Support for those affected by gambling (and a long overdue update)

[picnicfantasic]

Sorry this is so long - just skip to the last para and bullet points if you want to get to the point!!!

So. I am a long time lurker and very occasional poster. A few years ago I posted in this section under the title "DH has spent £25k partying - help" or similar (sorry no idea how to do links).

I got some great advice. Brief premise was that he was working in London in creative role and had got carried away socialising and apparently taking coke and drinking to the tune of £25k. We talked, yadda yadda, thought it was sorted, I organised a debt repayment plan for us, I put the whole thing behind me as a perfect storm created by a whole load of things which we could look at changing.

Anyway, about a year down the line. Turns out ANOTHER approx £20k has been run up in debts. I had totally no idea as socialising had been drastically reduced and I thought things were much better. This time the truth emerges. DH has a long standing gambling addiction. Attends gamcare (him 5 months, me 2 months for support for partners), sort out plan to pay off debts (his half of equity of our house sale), we move into rented and I decide that now the truth is out, gamcare will sort it out and we will be OK. My gamcare councellor talks to me a lot about enabling but I don't really get it. I put the whole thing behind me and move on.

This brings us on another year, up to about a month ago. Despite 5 months at gamcare, self exclusion from various betting shops, me controlling all "pocket" money for dh and family accounts and therefore thinking all is hunky dory, it turns out he has run up a THIRD lot of £20k debt. Gambling.

So we are now getting divorced and I have finally worked out what the councellor was talking about re enabling.

I'm not totally sure the reason why I am offloading all of this except that I have noticed a real run of relationship posts where gambling is the root of the problem. I now feel in the unhappy position of an expert on the subject of being a partner of someone with a gambling addiction, so I just wanted to put out my ten pence worth in case it helps someone else.

• WHATEVER you are doing to try and stop the other person gambling, it won't work. If they want to gamble they will get credit from somewhere and will do so.

• Gambling will turn your partner into a liar. This in turn will erode your trust in them, however great they are in other aspects of life / marriage. You will never be able to trust them again. This will most likely be the end of your relationship, whether you chose to stay in it or not.

• If I knew that my dh was a gambler (and believe me, he kept it WELL hidden) I would never ever have married him. Gambling is a one way road to the gutter.

• A gambler will prioritise gambling over you, your children, your house, your holidays, food on the table, days out, everything. However most likely they will manage to justify this in some way so until you see the light it is difficult to challenge this as the direct truth it is.

• If you find out your partner is a gambler, run. Or at the very least do every single thing you can to protect yourself, your home and any children you may have. Love yourself and your children. Your partner may also love you all, but he loves gambling more.

With love and support to all those affected. I can honestly say that despite the end of a nearly 15 year relationship, I finally feel that I will have some peace from the stress and worry the gambling (and behaviour that was due to gambling but I didn't realise the link as I didn't know about the gambling!) has caused me.

We had a joint account until last week. We opened it for transparency, to stop the gambling. It didn't work. (The transparency worked, but he eventually gambled again - this time in shops, not with cards over the Internet. I could see he had drawn out £20 plus £20 plus £50 in the same day...).
I can't say what is foolish, or good, or bad - we're at the start here, really. But listening to what others have said about the gambler having to take control, and also because I need to safeguard my assets, and to distance myself from the gambling, I decided that separate accounts was the way to go.
If he does it again. He ruins himself. I wash my hands. End.
I listened to

Hi KareninsGirl and Stilleto, sorry I haven't been back to this thread either.

Sounds like you are both moving ahead OK and interesting how you are both approaching it from different ways.

Re the separate bank accounts, my personal opinion is that totally separate is the only way to go, even if you have a "household" account to pay bills etc which you both pay into. Otherwise if your dh does have a mega blip and your accounts are joint, you might find out that creditors are able to access the account and withdraw money from it.

Not to bang on about enabling but it is not your job to be checking bank accounts. I TOTALLY understand how at the time it feels better to have some sort of control but it only now I am out the other side of it that I can see that this is totally not normal and it made no difference at all to whether or not dh was going to gamble. If anything, it just drove it further underground.

Interestingly, now we are separated and getting divorced I am totally astonished how dh has suddenly been able to get himself sorted, talk to creditors, sort out repayments etc etc etc. It makes me realise how much I was infantalising him by trying to control his problems. It has been a real eye opener for me to see how I had normalised the way that I was reacting to the problems he had caused.

It's great that you both have taken steps to disengage and seem to be feeling strong on the one last chance bit and I really really hope your dh's manage to turn it around for you.

Thanks picnic. This thread and the one I started shortly before, have been so helpful in getting me to this more healthy (?) place. I really appreciate all the advice and opinions that have been shared. They have provided me with everything that I need to move forward.
I'll keep updating and checking in. Good luck everyone.

Hello again,
Well H has moved out, I could not take it any more. He did not contact the counsellor and I'm really struggling with how the deceit of his spending has made me feel, I'm not sure this is going to be a permanent arrangement and we are still on good terms but at the very least I need some space.
Hoping you are all ok x

Picnic I had a relationship at uni with a gambler and your bullet points are so true!

I only lost £1500 (my student loan) to him promising he would sort himself out, now would be the last time. It was so sad, I realised I couldn't help him and got out. His family were wealthy enough to bail him out whenever it got really bad but were in complete denail of what he really was and so enabled him.

I've often wondered if he got the help he needed but I doubt it. Gambling devastates lives and like most legalised problems society turns a blind eye.