Sorry if this is a bit long. We have two small kids. My DH is from a local area and my mum followed me from overseas to stay with us to help looking after our kids while I work 4days a wk. My mum loves it and is delighted she has an opportunity to be around. Before my mum retired and before I had my 2nd child MIL helped 1 day a week while DS was in the nursery. I admint we pushed her into it as the idea never came from her. She always tells you to ask her for help, but when you do, 4 out of 5 times she is busy and whatever that is comes before us, so I stopped asking. I want to respect everyone's wishes and choices, but also avoid being disappointed. Also it is important to say that before the grandchildren were born MIL literally ?ruled? the family. We didn?t hit it off great at the beginning. She has a very high opinion of herself and is not used to the fact that someone may disagree with her. She has her expectations how certain things in their family should still be done and followed in spite of ?her boys? having their own families. There is no room and no interest for embracing anything new or different. I have never heard her to apologize for anything either. After my 2nd child I cut down on her visits in our house and I?m not so keen on visiting her myself. I do not stop my DH visiting her with the kids. My DH agreed to this and says he understands why. He says he is unhappy, but only because he knows I?m unhappy. I know she?s upset and feels pushed away, but only because she can?t understand why I?m not doing everything like I did until now. She thinks I?m just being temporarily difficult and I in spite of everything I feel my DH thinks that too. No one else in the family ever stood up to her. So I look like a bad guy. My mum does a fantastic job, at times I think better than I would. 
Of course she also isn?t impressed with my MIL to drop in only when it suits my MIL while my mum looks after the kids all day long. I would like to find a nice golden middle path, but I know his mum won?t make any compromises. It doesn?t help that she never took any interest in my mum as a person whatsoever and they have no relationship. I can?t see them two ever find a way to each other now. Yet what hurts me most is that my DH always finds excuses for her behaviour. But on the other hand is happy to accept everything from my mum, simply because she wants to do it. I don?t want my DH to love my mum more than his because she?s helping us. I would just like him to see his own in a real light. It would immediately take all the pressure off. But I feel the more he protects her, the more I resent her and that I am starting resenting him too.