Emotional abuse and escaping or not?

[Dearjackie]

I have posted other threads on here about the same issue. I now know it to be EA from my partner. I have had excellent advice and am now working my way through the Lundy Bancroft book which is quite scary how like some of the descriptions in there DP is.

My question now I suppose is is it normal to take so long to split with someone,? even if you know it will more than likely be what happens in the end. I feel as though I'm working my way through a process of realisation and trying to arrive at a point where I know without doubt its the best thing to do.

There still seems to be something that's holding me back. I think it's a combination of still feeling I love him although at times I doubt he loves me by the way he behaves and it sometimes feels he puts on an act of loving and doesn't really ' feel' it. I would also say the the relationship is good 70% of the time. Also I don't think he would let me go easily and I tend to worry about that.

I don't think there is a standard 'normal'. However, what I'd suggest to you is this. All the time you are with an emotionally abusive/controlling/manipulative person they can influence your thinking more than you can possibly imagine. I've likened it to hypnotism before now... you're under their spell. That'll be what's holding you back.

So if you wait until your head is in the right place before you exit, the danger is you'll never leave. Leave first (plan and execute this very carefully if you believe there is any risk to you) and, whilst it may be traumatic and upsetting at first, once you're out of their influence and the spell gradually wears off, you'll find it is a lot easier to think clearly.

I have just realised that even though I know he is manipulative I have fooled myself into thinking he's not actually able to manipulate me because I've realised he's doing it. Whereas in fact he does manipulate by moods and sulking especially when it comes to sex. He is moody if we don't do it every day. If I'm tired he will run round doing everything but I know it's only to get me to rest so I'm more likely to be up for sex.

Lately I have challenged his quietness if we haven't done it and he went mad, completely denying that's the reason. It got so heated once over one comment from me that even though he's normally full of praise for the sex ( which I'm also starting to think is manipulation) he said the sex was routine, always in bed ect and he knew exactly what we'd do. He even added that's why people cheat.

It seems like he's never satisfied honestly I think he gets more sex than the average man even he admits this and says he should be grateful

There you go. Realising what's going on is certainly a big chunk of the battle. The choices you have from there are to challenge the behaviour, not allow yourself to be controlled and have a miserable life with this person 'going mad' and insulting you all the time ... or... to reject it completely and LTB

He even added that's why people cheat.

It's also why people get dumped, he might think about that...

It's entirely up to you how long you take to make up your mind to leave.
But if the abuse takes the form of manipulation & a kind of brainwashing, then it's always going to be hard to leave, that's why he does it.

I don't think he would let me go easily and I tend to worry about that.

What do you worry that he might do?

Going back a year or so I found out something which I wasn't happy about I confronted he denyed then got really angry and basically ended it with me ( hoping I'd come begging) but I agreed with him and he was phoning constantly. Me , feeling numb mainly from his total over reaction to my questions told him I needed time to think. He became quite nasty at one point saying I was an ungrateful bitch after all he'd done for me. He was going to come and get his stuff when I was out ect which I wasn't happy about

I pointed out it sounded like he was threatening me and he'd shown his true colours. He totally backed down saying he'd give me space. He did however ring me quite a lot and was very loving ect. I didn't see him for 2 weeks by which time hed lost quite a lot of weight.

We gave it another go. I think I'm just concerned he might constantly contact me and I know il get called ungrateful ect. When we had the row the other day and I said its not working he said he'd given up his family and kids for me ( as in moving away) which he did

I must add I care for him and think I do love him although I'm making him sound awful

If you get back with someone as a result of threats, emotional blackmail and coercion, what you're feeling for that person is not 'love' it's 'fear'. It's the same sort of self-preservation instinct that long-term prisoners feel towards their jailers. Like these poor girls that get kidnapped and held for years by weirdos ... they spend so long being nice to their captor in an effort to get on their good side, that they end up mistaking it for affection.

I think you have to work on the basis that when you get away from him he will put pressure on you to get back.... and plan accordingly. There are ways to cut contact and to keep someone away from you, up to and including police involvement.

Do you have children?

If not I would say that it does get to a point, keep planning, have your emergency bag stashed, look at places you could go etc, for me it just got to a point where I knew I had to go and I never once looked back or had any regrets, so that helped me. I did also have real life help, though... this helps too.

You don't owe him anything. It was his choice to move away from his family and children (and anyway that doesn't equate to "giving them up"! Even if you live in Australia it's possible to conduct a long distance relationship with DCs and if he's much closer then there's no excuse at all)

If you don't have children with him then you could totally legitimately go no-contact with him after you split, and if you do, you can restrict his contact with you in certain ways so that it limits the amount he can get to you.

