VA from wife......

[cronullansw]

Some friends stayed at our place on Saturday night, nice meal, great company, everything normal, The kids all went to bed, the adults carried on drinking, all good, no problems anywhere and off we all went to our respective bedrooms.

I get a knock on the door, it's my pal, we'll call him Steve, as that is his name. Turns out Mrs Steve / Sue, is feeling a bit ill and has started vomiting.

She's not ill. She's drunk.

So I'm fetching buckets, taking away towels, sheets etc that have spillage on them - I know, lovely end to the evening right!

But I heard Sue clearly growling comments at him such as,

''do something useful for once, you fucking idiot....
''fuck off and leave me alone you wanker....

She also swung a casual backhand at him (missed tho) as she walked past....

Steve din't even flinch when he heard this, I haven't discussed it with him since the event, but I know I will do soon - so my question, to you, oh knowledgeable and wise forum, is; what do I say to him?

Could this have been a one off? Could she have really been saying what she really feels and the alcohol loosened her tongue?

Your poor friend! I would ask him if he has to put up with that sort of thing on a regular basis. If so it's emotional abuse, with some violence thrown in.

He might not even know how she is treating him in unacceptable if he is used to it.

She might need help for her drinking, too so perhaps ask about that.

She sounds exactly like my mother tbh. Her husbands finally saw sense.

Hi Cronullansw,
This thread is a basic bill of rights so to speak for relationships. It was written for women on this forum, but I do believe it can equally apply to your friend and his circumstances-equal rights . (I have also bumped the thread to the top of the Relationship board.)

Hopefully Sue is just a bad drunk. If her abusive behavior is not specific to alcohol use (not that he should have to endure it for alcohol as an excuse), then Steve really needs to decide how much he will tolerate and arriving at an enough is enough point make an ultimatum to her. He might also benefit from counselling as this is very difficult to deal with and maintain good mental health/self-esteem (regardless of whether one is a man or a woman).

Ask 'Steve' if this is a regular occurrence... both the binge drinking and the verbal abuse.... and reassure him that it's unacceptable behaviour and that you're happy to listen if he wants to talk. Hope you took the revolting 'Sue' to task for throwing up all over your guest room...

'Sue' sounds vile. Alcohol is never an excuse for bad behaviour. It doesn't change personalities it simply lowers inhibitions and exposes people for what they really are. Anyone who is vile when drunk is vile all the time; they're just better at hiding it when they're sober. I'm sorry your friend had to go through that and that you had to deal with the fallout.

I can't decide about the lack of flinching. I think you're assuming that it means he's become numb to it as a regular occurrence, but it could just as easily show he's not remotely scared of her or that it's not happened before - instinctive flinching is usually considered to be indicative of physical abuse. Either way doesn't really matter I suppose, as her behaviour even in isolation is unacceptable, let alone if it forms part of a pattern.

I think all you can do is make it clear that you're open for a conversation about this and be as supportive as you can. You may find that they had a big row before coming round and this was an extension of that (still makes her choice of words unacceptable unless they are the sort of people that regularly swear in everyday use and use terms like wanker as 'alternative' terms of endearment etc ). You may find that both partners are equally horrible and the whole relationship is dysfunctional. You may find he's a battered husband. You'll have to use your judgment when Steve starts talking I guess. Good luck.

Dahlen, don't often disagree with what you write as you're always spot on but people can be vile when drunk and very nice sober, I've seen it loads and loads of times, acting vile when drunk does not necessarily mean that's them normally.

It might not mean anything other than she got mortal and became abusive and out of character, what was she like before bedtime, ok I assume as you haven't said otherwise.

If you really want to get involved then offer him a listening ear but I wouldn't read too much into it and it's up to them anyway.

In general it's best not to interfere as you don't know the whole story of what goes on behind their own 4 walls.
You might ask - kindly- after his wife and say something along the lines of she seemed a little upset and is it something he wants to talk about any time......

