My Mum is driving me barmy - please help me cope

[Firefox]

I need to let off some steam here as really don't know what to do about my Mum. I think the root cause is that she is a very lonely and unhappy person but lately it has got worse and I'm finding she is becoming more difficult to deal with as she tends to be obsesive over very trival things and will not listen to any kind of reason. It's getting to a point where I dread the phone ringing or her coming around as I have to really bite my tongue as I know it can end up turning into an argument. The trouble is I'm finding her very wearing and emotionally draining. I'd love to withdraw contact as much as possible but this is quite difficult and she tends to get very upset and defensive if I don't maintain constant contact.

If anyone has any tips on how to cope I'd be really grateful.

Some things my Mum does just to give an idea - phones every day - sometimes several times to talk about absoloute drivel - and will repeat stories over and over again. If I say it's not a good time - she get's into a huff. She constantly critises and calls people names - myself and my sis being the brunt of this, makes very racist comments, and is incredibly judgemental. She moans about how hard and unfair life is. She resents the fact that my sister and I have any friends or if we dare to leave our dh's and kids just to have an evening out. Even my dad finds her wearing and it has got worse with her retirement. We all think that she could do with some professional help but the trouble is that she won't even entertain the idea - she doesn't think she has a problem and that the problem is us and everybody else.

Maybe she has too much time on her hands and is getting bored / depressed and taking it out on you. i think this quite often happens when people retire. Can you get her involved in some sort of hobby or activity? Or get her to babysit the kids while you and DH go out that should wear her out !!!!

Maybe she needs to get a hobby. It sounds to me like she has shut down into her own little world.
Do your mum and dad go out much to social events or would she not consider this.
I have no real advice,hopefully someone else might have.
Good luck.

If you're finding her phone calls annoying, would it be possible to ask her to ring only at particular times? I think your Mum may be a bit depressed - the name-calling and criticisms sound like depression, as well as the fact that it's got worse since she retired, and resents your social life. Maybe she needs to find an activity outside the home, if that's possible for her, e.g. helping out in an old people's home, charity shop, school dinners, etc. (she'd make new friends too)? My mum is coming out of a depressed period after retirement and she did find working in a charity shop helped her for a couple of months.

Sorry no real advice but just to let you know I know exactly how you feel....whenever my phone rings, I just automatically say "hi mum"...there's a 99.99% chance it's her!

Firefox,

From what you write it sounds like she's always been like this throughout your life.

I was wondering what had happened in her own life to make her like this as an adult. These are her issues though to deal with, she is responsible for her own self and actions.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may also give you another source of reference. I think she shows all the behaviours of a "toxic parent" (the constant criticism, the blaming of everyone except herself for her problems, the attention seeking are all representative of such toxicity).

Are you my sister?

Just joking but we could be talking about the same mum!!

Mine is exactly as you describe and I cannot really give any advice - just bite your tongue.

I keep telling myself I only have one mum and I will be very sorry when she is gone.

Thanks for all the responses so far. I'm touched.

Toadstool - if I ask her to ring at certain times she gets very offended and accuses me of not caring, not having time for her etc.

Heavenis - yes- it does sound like she has shut down in her own little world where she is a victim. I really don't know how to get her out of this mindset, and to think more positively.

CCMummy - my mum finds looking after her grandkids only enjoyable for about 10 mins. She then gets bored with them, finds them irritating and will then start complaining how tiring it is for her to have them. It's got to a point now where both my sis and I limit our babysitting requests.

My dad and I thought by encouraging her to have a hobby would help but she doesn't seem to want to find an interest in anything. She spends a lot of her time cleaning (which she then resents), going to Church, and going shopping. Unfortunately although she adores shopping she then gets upset that she hasn't got the money to keep buying things she wants. She refuses to accept any money from my sis or I. She would like to go out for day trips out, meals etc but unfortunately both my parents see this as a terrible waste of money so they refuse to do it - the cost for them they believe outweighs their enjoyment.

I think you have to be firm about the phoning thing. She may be in a huff for a while but she should get used to it. Either that or get a phone that displays the number calling and then only answer when it is a good time...That's what I've had to do.

Skytvaddict - it's gets very hard to bite my toungue all the time -especially when she makes outlandish comments. Have you got any tips to strengthen my resolve??

Atilla - thanks for the Toxic Parents book recommendation. I actually have that and started to read it too - but never got to the end. I heard though that the solution was to confront the parent - which I know would cause a huge amount of conflict. Is this what the book suggests to do? Her problems do stem from her mindset as her Mum is also constantly critical and always puts her down. It's very sad as my Mum has incredibly low self esteem.

If they would like to go on day trips,you and your sis could book one or two as presents for birthdays or anniversary.
I think it is very hard for you. You've either got to bite the bullet and talk to her and say how worried you are. Would she go to the gp with support or would she say there is nothing wrong. You could write a letter and explain feeling.
I think if you confront her then you can expect to have it turned round on you.
Otherwise you'll have to bite yout tongue.

My mum is like that, I actually do think she is clinically depressed and has been all her life. I don't think there's anything you can do. Suggesting she takes up a hobby is a waste of time when her basic outlook on life is so negative. Like yours, my mum is not interested in anything outside watching tv. It is very draining to support a person like that, and I found that I simply don't have the resources to do that. So, I don't pick up the phone. Sometimes she calls 7 times in a row (won't leave a message...aaaarrrrgggghhhh!) but I just silence it and refuse to answer. Then I'll call back when it suits me, and I have extended the intervals to once a week, or once every two weeks. When the drivel starts to make me want to slit my wrists, I exclaim 'ooh that's the doorbell, it must be x, I have to go now byyyeeeee!!!' and practically hang up. You can't change your mum, you can't make her become a positive, interesting person with lots of energy and fascinating conversation. It won't happen. Once I realised this, I have actually started to appreciate my mum a lot more and understand her, and even be able to show some empathy for what must be a pretty miserable life. If you can take control of little things at a time then you may be able to start reshaping the relationship to something that doesn't make you go bonkers!