I know the awful feeling that you are being a mean bitch for contemplating any of this, but you have to remember that, actually, in normal circumstances you wouldn't. You wouldn't dream of treating someone like this unless they forced you to - and by the way he is behaving, it does make it necessary act in ways that you would never act normally. It doesn't make you mean, or a bitch, or ungrateful - it makes you a survivor.

It is perfectly normal to take a while before definitively leaving a manipulative partner. It's a process. However, Cogito is absolutely right that getting away and staying away is the best way to fully process what has been going on: you need to reclaim your own headspace away from his manipulation.

No, he will not let you go easily; you are far too useful to him and he sees things only in terms of his own interest. He will use the usual manipulation tactics of pleading, bargaining and threats to try to get you back into line. There is no other way out than to leave, and then to deal with whatever he throws at you. But you know what? You can cope. This is within your power to do, and you will be fine (although it will be difficult to go through at first).

If you don't have children, then you can cut contact with him completely when you leave. Change your SIM card and email addresses, resist any attempts at contact. Going cold turkey is the best and quickest way to get out from under his manipulative spell and start being your own person again.

If you do have children, there are ways to arrange contact about childcare and how to manage hand-overs so that you don't have to see him, and to have little or no contact with him - and always have it in writing. This too is something that you will be fully capable of managing, and it will be ok.

You don't owe him anything. He is responsible for his own wellbeing, not you. If he can't grasp that, that's his problem, not yours. You are responsible for your wellbeing, and the best thing you can do to ensure it now is to walk out and reclaim your freedom.

Thanks for your replies

I do feel a bit responsible for him moving away from his kids, he wouldn't have if he hadn't met me. Obviously he still maintains loads of contact but finds it expensive financially to get to see them as often as he'd like.

I just wish he didn't become this 'other person' almost. I can be feeling safe and secure for ages then he can turn really horrible although he says he only standing his ground and the reason I'm upset by it is because nobody's stood their ground with me before ( meaning my ex husband who was quiet natured) so he's trying to explain away his nasty outbursts as normal

There is never an excuse for aggressive, offensive behaviour but every bully there's ever been will try to convince you otherwise.

cogito yes you are right he can be a bully. I really don't think he sees himself like that at all. I'm not sure how self aware he is

We did a straw poll in our DV group.

How long did it take to get out once we realised what the situation really was.

On average?

2 years.

We are so conditioned, so worn down that the strength and courage to leave evades us.

If you can get out, get out. Don't ever berate yourself for having to take time to rebuild the strength to put yourself first, to refuse to accept this dreadful treatment.

Don't ever think less of yourself, don't settle for that kind of life.

You are not alone.

Let me tell you, when you are out, you will wonder what on earth took you so long, and you'll see how easy it was to do, but daunting and terrifying before you succeeded.

You can do it, I promise you won't ever regret it!

I still have problems with doing things that I find scary, I don't know if it is from the EA or not - but I find myself pushing stuff right until the absolute last possible minute.

I have just ended an EA relationship even up to the last minute I doubted myself. But since he has gone I can see just how controlling and bullyish he was to me. I am sad of course that it's over but there is no way on earth I would ever let him into my life again.

Split the no contact...its the only way

I was with my ex partner for two years. He lied, cheated, stole and took drugs right through my pregnancy, all the time telling me how rubbish i was, how fat and ugly i was, awful in bed etc etc. I knew what needed to be done but put it off until I was ready. . He has been in prison for the past two months, life has been so much easier without him around. I don't feel on edge, or that I have to explain myself to anyone. I feel free. I really don't think their ever is a right time. but now would be a good start. bite the bullet. do what's right for you. Because trust me. . . life is good on the other side

No advise really but i'm kind of in a similar place now.

I can recognise things for how they are but just cant make that break.

There is something holding me back, fear of the unknown, fear its the wrong decision... I have no idea.

When things are going 'okay' you feel you can stick it a bit longer to see if it changes... but it never does, does it.

Good Luck

skating on ice that is absolutely how I feel. If I were to write on this post all of the incidents that have happened between us it would be truly shocking but because they are all isolated with good bits in between I tend to get past them

However I do feel now that my eyes are being opened and I am realising when he is being manipulative and its caused me to create a mental distance from him whereas before I was besotted

If you want to see the totality of the outbursts, keep a diary of events. It soon adds up and becomes a convincing tool in seeing things as they really are. It helped me make my mind up, and has been really helpful even after we split, as I can refer back to remind myself how awful it was whenever he tells me I was the problem (and he still does).might work for you too. And also, when your heads been messed with over a long time and you are constantly blamed, its difficult to get to 100% certainty about splitting. Im embarrassed to say even now, 9 months out, I can still have wobbles and wonder if it was indeed me. But then it passes and i get back on track. Follow your gut instinct. Good luck, whatever you choose to do.