I used to think that too Jan45 until I started probing a little deeper and realised that the flaws were there all along, just much better hidden. Although in some cases it appears that people have an almost allergic reaction to alcohol which can manifest itself in bad behaviour, and that is different, I'll grant you. It's rare though.

When it comes to abusers (if that's what she is) it's nearly always a convenient excuse. The "he (or she) only ever does it when he's drunk" excuse is just that - if that's what it does then surely the only sane reaction is to stop drinking.

In general it's best not to interfere as you don't know the whole story of what goes on behind their own 4 walls.

Is that what you would have written if the genders were reversed, missbopeep? Lots of people would say the same, which is why domestic abuse has been a taboo for so long.

I work with someone who I think is being abused by his wife. Social services are involved with the family so I haven't said too much about it as I suspect he may want something of a haven from it at work. But in the OP's circumstances I would say the wife was out of order and asking if she often gets like that when she's been drinking.

I don't really get your point tribpot.

What would you want people to do? Report them to the police?

Is domestic abuse taboo? How do you know ? Depends what you mean by taboo.

My advice would still be the same regardless of gender. It was shouting and foul language, and she lashed out at him. Millions of couples do this and it's not DV- it's a spat. It's often how some couples live. Although it was in the OP's home I still don't think that gives him any right to interfere.

You seem to be saying the same as I was anyway- ask his mate if he was okay after the incident.

OP- maybe your friend didn't flinch because he didn't want to appear a wuss in front of you? Maybe he was trying to keep it all together? You have no way of knowing whether this is par for the course with them or not.

I think you have to use your common sense here. If one of them was beating the living daylights out of the other in your house, sure, intervene. But even when people intervene with couples in the street they are told usually to f..k off by BOTH of them.

And I've experiences where a friend intervened with a couple where the woman was on the receiving end of public VA and was charmingly told to f.. off by the woman.

I think you are in danger of overthinking this- it's not nice to witness this level of emotion in your own house- maybe Steve needs to have a word with DW about her level of drinking- which seems more the real issue.

I'd still just play it very carefully and ask if she's ok now and if he is too.

I'd ask him if this is usual behaviour, both when she's drunk and if she talks like that sometimes when sober too. You must be shocked, and I don't think there's anything wrong in letting him now that you find her behaviour shocking. It might help him to realise that it is actually shocking, and he does not have to put up with it.

Wow!

You lovely people, thank you for the advice, I'll answer in order, and yes, I've had a preliminary chat with Stevey and made it very clear I'm available to help and assist. Haven't told him about you lot yet tho :)

Outing; apparently she can be a 'bit cutting'' from time to time, but no specifics given as yet. Just ''a sharp tongue''

Band / Cogito; the drinking to very pissed stage was the second time in 20 years, so I can't see that as binge drinking. - And thanks for the link.

Dahlen; I'm with you on the drinking lowering inhibitions / not changing people thing, I'm wondering if that was the real her and this was her showing how she really feels about him/them. And yes, the not flinching said to me that he was used to receiving verbal offensiveness. They hadn't had a row before arriving, or at all recently so I'm told. There was no tension in the air all night at all, was a great evening.

And last night I dropped by their place and while we had a cuppa, I heard Sue helping their boy with his homework and overheard, ''are you stupid today' and ''don't be a cry baby......''

Both were - kind of - said in a funny, gee him up, come on, try harder, sort of way, and I've heard her speak like this before, but now I'm really thinking this isn't nice/good/positive at all.

I'm going to read that link and keep my ears to the ground, and in the meantime, my thanks to you for your efforts. xxxx

Telling a kid they are stupid or a cry-baby is bullying, no matter how 'jokey' it's made out to be. Very negative, especially when it's coming from a parent. There are far more constructive ways of making the same point. Sounds like 'sharp tongue' and 'cutting' are Steve's way of rationalising some nasty behaviour. Wouldn't leap straight to 'abuse' but she sounds pretty unpleasant.

She sounds horrible. :-(

Do you think Steve is the sort who thinks 'real' men should just put up with this?

Poor Steve, she sounds a delight.