Dp's obsession with our house is driving me insane

[Cardiomardio]

We bought a lovely house a few months back and naturally we had a few ideas of what we wanted to do to it when we moved it. Issue is now that dp is obsessed with it and has already started pulling out cupboards, knocking down walls, pulling out fireplaces etc etc. when he's not doing that he's spending hours and hours on the Internet looking for stuff for the house. It's literally constant. When we go to bed he brings up the b&q catalogues to read or the iPad to search for more stuff on the Internet. I love the house but I miss my partner. He's so obsessed with the house that we just don't spend any time together anymore. Even on a weekend when his kids come for access visits he either leaves them to their own devices whilst he stalks the Internet for showers/wardrobes/kitchen sets etc etc or he gets them helping him with the DIY (then blames me when they don't wanna come!)
Another issue is the money. He's just constantly buying stuff for the house and we are do skint right now. He's trying to do the bathroom, living room, kitchen, dining room and en suite all at once. I tried compromising and said let's just concentrate on the dining room for now and get nice stuff for that - he agreed - next minute he's bought a shower cubicle off the Internet because it was too good to miss.
It's just getting me down, the money, the time - I just feel like a lodger at the minute

knocking down walls?

I hope he knows what he's doing and doesn't damage the structure of your home.

What does he say when you tell him what you've said in your op?

So call a halt to it. Sit him down, tell him STOP, look at how obsessively/anti-socially he's behaving and that either you get included in the planning, design and (very importantly) the budgeting as an EQUAL partner or the whole future of the relationship is hanging in the balance.

I've read your other thread too regarding his 'me time' on the internet.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to focus on your relationship, forget the house and the internet obsession.

Tell him that this is the way people who end up on DIY SOS start off. Good on the demolition, but without the skills or persistence to complete the project.

He does know what he's doing and gets other people in to do stuff he's not sure about but the whole thing is literally constant. Like I said in my other thread (which I will return to btw, on phone at minute) I worked a 13 hour shift yesterday and was really looking forward to spending the evening with him. He'd got home at 4.30 and according to the kids had immediately gone on his pc - only breaking away from it to put dinner on and then returning to it until I got in at 8.30. He then dished up my dinner (so not altogether a bad bloke) but then returned to his pc and I didn't see him again until 10.30 by which time I was knackered, grumpy, lonely, bored and ready for bed. I'm so bored of the house and if I say anything he goes in a massive defensive strop saying he'll just leave it then and won't bother with it at all since nobody else gives a shit about it etc etc. I even find myself detaching from him a bit. If he doesn't want to spend any time with me, he can't want to be with me that much

Sounds like you need to forget the feet-ups and demand to be included in the project management if you're to get his attention. Have you done that?

Yeah I'm involved in that we chose a layout together, chose which walls to knock down, chose the furniture and fittings together (apart from the stuff he's grabbed last minute on the Internet, but he knows what styles I like) - did all that together. He's always asking my opinion. And I mean, ALWAYS - as in - constantly
My issue is with the 'constantly'. My understanding of it was that we'd do all this stuff gradually over the next couple if years, not all together right now working on it 24/7 :-( we just can't afford it and apart from the financial strain of it, our relationship is really suffering

His huffy 'oh alright I'll stop altogether then shall I' is very childish. Is the obsession threatening to put you into debt - or will he stop buying when a 'fund' is used up? Looking at your other threads, does this DIY obsession stop when his DCs come to stay?

No I think he will put us into debt. Last month we ended up in the overdraft and when I checked the bank statement it was full of online purchases for house things. It doesn't stop when his kids come, he either sits on the pc for hours looking at b&q etc whilst the watch tv or he carries on building around them (often roping them in to help). His eldest son has made excuses not to visit for the past two weeks. Dp blames me (without actually saying it, making out that his ds missed it just bring the 3 of them on a weekend) but I think it's because it's boring here! Fuck, I'm bored here!!

You reminded me of It sounds like a terrible situation OP. You will have to talk to him and maybe suggest putting a ban on doing anything with the house for a few months till your relationship is back on track.

I want to say to him "let's have a ban on DIY for a couple if weeks and an hours Internet each per night. However he'll just say I'm being controlling and to be honest, if you're having to tell someone to spend time with you, they may as well not bother :-(
He IS building Darby's castle.

Sounds familiar, though my DH is not quite so bad as that. He needs to have a project on the go at all times, I realise (he is SAHD).

It helped to talk very frankly about it. We decided that he was the accelerator in our relationship, and I was the brake. Both roles are very useful. Without his drive (or, obsession) we'd never get around to anything. Without my refusal to be bounced into stuff until I'm sure it is actually necessary and we've really thought it through, we'd have made a lot of expensive mistakes.

Our compromise: no medium or big purchases without discussion and agreement. The bigger it is, the more we both need to positively agree on it-one of us never bounces the other into something they're not sure of.

Also, discussion is time-limited. I refuse to come home from work and spend the ENTIRE EVENING discussing the latest must-do thing. We talk, I look at all the bookmarked internet pages, and if I say I want to think about it he does not get stroppy. Equally, I accept that I have to get back to him about it rather than just park it forever, as is my wont.

We actually listed what we wanted to do in the house in order of importance. It was very interesting-stuff that really bothered DH didn't bother me, and vice versa. So we had to agree on the priorities first.

this looks like an addiction. It comes before everything else and he fiercely defends it, resorting to emotional blackmail if you raise any objections. It's not just you, is it, it's his kids too - everything comes second to his addiction obsession.

Is he an addictive sort? Is this the first time he has gone completely OTT over something? Are there other things he refuses to discuss but guards with his life?

Going by your other posts, this is the 3rd in relationships and you have one in AIBU, I think you have realized living with him was not the fairy tale ending you thought it would be.

Moving in with someone after being on your own is hard work. I know I had a wobble within a few months after moving in with DP. He got on my nerves at one point. Now I wouldn't want it any other way. Two individuals living in the same house will cause tension at times.

BUT, if he is like this all the bloody time and there are other issues in the relationship, then it doesn't look good. Maybe you're just incompatible.

Are there any other issues?