feel so let down by everyone ... and i mean everyone

[Fairylea]

My mum gave me a card and present to give to my abusive ex when he picked dd up for contact as he has had two new dc. (He was not abusive to dd in any way just emotionally towards me and my mum knows this). I opened the card when she had left and it was all gushing and full of lots of love. I just don't understand why and how she could do that, knowing what he did to me. I am so hurt. I have a long backstory with my generally toxic mother but that really takes the piss. Needless to say ex dp won't be getting the card or present. Although I didn't tell my mum she was out of order. Maybe I should have done. I just pretended I would give it to him. I am weak and tired of arguing with her and I'm already minimising contact with her due to her favouritism of dd aged ten over ds 14 months.

My dhs family are not interested in us at all or coming to see us which is fair enough, no obligation but they also have other grandchildren who live further than ours and they move heaven and earth to see them. Until recently we had been driving to visit his family every week or so, a long journey, but we all had a big row about something unrelated (eBay of all things) and I am now feeling (as is dh) that I am done with them and they can make the effort.

Dh basically sleeps through anything and will never get up until I literally kick him out of bed. It takes 4 goes most mornings and I am a bit sympathetic because he does work long hours and often till 10pm but really I'm asking once in a while to get up with the kids (at 6am). I've had enough..I do it and have done it every bloody day. He will say oh have a lie in then but he just doesn't hear the kids at all and it takes him so fucking long to wake up that the littlest one gets upset and I end up getting up anyway! Or I really have to moan and moan and dh gets annoyed I'm going on at him because he doesn't realise it's the tenth time I've asked him to get up!

My little ds is a nightmare and just wants to practice walking non stop. All day. Everyday. By holding onto both my hands.

We have NO other family. No one. No-one to babysit or even visit.

We have a few friends but for one reason or another they cannot help.

I have been to baby groups but they are awful and ds isn't interested in the other babies and just wants to walk so I might as well just take him to the park and save the money.

I cannot afford to go back to work and I also have health problems (thyroid and pituitary tumour) which means I am shattered most of the time anyway.

I have just had enough of everything. I'm not even depressed. When everyone is asleep or whatever and I'm on my own I am fine. I am just so miserable with every bloody day of family life.

And I feel awful saying that because really others have it far worse.

Maybe I just need a rant :(

Sounds like you badly need some support and it should be coming from your DH in the first instance. He should be doing a lot more housework, childcare and if that means he takes a few days off work occasionally, why not?

If his late working hours mean he can't get up in the morning how about approaching the problem differently? For example, when I was sole parent to an early-bird toddler (5am) I used to go to bed at 8 or 9pm just so that I could be up and about but still function for work.

If you don't have friends and family to help with the children could he pay a babysitter to come in one evening a week so that you can go out and relax as a couple?

BTW... for DS could you find him one of those walker car/trolleys with a big handle at the back? Mine used to love pushing his all round the house. Might free up your hands.

Thanks cogito. You're right I do need some support.

I'm going to sound awfully defeatist here and I don't mean to but we literally have no budget for a paid babysitter or childcare at all. We are one of those families on a very low income, despite dh working sometimes 50 hours a week, everything is budgeted for and saved for. Neither of us could justify paying for childcare when we have a shower that needs fixing and an mot looming that we need to save for.

Dh is very good when he's home and awake - ! - no quibbles about housework etc. But the morning thing does drive me insane. He just says he finds it hard to wake up. Well so do I! But someone has to! I suspect underneath it all he knows I am going to do it so he mentally switches off. If I had the money I'd be seriously tempted to sod off to a hotel for a week. I feel like the getting up and sorting the kids out falls to me. I do sometimes have very early nights but then I feel I have no time to myself at all.

I still feel so angry with my mum about the card etc. I so want to have a go but the moments passed now hasn't it? She's texting me about some new microwave she's brought so I feel I can't suddenly launch into an attack about the card now.

I feel very unloved and unhappy. I feel like no one gives a shit about me. I'm also beginning to think I'm terrible at relationships because when I'm down I just shut off emotionally. I can't really talk to dh at the moment because I feel so angry, with everything.

Thanks re the walker too. Ds has one but he tips it over too easily so he can't walk with it. He is a very big boy - in age 2-3 clothes already!

I wonder if you could get some help from home start?

Do you think so? I feel bad asking them as I always thought it was more for single parents (which I was myself for a long time with dd before I met dh) and families sort of with serious needs... I don't know if we would come under that. I could find out.

I've been feeling so low this week that I've been staying up lying awake in bed not wanting to wake up as it's just another long day.

Maybe I do need to go and see my gp. I just don't see how I will feel better unless my home situation changes.

Ds is an absolute nightmare baby. Hes very sweet at times but just so demanding. And won't nap anywhere but his cot in the dark so days out are out of the question as we have to come back for his nap otherwise he is a nightmare.

I keep saying to myself I just have to get through this till he is able to start free nursery but that's no way to live is it? I'm not enjoying anything, everything is such a chore.

I think your health visitor refers you. It would be good to speak to your HV anyway there may be some groups you've not tried before that may be more your scene and get to build up a better network of friendly support?

Oh fairylea you can't spend all your days walking backwards with DS. He has to learn to tolerate some boredom or to entertain himself even so small, it can't be possible for him to have constant one-to-one stimulation and mum on demand. Our own parents would have put us in a playpen for half an hour to just get on and really it isn't as bad for him as having a mummy who is cracking up because she can't leave him for a second. I don't know what to suggest really except one of those walker things mentioned up the thread but somehow there must be a way of giving yourself some time and a bit of peace. What about local MN, where do you live? I think you need to focus on yourself a bit, he will survive.

Thanks for the ideas, I will definitely look into them.

I really don't know how to encourage ds to play on his own... we have a play pen but he screams the minute he's put in it. So it's almost less stressful to keep walking him round than listen to him wail. We just spend the whole day walking round and round and round. He might sit for a few minutes if I bend his legs so he sits with a toy but before minutes have passed he is moaning to walk again. He must be exhausted, it's a lot of walking for a little one. He is interested in the Tv so I let him watch a bit of that, mainly him standing up (but at least in one place) holding on to my hands!!

It's ridiculous. Isn't it. I really feel I'm either an idiot for letting him get like this or simply too exhausted to sort it out. I find the crying and general whingeing so stressful. Maybe I have to persevere with it a bit.

I honestly feel I am too old for all this sometimes. And I'm not old at all I'm 33!!

How long would he scream for? Ear plugs, industrial ones ...

You are in an awful situation at the moment, but it will pass. Because soon your lo will be toddling and running.

Re DH. I would agree some sort of rota. Say he gets up early with them 2 days a week or whatever. And both of you, amd I mean you too Fairylea sticking to it

I am with Roshbegosh on the baby will survive bit.
I dont know how old Roshbegosh is, but us older mums used playpens, controlled crying, ignore tantrums. Babies survived fine, I can assure you. And mums had some semblance of normal life, even with young children.

There ae baby books on this sort of stuff. But I am so out of date on them, I dont know which are best for this sort of thing any more.