How do you get over the feeling of failure?

[RollerCola]

Dh & I have decided to separate. We've been married for 16yrs, together for 23yrs and have 2 dcs 11 & 6. We've been together since I was 15, him 18. The first 13 years were wonderful, the last 10 years have become unbearable.

We made the decision last week & whilst I feel much better mentally I can't help feeling a terrible sense of failure that we couldn't make it work. During these last 10 years we've done everything we can to improve things - we went to Relate 4 yrs ago but things just slipped downhill again.

He's been unhappy for much of the time we've been parents, he's v selfish & admits he didn't cope well with 'sharing' me. Now he's just miserable, grumpy, snappy etc all the time. I've tried till I'm blue in the face to make him happy but it's just not working. And now I've had enough.

I know I'll be fine without him, I'm looking forward to it. But after so many years together I just can't shake this awful feeling of failure. We've tried our very best but its just not good enough.

Any advice on how to move on?

Thank you Viking, I really don't know what I think at the moment. I suppose I'm still in a shock that's it's actually finished. My children are proof that it really wasn't a failure, and I wouldn't even turn back time because if I did they wouldn't be here.

Some of it is because I know other people will be shocked and telling them the news will probably upset them. I hate attention & just want to put my head down & get on with it. But I know there will be a post mortum procedure to go through where I'll have to explain it all over & again.

We did have many many good times, I need to remember those. I just feel really numb.

Thanks for your help it's really appreciated.

It's failure to who??
What is considered not a failure?? Shite marriage??

Im saying it in the nicest way, maybe it's your ego that wants to show yourself and everyone else you made it work.

If you tried for 10years then maybe you have it your best shot.
Don't beat yourself too much

'Moving On' by relate is a book that helped me.

I understand how you have that feeling, I had it, after the end of a similar length marriage, (20 years) and to an extent still do (ended 8 years ago) but now only at the back of my mind.

We had 2 lovely children who are still great and I look at them as the success. The failure aspect was nothing more than the end of the relationship.

So I have just put it into a similar catagory as the end of all the friendships that have happened over my lifetime, only one from which I have some great memories and in the children some brilliant aspects.

Anyway if my mental maths is correct, you're only 38 just approaching the prime of life. It will take time, but unfortunately the cliche is true, time is a great healer.

It's a tough balancing act - do you take the very scary leap into the unknown or do you stick with someone you're not happy with? They say better the devil you know than the devil you don't, but you have to be true to yourself. Believe in yourself. I think you're more of a failure if you stay with someone for the sake of it. If you can't make it work you can't make it work. It takes lots of courage to break up. If you can do that then it will be a big personal achievement - and you can feel very proud of yourself.
I'm also breaking up - it is so tough, and I also not looking forward to announcing it and also fear what people might think (but not say). They might give it a passing thought, but won't care about it too much. (They have their own problems and concerns.) The fact that you have stayed together for so long shows how hard you have tried to make it work.

Thanks for all your positive replies. I know it's the best decision & I will definitely be happier once we've separated properly. I'm just struggling with my emotions at the moment. Despite knowing I'm doing the right thing & feeling relieved that we've made the decision, as soon as I actually say the words out loud to someone I fall to pieces. Even though I've got my own head round it it's very difficult to cope with other people's reactions (and I've only told two out loud & no family yet)

I just need to get strong while I get through the 'telling people' part. I think once that part's over I'll feel better & can move on. Thanks everyone.

Why not have a trial separation and see that as a valid part of the relationship? Staying faithful to each other during it if possible.

We did that - i was way beyond worrying about failure, completely broken-hearted (my dh was unfaithful) and it was such a relief to get out there on my own with the kids - I rented and moved out in one day.

But after a year or so, we began to talk and sort things out. Then I could make a free choice about getting back together - if I'd stayed, it wouldn't have been based on that free choice - maybe that's what your dh needs? Instead of being taken over by events. If its really over, then you'll 'know' and there will be no guilt or failure at all, only peace.

We called it 'decorating' - an age-old euphemism for separation.

What do your kids think? They are a big consideration too.

Its OK to have a break - you don't have to make it all final just because that's 'what other people do' . Just go and run your own life for a bit - and see how you get on.

'Love is all you need' etc and sometimes that means getting some space from each other, and letting go, re-writing the rules - that doesn't have to be divorce courts and all that wretchedness.
If it does, after living separately for a while, then you'll know deep down you're doing the right thing and that will mean success in your future.
People make such a fuss about staying married - in the past you just got on with it as an economic necessity. Unless you are being beaten up, then Relate can do more harm than good too.
Sorry to put such a long post!

I felt like you and dreaded all the talk and speculation. My XH ran around giving all my friends and family his version of events so they wouldn't think badly of him. It was a truly weird time. But after being a nine day wonder in our small town things moved on and now we are both happy with other people. All things pass!

You are allowed to feel guilt, regret and grief at the end of the relationship. Take care of yourself and do little things to make life better.

I can't imagine who would think you're a failure.

IMO you're a bloody strong person to have made a hard decision and chosen NOT to watch your best years fly by in misery and dullness.

Well done, you.

Hi OP. As it was me who ended our marriage (married 15 years/together for 22/2 DC) I was not expecting to feel such overwhelming sadness and so many emotions.

Dealing with the end of a long term relationship is hard. As GetStuffezed has said it takes courage to end it. Seeing the road ahead on your own is scary but you will be fine. I'm 8 months down the line now, the DCs seem absolutely fine, I am much happier and not treading on eggshells around my H has massively improved my wellbeing.

My H is very hostile towards me but I didn't love him anymore and I couldn't stay unhappy just to make him happy. It's good that yours is a mutual decision, hopefully it will make the practical things easier for you. Good Luck.

I don't see you as a failure at all. You gave your relationship your all and it hasn't worked out, well after 23 years no-one is ever going to turn round and say you didn't try.
As a single mum. Rightly or wrongly I see my self as a succsess. and I'll not be told any different. I'm independent hard working and don't have to rely on anyone. xxx

Walking on eggshells - that's one of the things that makes you just want to run away.

I stayed with my dh (sort of) but totally empathise and sometimes wish I hadn't, except that now i'm much tougher and wont be pushed around. Plus we have a good time on hols and eating out and seeing the kids do well - and the rest - there are benefits both ways. You can see how calculatingly cool one gets after heart break - nothing touches you the same way ever again.

But there's grief (that aching physically painful grief) either way - whether you stay or go, you're still in for a stormy time and maybe that's the price you pay for having feelings and being human. But I think its putting up with things as they are that's really bad.

The other thing is, men can go and have another family and don't have a biological cut off date - so potentially no time or money for you and your dcs anymore. You won't always come first or be important to him.

But don't feel a failure - you are changing your situation and its not your fault its like this. Who cares what people say - you might find they actually knew more than you thought anyway. You might be surprised by how many people say 'finally, you've done it! Well done - we all knew that was going to happen'.