It's over, isn't it?

[lawner]

DH and I have been together for ten years. We have one DD who is six years old (about to go into year 2 at school). Sorry, this is going to be a long one...

I've been miserable in the relationship for years now. When I was pregnant I found out he'd repeatedly cheated on me, with the same person. He'd lied a lot. I've not trusted him properly since. I suspect he's 'been after' another woman recently.

I'm foreign (don't want to mention country in case I out myself. We met though work) but came over here to be with him. I don't particularly miss home, but he never seems to appreciate what I gave up and had to organise (friends, family, sell home, find new job in new country, new cultures etc) in order to make it work with him. I mention it every now and then when he complains that I didn't bring much money over with me (my little flat wasn't worth much). Earlier this week he said I wouldn't have a home if it wasn't for him, which isn't true at all as I've always worked and had a home. My salary helps pay for our mortgage, living costs etc. He decided that he wanted to stay in the UK where living costs more than my home country, but I went for it anyway.

When we met I fell head over heels, and he seemed to too. If we were apart we really pined for each other.

Nowadays we seem to resent each others' presence. Little things, but it's everything. For example, if I have to call him about something, he asks what I want, rather than how I am. I don't call him when he's at his office - this is just if he's out somewhere. He seems to resent my work and I can't work out why. The hostility is lead by him. I'm often confused by it, but now I'm just shattered.

At home, if I tidy-up, he complains that he can't find anything. In fact he rants and raves and slams the doors; drives off etc. He always undermines me in front of DD and is useless at discipling, in my opinion. He never tells me he loves me, even if I say it to him first. I'm tired of trying to make it work. It all makes me cry a lot and gives me pains in my stomach and chest.

I feel like I'm in his way, but he doesn't seem to have any ambitions. I've tried to encourage him in hobbies and things, but he seems to blame me for his lack of excitement in life. I can't cope with that sort of responsibility any more.

It's over, isn't it?

P.S. Apologies for any poor phrasing - English isn't my first language.

Oh dear, it sounds grim. DO you love him, by the way? Is there anything worth fighting for?
And if not, are you in any sort of position to start making plans to start afresh?

He doesn't sound nice at all. I wouldn't want to live with him.

I think you'd be much happier without him, don't you? He doesn't seem to have any respect or affection for you.

Yes, I think I do love him, although I'm not sure I can relate to him at all anymore. I'm sure he doesn't love me, or even like me.

I'm not sure how to start afresh. I don't have a lot of money and I'm worried about the effect on DD, but I suppose I'm going to have to make plans.

I posted because I wanted to get my thoughts in order and also check that this wasn't normal and that all relationships are like this really. I didn't think they were. I'm certainly starting to feel very stressed and ill. Sometimes I find it difficult to face the day.

Yes, I suppose I'd be happier without him. I'd be lonely though, but that's life.

Sorry, I didn't meant that to be so self-pitying, what I mean is that I'd deal with the lonliness. No, I don't think he has any affection for me. It's such a shame because he used to love me so much. I saved old emails from him and wish things were like that still.

Is it very difficult to be alone with a child? I wonder if the stress of cost of living and lonliness would be worse than living with DH.

Have you been online to see what you're entitled to? Just Google "Entitled to" and fill in the questionnaire to see what your financial situation would be like.

It's far, far easier to live with a child than it is to live with a man who doesn't like you. I think you'll be very surprised at what a relief it is not to live with him.

There's loneliness as in you don't know many people, which you can try to sort out and there's the loneliness you get from living with someone who doesn't connect to you. In the first type, you can get out and about, go to mother and toddler groups, and meet new friends. The second type is soul destroying.

Thank you for that. I'll have a look online now.

The other thing to mention is that I've noticed that DD talks to me badly, copying her daddy. They're out together now and I called to ask what they'd like for tea tonight. He gave her he phone and she said "What do you want?" in an annoyed voice. This makes me feel sick. I feel like my stomach's twisting. Pains in my back too. I wish things were happy and loving.

He cheated on you repeatedly when you were pregnant and you now think he's after another woman - why do you even want to stay with him???

I really feel for you, he sounds a shit of a man.

I'd like to go back home, so that I don't need to apply for any benefits, but the UK is DD's home and she needs her daddy too.

I don't know why I would want to stay with him. Any friend in the same situation and I'd be puzzled. I know it's ridiculous.

If you put the effort in, you and your daughter can remain here, it's really up to you if you are serious about it - I think you may find there are much nicer men out there, your OH holds you in contempt, set him free and let him pursue who he likes, you are far too good for him.

I'm sorry you're living in such conditions but it was over six/seven years ago when he repeatedly cheated while you were pregnant. Taking him back was a massive mistake because everything after that has been a pantomime of resentment, mistrust and contempt.... he despises you but he keeps you close just to make you miserable. You've spent six years 'wishing' things were better, and more wishing won't get you anywhere. Do take some legal advice and get some practical information on what it would actually mean to separate.

Most recently it's the idea that I wouldn't have a home if it wasn't for him that's really worried me. I earned more, relatively speaking, in my home country than he does here. I just didn't bring much with me because I didn't have much, although lived well over there. I earn now, but my hours are reduced so that I can pick DD up from school. He was happy with that situation but now resents it. I would have a home if it wasn't for him. He makes me feel like a loser, but I do know that I've always worked hard (I have a degree and a job), so this makes me angry.

I split from exP at Xmas.

We have 2 DC and my 'homeland' is not the UK - though I am very settled here. I do feel now that I have to stay in UK now which is hard - as a LP I'd like my family around now more than I have done in the past.

It isn't difficult to live alone with a child at all - it's great. It's not perfect but what is? It sure the hell beats living with someone who is horrible to you and who gives you stomach pains and who is teaching your DD to disrespect you.

Ignore what he says to you, it's verbal abuse, you don't need him to justify your existence. Start looking into a plan.

I'm not too good for him really because he's more outgoing and confident than me. He's also a very good friend to lots of people. I definitely would never, ever cheat on him though. I think he just doesn't want me and I need to be the one to say, ok, let's stop this. I need to move on and stop making myself feel so ill.

Sorry, I did mean to say thank you for your encouraging posts. It's very kind of you.

You are not a loser - you are ground down from living in depressing conditions for so long.

Take your anger, get some legal advice and use these tools to create something positive and wonderful for you and your DD's future.

Yes, I'll put the effort in. I'm very determined to give DD the best life that I can. I'm very proud of her and need her to have a loving family, even if it's split over two different houses. Thanks again everyone.

Stop focusing on HIM - it is not about HIM any more.
Focus on yourself.
Get a plan.
Get moving.
You can do this.

And when she comes home to you today, tackle her about the way she spoke to you on the phone.

I honestly think it is irrelevant whether you love him or not. He clearly doesn't even like you never mind love or respect you.

Yes, your relationship is over in terms of you thinking you had a loving and strong marriage.

He is setting a terrible example to your daughter and to not let her think she should be someone's doormat you really need to take steps to get away from him and build a decent life with her away from him.

BeCool - if moving back would help you be a better mum, and a happier person, then move! Kids are remarkable resilient and adaptable.