Suddenly unsure about male friend staying over.

[Illustrated]

I've been friends with this man for about 10 years. We met when we were teenagers and have supported each other through some tough times, always just as friends. I moved away 3 years ago so haven't seen him since, we do keep in regular contact though.

I'm now in the position to have guests stay over and we've spoken about him coming to stay next week to catch up and meet my daughter.

This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm newly single but I have made it clear to him that I'm not interested in starting a relationship with anyone or even thinking about it. I've been single whilst I've known him before and he's never tried it on although years ago he did admit that he thought he loved me in the past. Again I told him I only thought of him as a friend and he said he didn't have feelings for me any more.

He has aspergers and although I don't know much about it I do know he can get quite obsessive about certain things and people. Since I mentioned him staying he's been wanting to talk everyday for long periods of time, said he wants to spoil me when he sees me and when I have needed to stop the conversation to do other things he's been really upset because he doesn't want me to go. Even when we are talking he will be asking when we can talk next.

I would feel really bad cancelling but I'm starting to feel quite uncomfortable.

What do you think?

I would follow your instincts. Cancel, or invite someone else to stay over too if that's possible.

Yes, follow your instincts. Tell him you're not well and that you'll rearrange some other time. Then cut down on phone calls. Tell him when you answer that you will only be able to talk for 5-10mins max so he knows from the start.

I'm never going to be able to have him round am I? I really value his friendship but it cant be doing him any good if he does have feeling for me after all. Maybe I'm over-thinking it and he's just being nice? I don't know

What are you worried will happen?

You have already told him you don't want a relationship a) with him and b) with anyone at the moment.

Do you think he will struggle to accept that?

I'm worried he will get the wrong idea again, he has in the past, even when I've been in relationships. The way he's behaving now with certain comments and wanting to constantly talk all day is making me feel like its heading that way again.

He's not used to any women in his life being nice to him, when one is he goes a bit overboard.

Cancel and arrange something during the daytime, where you and your daughter can meet up with him in a public, neutral place.

Yes, cancel. It sounds like it will be a hideous week for you. Invent a contagious illness if you need a short-term excuse; longer term you'll have to tread very carefully. Is there a mutual friend you could enlist to help?

I'm not really able to do that now I live so far away, its a long journey.

I think I will have to go with inventing an illness. We don't have any mutual friends that we still both keep in contact with any more unfortunately.

So do you think from my description that it sounds like he's hoping to be more than friends?

Since I mentioned him staying he's been wanting to talk everyday for long periods of time, said he wants to spoil me when he sees me and when I have needed to stop the conversation to do other things he's been really upset because he doesn't want me to go. Even when we are talking he will be asking when we can talk next.

This would freak me out. I would definately cool the contact with someone who did this to me.

I'm quite happy to have a relaxed life with me and DS without drama in it. (been there, done that).

I feel irritated and patronised when (single, platonic) male friends (I'm thinking of one in particular) act like I'm a weak female who needs 'rest' and 'spoiling' - I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself, thanks! In your shoes now I'd be nervous of having him sleep over without another adult in the house, as there's a risk that he has built things up in his head. How old is your daughter - could you manufacture a reason why she has to sleep in your room while he's there, to make it quite clear that the spare room is where he is? Or maybe it's easiest just to cancel...

In your room with you I mean, of course...

Be honest in a really kind way; say he's being too intense and it's making you feel uncomfortable, and you don't want him misinterpreting your friendship in any way... But in your words, obviously :)

I've been in a similar situation with a very, very similar friend in the past.

To me, this talk about spoiling you would actually be a red flag. What he is saying is that he wants to take charge of you.

Totally agree you should follow your instincts, they're there for a reason!

Or you could just NOT cancel and go ahead have some intense weirdo you are unsure about, who has been weirdly obsessive about you and misinterpreted signals in the past, to stay in your house along with your daughter.

Why do so many women get themselves into these stupid pickles through niceness, again and again?

If he's been like that for a while, even when you've been with other people then it sounds a bit like you've been stringing him along.