Chores question for any older couples with no DCs or retired couples

[madangrymissus]

My DH will take early-ish retirement in a couple of years. Our long marriage has been pretty traditional in that I've only ever worked part time since we had DCs who are now living in their own homes. Subsequently, I've shouldered the lion's share of the chores and cleaning. I work somewhere between 50-75% of DHs hours, and for 15 years have been mainly home-based with an office in the house.
I'm increasingly worried though over DHs inability to do chores unless I ask him, and his untidiness really bothers me. He's a kind man and will do anything I ask but that's the point- I have to ask.

When he retires I intend to keep working for a while as I'm a bit younger than him. But I can see him doing everything he likes and expecting me to fit in the chores like I do now, round my work.

At the moment he sorts the rubbish and bins, cuts the grass, loads and unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the stairs ( but only when I ask despite me saying they need doing once a week.)
He also irons his own clothes but that's recent - I said I was too busy to do them. he doesn't cook and won't learn even though he's promised he will for years.

He doesn't do any cleaning- for example the basin in the en suite when he's messed it up with toothpaste. He sometimes can't even be arsed to hang the new roll on the holder. He'd never think of cleaning the bath out- though he only showers so it's never a tide mark! I've only pretty recently been able to get him to 'look back' after he's used the loo and throw some bleach down if needed!

He's very clean in himself- showers twice a day, wears fresh clothes daily etc. But he has no idea what it takes to keep a house clean and tidy.

Any ideas so I can educate him because frankly I'm dreading him being around all day every day if I just end up clearing up after him- which I'm not going to do.

Rotas, lists, forests of stern laminated notices (like 'clean the loo after you've used it') and regular feedback ..... man management.... are likely to be more successful then thinking you can hint or educate someone into being naturally house proud. Either that or he put his hand in his pocket and pays for a cleaner. Life's too short....

OK. Stupid question maybe, but why don't you just say to him:

"I'd like to discuss how we are going to divide up the jobs once you retire, especially as I'll still be working. Which jobs would you like to take over?"

or, draw up a list of jobs and approx time per week they take (including the ones he currently does and the 'hidden' ones like organising holidays, sorting car insurance etc, and divvy them up between you?

Sounds like he would be better off with regular clear jobs such as washing & ironing rather than ones where you can have different standards as to when it is done such as cleaning.

(ps I'm not convinced stairs need hoovering every week, so I can see where your DH is coming from!)

Would going on a cookery course give him the confidence to take over the cooking?

Rota!!!!

I would give him a cookery course as a retirement present.

I would also have a chat about it all with him.

I'd also ask him what he'd do if you weren't able to do the stuff. I'm not being horrible but both of you are obviously getting older & illness is always more likely.

My in laws have a food system going:
She sorts the washing but he puts it on, pegs it out,takes it in and folds it. She irons it.
She cooks, he washes dries or loads and unloads the dishwasher.then sweeps the kitchen
He does the very large garden and she cleans the house.
He does the morning coffee!

I think you need to accept that you will need to tell him what to do. Don't let it frustrate you, some people (men) just don't "see" mess the way others do in my experience. My DH is happy to do things - but i need to ask/tell him usually or it is a job that we have already allocated to him and then he knows to get on with it.

As is mentioned above you need a clear list of all jobs, along with how often they need doing. Then sit down and discuss who will be responsible for what. Then make a list/rota. He sounds perfectly happy to help so I'm sure that would work without much hassle once he has a clear understanding of what needs doing. Just don't expect him to figure it out for himself as alas he probably won't just do things because you mention they need doing.

Yes a list is the answer. I expect him to be intuitive. He simply has lower standards. I'm not fanatical by any means compared to some.

LOL at magimedi- thank you. We are 50s not 90s. If I couldn't do it he'd either sit in muck, get a cleaner or, eventually do a 6-monthly blitz.

I don't think it's far to expect other household members to just know what needs doing, although I appreciate it's frustrating when you manage without anyone telling you.

With the children we use a printed out table with the chores listed down the side (not all of them, just the ones that are appropriate). They initial (or make their mark) against a job as they do it. This way, everyone can see what might need doing, they have a bit of choice and we can see who has done what.

A bloke writes: We're not intuitive. Given a list of jobs, a timetable and a kiss with tongues we can clean a house that would melt the heart of the most catsbumfaced MIL on the planet. Rely on our intuition, and in a month it'll look like reality TV.

Not keen on the inability to cook though; I pride myself on my food and DW has grown wondrously curved on it.

I think you may be overthinking this - it's not even happening for a couple of years!

Surely you just have a chat about how things are going to work out if he retires before you ? Am I missing something?

LOL at magimedi- thank you. We are 50s not 90s.

DH had a (minor) stroke at just short of 60.

50s doesn't guarantee good health.

Had you reached 90's - I'd be saying don't bother.