How do you cope with a long friendship that's gone stale?

[Jollydollydumpling]

Just looking for some empathy really as feel a bit sad.
Got a friend who I met at work when we were single, 25 years or longer ago. We got on really well and have been very close for years, even though we live too far away just to meet for a coffee.

The crux of it is she's become- through her DH work- very wealthy and I don't 'recognise' her any more. They have become seriously rich- millionaires who now own several properties. She buys herself whatever she wants, her house is like something out a magazine- you get the picture. I know it may sound as if I'm jealous but I'm not. We are 'comfortably' off but not in that league. I've always worked - mainly part time- because for me it's part of who I am and I want to work. She hasn't worked for years and years.

But she's changed in some ways- she's become a lady who lunches and spends most of her time now with neighbours who are equally wealthy, have holiday homes she gets invited to, and the rest of the time she spends on personal grooming- hair, manicures, massages etc.

I could cope with that but one thing really bugs me- she never asks about my work. A few years ago I changed careers into something very competitive and through a lot of effort have built up a reasonable client base. But it's hard and I put a lot of effort into it. She never mentions it at all. She also stopped buying me Xmas and birthday gifts years ago - not for lack of money. I used to send her flowers if we weren't meeting up near the time, but now I've stopped as it's just not reciprocated. I feel marginalised by her wealthy friends and she doesn't make much effort to see me.

Although we go back decades, and we get on ok when we do meet up, I don't know how the friendship is sustainable because our lives are so different now. I suppose what I'm saying is that she's become very 'superficial' and money has changed who she is. Does this make sense and how would you cope with the feelings of loss?

Have you made other friends in those 25 years? I tend to think that few friends go the distance of a full lifetime, whereas most are more tied to time/place/circumstance. Once that time/place/circumstance changes, unless you're especially close and have created a new connection, the reason for the friendship goes with it. Maybe you could treat it that this old friend, with whom you have very little in common, is the kind that you can meet up with every so often and enjoy her on a 'nostalgia and coffee' level rather than expecting anything more substantial or current?

It sounds to me like the friendship is now based on the shared memories from a couple of decades ago as you do not have much in common now and she sin't much interested in who you are now (and vice versa by the sound of it).

FWIW, if it were me, I'd stop looking for a current friendship out of her but keep in touch as someone with whom you share good memories.

I think from her side there could be some slight jealousy over my work. She was made redundant many years back from a good job, and she's never gone back to it. She did some work after that- running a couple of small businesses, but neither was that successful.
Now she doesn't need to work for money and has literally-poo-pooed the idea of working because she says the money would be 'insignificant'.

We have strong bond in so much as I met Dh through her.

We used to chat maybe once a week or more, an about pretty deep stuff- but now it's less and what bugs me is that she has always had more time ( no job, no kids) but has never stepped up and made that tiny bit more effort to see me considering my work and family commitments.

I do have other friends but she, along with one other friend who I met around the same time, are my 2 'best' friends in some ways.

Other friends are more acquaintances .

I just feel she isn't who she was when we met.

One other thing- she thinks she is a 'good friend' and will often praise herself for being this! Yet in terms of our friendship she isn't- and I can hardly say that. She also often refers to her wealthy friends as being ' so kind'-and although I don't think she is comparing me with them that's how it feels- but their generosity comes from their wealth- what they are spending on her is a drop in the ocean to them, and I couldn't begin to compete.

Have you ever told her you feel she's turning into a shallow, self-obsessed, hypocrite? If you chat about deep stuff, surely a bit of honesty is appropriate

Ha! How would you say that if it were you?
eg If during a phone conversation she starts saying 'I'm such a good friend, I do put effort into my friendships'....( her DH thinks she doesn't...)
and I'm thinking, oh no you're not......

I'm just feeling hard done by. A good example would be me calling her for a catch up chat and she's 'just dashing off' to have her hair done, or a manicure, or lunch with X, and promises to call me back asap....

then it's 4 days later when she does so, having been here there and everywhere.

I put her to the test a few months back- I just sat back and let her do the running, not calling her back if she was busy etc when I phoned, and she did step up to the plate- and made more of an effort for a while. But I still feel very marginalised and way down her list of priorities.

Oh, it's a hard one. It sounds as if you don't really like her very much anymore or who she has become. The not asking about work thing would annoy me too.

Sometimes friendships just end. I read somewhere you can think of them as being 'complete' rather than over.

It is really hard though. I have now 'broken up' with someone I knew since I was 14 and it was really, really hard. We are just too different now and there was no big falling out, I tried to maintain things, left the ball in her court to contact me and haven't heard from her in months. But while it's hard I was really postponing the inevitable and now I don't really feel sad, disappointed but accepting, I suppose.

I don't know if that is helpful, just wanted to say that I understand how hard it is when a long friendship ends.

Maybe you could treat it that this old friend, with whom you have very little in common, is the kind that you can meet up with every so often and enjoy her on a 'nostalgia and coffee' level rather than expecting anything more substantial or current?

Exactly this. There doesn't have to be a big showdown or official divorce, but more a case of accepting that their place in your life has changed.

Thanks- and sorry you had a similar experience.

On a very basic level, I do still like her, but I think wealth and her wealthy neighbours, have contributed to her living a life that rarely includes me.
I've felt resentment for some time. I have 2 DCs ( now adults) and when they were little was desperate at times for a babysitter- my mum used to travel 300 miles to help out if it was something really important.

My friend never once offered to help me out even when I'd been in hospital for 2 operations when DCs were tiny. She recently admitted that the reason she never offered to babysit for 'any' of her friends was that she would have got caught up in doing it for all of us ( make that 3 of her friends who have children) and she didn't want that. ( she has no kids by choice.)

I just keep thinking the whole thing is about HER all of the time.