I have ^maybe^ decided to tell dm about historical sexual abuse.

[thepixiefrog]

Hello, this is long!

I think I might tell DM about sexual abuse by family friend when I was about 3. She has no idea AFAIK, and I have been remembering things for about 18 months so she has probably been wondering what the hell has been up with me for the last year or so. I have been severely depressed at times and it's been really obvious.

The complication is that she is a bit toxic. She has no concept of boundaries I.e, will turn up at mine unannounced several times a week without giving a thought as to whether I actually want company or not. She is passive aggressive and sulks quite a bit, but will not address anything directly. She also hates if I have a different opinion/approach than her about anything, she takes it as a personal insult/rejection.

Basically she sees me as an extension of herself, has no respect for anyone as she has none for herself, and is very messed up due to her own childhood. I have no doubt, however, that she loves me.

I want to tell her about historical stuff just so I don't feel the weight of the secret anymore. It's exhausting. Also, I want her to stop dropping in all the time as I find it intrusive. My plan is to tell her to phone first so I can say 'yay' or 'nay' to a visit, especially if I'm having a grieving day.

I want dsis there to be mediator. If she reacts badly there will be someone who knows about it to calm things down. I'm prepared for initial shock/denial/minimising etc. If she does this I'm happy to reduce contact to a minimum for the foreseeable future. If she is supportive then that's a happy bonus.

Any advice?

Why did my italics not work?

Poor you. How horrible.

Seems you actually have two different issues here? I'm not at all sure that telling her will help with her toxic behaviour. Could actually make it worse if she ends up feeling guilty and distraught.

Of course you shouldn't be carrying this vile secret around but I suggest appropriate counselling and taking it from there. If you have been badly depressed could you start by confiding in your GP?

Maybe eventually you will tell her, but get it all out with an experienced third party first. Remember, once you tell her there's no going back.

Really hope you get help soon.x

Forgot to say I have a therapist already and I really great support system (friends/dh/dsis)

Matilda, I am fully aware that she may be horribly toxic when I tell her. I am almost hoping for it as it will give me a solid irrefutable reason to cut/reduce contact and get on with my life without her rubbish. If she surprises me and is supportive
then I will have the benefit of ridding myself of this secret ( the burden is huge) and still be able to demand space but in less hostile circumstances.

So sorry this happened to you.

I think a mediator is a good idea. Why not tell her with your therapist? That way if she reacts badly she can help.

Italics and bold don't work in titles I don't think

I think she may feel threatened by being called to the therapists office, she is very uncomfortable about me being in therapy as she sees them all as people who 'just blame the parents'. I'll speak to my therapist though and ask if they have any experience of doing that with other patients and how it has worked/not worked.

Thanks for your reply.

Right! I'm going to do it today at dsis house, so I can leave at any point if it all gets too much. I feel shaky and sick and have the runs!

Could I request some positive vibes from you lovely wise people aimed in my direction please? I need some courage!

Good luck. You're very brave, and just do what you're comfortable with. Glad you've got some support.

And consider positive vibes sent!

Thank you nobeer! You have cheered me up!

Thinking of you x

I've done it!

It only took 5 or 10 mins. She didn't say much at all, just that she was sorry and gave me a big hug. Then she went very quiet and looked rather stunned. I asked if she was OK, she said 'no' and went quiet again. I told her I needed to disappear and that I would see her later. According to dsis she spent the rest of the afternoon putting up a stair gate at dsis house and didn't speak about it again.

She probably won't bring it up ever again, at least not with me. She takes a while to emotionally absorb things, or she represses it.

It all seems like I made a lot of fuss about nothing! I got myself all revved up for a long emotionally fraught discussion, with the possibility of me casting her aside forever and that is not what happened at all (thankfully).

Feeling a little numb now so going to watch Madagascar 3 with ds2 and eat lots of bad things.

Well done. That took a lot of courage, I'm sure. Maybe she will digest it and want to discuss further in the future, maybe not x