorting out my stuff rather than sitting down and talking to him. He says there's actually nothing to say now as I seem to have made a decision.

I feel sick and scared and lost. We're both here in the house being civil to each other just keeping out of each others' way. Should I leave and stay I a hotel?

If he is critical now then just imagine how critical he will be once children come along.

I think that you should leave.

" I feel a bit like I can't be me."

The person to settle down with is the one that loves you as you are.... warts and all. I think, if he's offering plans for the future and you've turned it down so far, he's right to think it's over.

You can't be that unmotivated if you've landed a new job in this economy, can you? Well done on that.

If your budget would allow, would a housekeeper in once a week make a difference for him?