I find the caller display phone no end of use. If she is rude to you, then I don't think it is out of place not to want to see her. She will just have to get in a huff. You could maybe try telling her (in a nice way) that you will not accept her talking to you in that way.

I'd agree with what's been said so far - she definitely sounds lonely and depressed. Some of what you describe was exactly what I used to get from my mother, who felt very alone and purposeless.

One thing I did find that helped in the long term was to listen - which I found very hard as my response to any problem is to sort it out right now thankyou very much. Can you set aside some time to see her and listen to her (perhaps on neutral territory if necessary). In the end I found out all sorts of extraordinary things about my mother's upbringing, and I think it helped her, in the long run, to go and talk to other people.

In the short term, I would get an answering machine that lets you screen calls. Can you work out when her best time is, and try and speak to her then (my mother was v depressed in the mornings, and would drink in the evenings, so I would make sure I only spoke to her about lunchtime!)

But it is hard - especially when you are getting the worst of it.

outlandish comments... two tricks - if she's always negative you could ask her to say something positive for every neg thing she says. did this with my ex, didn't change him one bit the miserable b*gger but made him think! Two - you could transcribe one of her phone conversations and give it to her written down. Maybe she doesn't realise what she's like or how unhappy/depressed she is or how its affecting you.

Thanks for all your replies. I've found them very helpful, and they have all made me think.

Over the weekend, I had an open and frank discussion with my Dad about how I felt about my Mum. It came as a huge relief as he has noticed a change in her behaviour too. He told me that even a few close friends and family have also mentioned to him that they think she would benefit from some help. My Dad also thinks it stems from when she had a hysterectomy 5 years ago - but despite medical advice to take HRT she has refused. My Dad told me it is unforutanate as my Mum refuses to believe anything is wrong with her and will not take any medication anyway. I felt quite sad for my Dad as he said he is in the firing line of her mood swings which at times have been very difficult for him to cope with.

This weekend I also began to ignore the phone. Whilst I felt incredibly guilty I also felt a huge relief. I'm beginning to realise that trying to reason with my Mum is pointless. It is very hard for me to bite my tongue - especially when she starts a tirade of critism but I'm not sure what else to do.

I'd dearly love to help her but as kitegirl says I can't change her - especially if she refuses any help.

You have my sympathy. I go through phases of coping with my mum and not coping with her. At one point I was ready to fall out with her for good because it wasnt working. She was just a big drain and the effort not to scream at her for some of the things she was saying...
She used to say things, racist remarks etc and sort of ruffle her arse like a duck waiting for a frigging arguement. WTF was that about???
So, when shes ranting....I say nothing. When shes slagging people off, I point out thier good points.
When shes telling the same thing over and over...I say yep I know you said....and the third time at the end of her spiel, I say nothing, leaving long silences on these phone calls conversations...but its somehow worked.
Must have make her think....i think. I laso say, Have you heard yourself recently? etc But it needs to be said and it keeps her from being so about NOTHING...

firefox - you have my sympathies! I had this with my Mum continually. In the last few years of her life, everything escalated and she was ringing me upwards of 3 times a day. She was always very critical at anything I told her about my life - she never asked about my DDs and was interested in anything they had done unless it was a swipe at my mothering skills.
It got to the point that I had a tight feeling in my chest every time the phone went.
My advice would be to set some ground rules NOW! I didn't - I let her be like this and it went on for years.

We had caller display but I still answered her call every time she rang - I think I subconsciouly was still trying to win her approval. I let her walk all over me and, if I had my time again, I would be stronger.
Good luck!

sorry, that should read:

wasn't interested in anything my DDs did!

All this is so familiar...not in a good way either.
My mum too is, I think, very depressed. Or at least she looks at the world and her place in it in a very gloomy depressing poor me type of way, which I find incredibly draining. Like banging on and on and on about some imagined slight or off remark that someone made to her years ago (and I mean 30, 40, even nearly 50 years ago). I sometimes think her emotional development stopped when her dad died when she was about 12 or 13. I do feel sorry for her but she's sooo draining and can be very irritating.

When she thinks I haven't been phoning often enough she'll ring and leave a message full of sighs "Just ringing to see how you all are...because I';ve not heard from you..."
Or posting little chocolate bars or pencils for the children, with a plaintive little note attached...

I try hard to understand her and to be patient, but tbh it's hard and i feel guilty and irritated in equal measure. i was brought up listening to her slag off her ILS constantly - yes my dad's family; maybe not perfect but hey I was 6,7,8 years old listening to the same old crap then that she's still churning out now !

Also she used to say how demanding my granny got in old age (she used to live round the corner), but now she uses just the same tricks on me "I thought you'd have phoned" "I'm sorry to disturb you when you're so busy with everyone else". That last one really irritates me because if she does phone,it'll be at 6.30pm or thereabouts when i'm trying to deal with toddler tantrums, bathtime, piano practice, and getting my oldest 2 off the computer and onto their homework. She k nows the routine, but hey ho.

But that aside, the worst thing is she has emphysema, brought on by decades of smoking. She has failing health and won't be around to see/talk to/hear about her 4 grandchildren for much longer i fear. She was only 53 when ds1 was born 12 years ago and even then seemed much older than her years. What a waste. Hell I'm 42 and I've a toddler !