How did you know it was time to end your relationship?

[Shellywelly1973]

I've posted in here before. I've been given good & fair advice, even when it wasn't comfortable to read.

I've been with dp 14 years. 3Dc. Dp is terrible when it comes to communication. I cant get him to talk about anything. He won't go to relate.

Am i flogging a dead horse?
When do you know to give up?
I know he'll never change, i hate the thought of living like this for another 14 years...

You call it a day when it's intolerable and you know it'll never change.

I don't know if i expect too much. I end up feeling responsible for everything.

Dp takes no responsibility for dc, house, anything at all. I get him to sort the cars out, he will his own & mine to a lesser extent. He's meant to do the gardening & diy but its the absolute bare minimum.

He doesn't really do anything wrong...he doesn't really do anything at all!

I just end up angry, cross & resenting him.

You have answered your own question.

You know the time is right when the unknown future is more appealing than the known present.

I think the end is nigh when you get to the point you feel compelled to ask that question.

Good luck whatever you decide; I agree that when the future looks brighter without him than with him, it's time to go. Life is much too short to be sad everyday.

I think when (D)P has made himself dispensible, it's time to end the relationship. From what you've said he just sorts out his own car. If he's gone, you won't have to worry how his car's doing. Without communication, you haven't the wherewithal to improve matters. Sounds to me like you've come to the end of the road.

It hit me like a ton of bricks last night. Its not even a decision its just what i need to do.
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I will be totally on my own though, no RL support. Only 1 sister in this city. No close friends. Im pregnant. I suppose i know i could just let this blow over but i also know he won't change.

I can't carry on as i am but scared of Whats to come...

You'd be an unusual person if you weren't daunted by the unknown. Life is rarely predictable and what all do is take calculated risks based on the best information we have available. That's what I'd suggest you start doing. Get advice on practical/legal things like finances, housing etc. Start building up your social circle and making more friends. Weigh all that up against what you know life will be like if you stick around. Then it's a question of judgement.

Everything is mine&in my name. We're not married so straight forward. One of the dc has ASD make socialising & having visits or doing visits impossible. I make friends but its difficult with Ds.

I was on my own for years with 2dc before i met dp but had family around then so i know what its like except Im older, have more dc has& alot wiser!

Only you know that answer but remember even the best of relationships go through shit sometimes, it's life, the key is communication as always, have you tried telling him how you feel, maybe he doesn't realise you're already thinking of walking.

Good luck. Remember there are some lovely people here to support you, it must be very hard not having RL support, x

He knows, i told him last night. I cut contact with my sister a few months ago, my sister had been my closest friend & we were incredibly close. I had a MMC. Her reaction was so outrageous, it made me view her in a different light. I suddenly seen why most of my family dislike her reaction& dont speak to her.

It feels the same, i can't ignore how Shit this relationship is. I know, no matter what happens, he isn't capable of supporting me, emotionally, practically even financially. He's totally unable to have a discussion with me.

He's not a bad person. He goes to work. Comes home. Goes out once a month. Does stuff if i tell him but i need to tell him everything & in detail. He's a hands on dad. He can't cope with Ds SN. Our Dd is 11. He hasn't a clue & isn't really interested. Our youngest Ds adores his dad. He is best with him.

He's not a gambler, drinker or cheater thats why we are still together. He loves me more then I've ever loved him. For him, its about me&him. For me, its about the dc.

I just need to organise everything now...

Sorry, that was meant to say he's NOT a hands on dad!

(((Big hugs))) How old is DS with ASD? You might be entitled to a Carers' Assessment which should lead to short breaks. As a lone parent with 3 DCs, pregnant, no family around - you should definitely get some respite. Where in the country are you?

I recognise this - my exH was almost exactly the same. No communication, I had to organise every single thing about our lives, except car maintenance. He didn't bother his arse with the garden either, my dad did it.

Then one day I asked him to take out the bins, and he said "why? You do it yourself the rest of the time", I said "You're right. I do everything myself" and I told him we were done. I've never looked back.

It is scary to contemplate being on your own with DCs, but if you start to plan now, take your time, get your head around finances, childcare etc, you'll manage just fine. Keep coming here for support as and when you need it - I was on a thread on Mumsnet as I went through it and it helped enormously. PM me if you like - I found that hugely helpful too.

Hugs and good luck x

Django - my guy was the same. Why are they like that? Is is because they've been brought up very pampered, encouraged to indulge in as much leisure and enjoyment as possible. And led to believe that they will get a wee wifie (sorry, scottish for "little woman") who will take care of them. Or did we just take on too much to start with (probably because we were better at it and took a pride in the house), and then they just believe that everything just gets done by itself. If my ex was in the pub then he would never dream of avoiding buying "his round", but there is no sense of "doing his bit" or "it's his turn" when it came to every single domestic task. And then if he did do some housework or gardening, what a big deal he'd make about it, even though he should be doing it anyway all the time (as I am without any sense of appreciation). And most tasks attempted were abandoned mid-way, leaving a mess for me to go and tidy up, whilst he's thinking he'd made a great contribution! Why, oh why?

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft. I may have the title wring but something along the lines of 'should I stay or should I go' sorry I'm really unsure of title.