Help me to get over this

[Candycrushaddict]

Ok this is a plea to all you happily married people who have had the odd crush along the way. I am happily married but am in the throes of an infatuation for somebody completely unattainable, not that I want them to be attainable....I just need help to stop thinking about him and get on with my life. Does anyone have any tips? I am feeling very embarrassed by it as I am certainly not a teenager anymore and love my husband and kids but I can't get him out of my head. Help!

You have to get over it. Stay away. Cut all contact. I've been there and it's not ended well.

Don't panic! Do you have to have regular contact with him? Does he know that you have a crush on him?

If the answer to both is no, I'd suggest you concentrate all the energy you've been spending on him, on investigating why your head has been turned at all. What's going on at home? If something is amiss, can you fix it? Do you maybe need to let your DH know that you're feeling a bit unsettled for some reason, and get him to invest a bit of time looking at your relationship too?

Hope you find some answers! The fact that you're questioning yourself at this stage is a good thing

Yes quite regular contact but not daily more like weekly or fortnightly. Yes I think he may have guessed I have a crush on him as I get ridiculously tongue tied around him, embarrassingly so. He has only ever been nice, friendly and polite to me, definitely not reciprocated. I don't know where these feelings have come from. I actually think we are the happiest we've ever been together, me and dh. Really just want to bottle up these feelings and throw the bottle into the sea. I don't want to feel like this. If I make myself stop thinking about him, do you think that will work?

I found the only way I could stop thinking about him was to cut any contact. Where do you see him weekly/fortnightly? Do you have to see him?

BTW I thought my feelings weren't reciprocated, they were, the result was a huge mess.

I guess I can try to keep contact to a bare minimum but not completely stopped. It's a bit complex but will try that for the next few months and see where that leaves me...it can't be any worse than it is now.

If your thoughts are obsessively returning to him then you may want to try some form of aversion therapy. (simple eg is rubber band on wrist...ping onto the inside of the wrist whenever you go to a thought about him). and avoidance.

Given that breaking contact is impossible, I think you need to try to channel all your focus back in to your marriage. Like Fool says, if you can divert your attention away from this man, every time you think of him / see him, back to your DH, and what you could do with DH when you get home, you might just be able to retrain your brain and move on from this.

I should declare whilst giving all this sage advice, my head was turned by someone else when I was still married. I didn't pursue the other man, but it made me examine my marriage and face up to a lot of things that weren't right. It was painful, we had couples counselling, and we split up. Best decision I ever made.

So as I said earlier, this may be an indication that you need to examine your relationship with your DH. Itchy feet should be listened to! It may turn out that you're 100% happy in your marriage, in which case this crush will pass. If not, you may still be able to identify what needs to improve, and work on that together. Good luck

Thanks for advice, sounds so simple. As much as I know it is the right thing to do, I know it is going to make me miserable to not get my fix. What a sad cow I am!

Can't you get your husband to do something like mow the lawn with his shirt off whilst drinking a diet coke?

Seriously though, crushes can come and go pretty quickly sometimes, so there's always a chance you might wake up sometime soon and you'll be completely over this man, rather than wanting to be all over this man.

I have experienced this more than once, years on I can't even remember what the crushes looked like and very happy with my OH. I was bored looking after little children, things have moved on now so just avoid as much as poss and try and think positively about your DH. It's so embarrassing tho, one of mine definately knew and made things difficult for me at work because of it.

Thanks again for advice. I am going to try to have as little contact as possible. Do lots of fun things with the family. Just try to forget him, it just seems so simple but my thoughts are bordering on the obsessive. I am always thinking of him. It is making me exhausted. I have been with my husband for decades and no one has turned my head before. I really wish no one ever did. He's not even particularly good looking, it's just an undefinable characteristic.

I can relate to this soooo much.

I still think about him and the feelings are really strong it's v weird considering nothing has or will happen.
Is it the unobtainable do you think?
For me my fantasies are always more enjoyable than reality...

I don't think it is the fact he's unattainable as I have really considered the possibility if he showed me any interest then I would be seriously concerned as I don't think I would be able to say no. However, he hasn't and I don't want to embarrass myself any further with these thoughts. I love my husband and really wouldn't want to jeopardise that, although I know my dh may forgive a one off he would not forgive anything else. But I am going to go non contact and keep necessary contact to an absolute minimum until I rid myself of these feelings. Will aversion therapy draw too much attention to it? Eg see him and ping a rubber band on wrist! Thanks again for advice.

You'd use the aversion therapy to stop the repetitive thoughts, not sure it'd work if you did it when you saw him - the brain is tricked into believing that thoughts of him cause physical pain so will stop, hopefully.

I'm in no position to give advice due to inappropriate, somewhat obsessive thoughts of my own but the crush will run its course eventually, they always do, just sit tight and try not to do anything you'll regret whilst your dopamine levels return to normal.

1. Make sure you get lots of quality sex from your DH, especially around ovulation time.
2. Next time you see the object of your crush, examine his nasal hairs in detail and think about whether you really would like to see them by your side till death takes you both.
3. Allow yourself to fantasise about crush object while . . . This make take the edge of the obsessive thoughts, and you may eventually even get bored with it!
4. Sit tight and wait for it to pass. Infatuations normally do.

Agree totally with AutumnMadness, fantasising (in your head - not out loud!!) about the object of your desire while having a marital cuddle with your DH is quite effective. And afterwards you will think 'thank god' that it is your DH lying alongside you, rather than the coveted one.

Because to be lying alongside the coveted one will either be as a result of, or about to cause, a world of hurt far beyond you and he.

You know that, I know. But as so many have posted, crushes do pass but you MUST be careful around ovulation time as your whole system goes into 'shag me' mode and combined with your current feelings, may lead to consequences that you can't undo.

Don't forget, you can't unkiss that kiss. I wish I had a pound for every time my DH has said that he wishes with all his heart that he could go back in time and NOT kiss the OW at the office Christmas do that first time. That started with a a (mutual) crush: he thought he would never act on it. Nearly three years of hell have followed.

Yes am looking forward to examining his nasal hairs! No you are all right and I am implementing this advice. My dh has never had it so good! There is no way anything will happen in reality so I just want to feel normal and sane again, if that means trying to look up his nostrils covertly then that is what I will do....if I happen to see a bogey as well then that will really dampen my ardour! There is no way I will find his nasal hair attractive, is there?!