advice about my marriage pls

[daisyjo80]

Hi, I'm new to all this so apologies if I don't do this right. I'm just wondering if I could get some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to.....might be a long one.....

Ok I've been with my DH for 12 yrs, married for 11 yrs, we have 2 children 10 & 8. We met when I was 21, got married and pregnant really quickly and I was besotted, he was my 1st love. Things were ok until we had children and DH started to spend more time on his computer etc.. I spent years at home with the kids all day then craving attention in the evenings (which I never got) & got increasingly unhappy. In 2007 this all came to a head when I met a man who made me realize just how much I craved the attention of a man, nothing happened, but it made us talk about our relationship and things got better, for about a yr. In 2008 things were back to 'normal' often I would go to bed on my own having not seen/spoken to DH since I made his tea for him. I met a friend (male) who had just been through a break up from his wife, we supported each other and started to get close, I found myself falling in love with him and spending more and more time together (much to the annoyance of DH), we both realized what was happening - this went on until about 2012, and after a very passionate kiss, OM quickly backed off as he did not want to be responsible for the break up of a family, he said that he 'would not conduct an affair, even when he loved someone, so do what I will' (i was devastated - I still am). I feel that I should have left my husband as I was so desperately unhappy, but at the time I was financially dependent and my parents attitude is that I've made my bed, I should lie in it!! Its one of my biggest regrets. I am still with my husband, when I asked for some space he said if he left the family home he would kill himself!! OM kept to his word and backed off, though I still see him around. I have a good job now and am no longer financially dependent, however I am still desperately unhappy, DH hates my friends, so I never get to see them - he hates me working shifts and sulks - but its part of my job! He constantly loses his temper and the kids often say how nice it is when he's at work!! We don't have sex anymore, I don't want to, but last week he pinned me down in bed and forced me to while I just cried until he finished - he was apologetic afterwards, saying he thought I wanted it, but its the second time that's happened now. I feel like by trying to make sure everyone else is happy, I am wasting my life and sacrificing my own happiness - I don't want to run off with anyone else, I just want to be happy again.................don't know what to do

sorry its a long one - bottled this up for too long ;(

Hi daisy - whilst I am not one to agree with any type of affiar, emotional or otherwise, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and it seems that you have been desperately unhappy for some time now. I had a very similar story to yours (with the exception of the OMen) first love led to child and marriage, and 15 years later was very unhappy but convincing myself that things would get better. My guess is you need some distance, although with two young children to think about that will be hard. My EH was a compulsive liar and smoker of weed, which was denied time and time again, to this day I dont know if he cheated, and there is no point now of knowing. I just know that almost a year after we seperated (my decision following the last lie) I have a much clearer head, and more importantly a better mother for my daughter.

I wish you luck in where you go from here, you may get a mixed bunch of replies, but everyones really helpful!

I was thinking it was possibly salvageable in the beginning, but the more I read the clearer it was that this is beyond saving. Your H is an abuser and a rapist. Strong words, yes. They fit him. You can't continue a marriage with someone who treats you like that.

As strange as it seems this feels like a tit for tat unintentional or otherwise.
Your H emotionally checked out of the marriage and left a vacuum which the first OM filled, but to his credit backed away from, and likewise with the second man.
And the irony is your husband noticed you had also started to 'check out' and suddenly he opts to now check back in.

The rape (or forced sex) is about regaining some form of control, some men feel physical prowess or power re-establishes the original dynamics (you wanting him and him being in control).

believe it or not your husband probably feels like the wronged party because now he is ready for you, you are no longer there- and that's just shows how self centred he has been all along.

Time to get out. the forced sex was the line. Sorry and good luck

what dahlen said x post

He's a rapist. This is not a relationship matter now, it's Domestic Violence. Please don't waste a second more of your life with this hideous man. Call Womens Aid, call Rape Crisis.... please get yourself away

I agree with that lot. So sorry this has happened to you.

You can't honestly believe he didn't know you didn't want sex when you were crying all the way through. He's threatened suicide. He's trying to isolate you from work by making it difficult for you to do it (and thus forcing you back to financial dependence on him). He is now physically abusing you as well, to try and force you back to obedience.

From your comments about your parents I assume you come from quite a traditional background. You have choices. They will be difficult ones, but you seem to recognise that the answer is not to be rescued by one of these other men. You need to rescue yourself from this - for your sake, and for your children's sakes.

You need to get out. He has raped you! You were unhappy anyway but that really is unforgivable and the final straw. I am so sorry that you are in this situation, I can only imagine how horrible and lonely you feel. You will be able to move on and make a wonderful life for yourself and your children - but you need to get away from this man!

Also I agree that you need to leave and be on your own for a while. It would be a mistake to move from this abusive relationship to another without giving yourself time to heal.

Thank you so much for your replies, I felt that forcing himself on me was the final straw, it felt like the ultimate way of showing how little respect he actually has for me. I don't want to be with anyone else, I think that would be a massive mistake, though if I'm honest I would have liked the support (only) of OM as he was genuinely good at giving support and advice...but never mind. I've never been on my own, and the prospect is so scary, but I think it's what I need. I don't hate DH, and I really wish things were different, but I've had yrs of trying and I'm tired of it all, I think I need to gain a bit of self respect and confidence now. The thought of leaving or asking him to leave scares me, not only because of the way he may react but in trying to sort everything out on my own, wouldn't even know where to begin. I also know that he will say things to the kids - when it happened last week, he told the kids that I wouldn't talk him, making out that I was in the wrong, don't even know why he mentioned it, but then he has history of doing things like that with the kids....he's very good at emotional blackmail, so I know things won't be easy

Daisy I really feel for you. It is an awful situation but its really good that you know you have to get out. A lot of posters suggest talking to women's aid in situations like this so that might be somewhere to look to try and help you figure out how to get out of the relationship. I really do wish you the best of luck. You sound really strong and like you have a clear idea if what you need to do for the best. It will e hard but you will come out of it so much happier.

OP - I bet it will be tough; but not as tough as staying, having "forced sex" and watching your children be manipulated by him, telling you they like it when he's not home, etc. etc. You're smart enough to have a job, so you know you're smart enough to learn what you need to know to manage on your own. Maybe your family will even be helpful if they actually know what is happening....??

This does sound painful. I wish you a much better future.

You're used to being dependent on someone else but you've already demonstrated that you can get up and get yourself a kickass job - which is a major step forward in declaring your independence.

He's tried to isolate you from your friends as well - another classic abuser trick - so reach out to them, you will need some real life support and it doesn't sound like your parents are going to provide it.

You can't stay because he'll emotionally blackmail the children if you don't - that's just another reason to leave.

I was you in January 2012, it took me until August 2012 and be strong enough to get rid of him which has made it very difficult to deal with the police but I am now just 2 weeks away from being a year without him and all my fears about coping on my own and making things work are gone. I'm happier, the kids are happier and he is pretty much irrelevant in our lives.

It won't be easy and there will be hard times ahead of you but you will get there and you will be better off for it.

Good luck

OP. he is abusive and it sounds like he has been for a while. you should leave but do so with care he may turn on you when he realises you are going so stay safe. be ready to call the police if you need them. contact WA. sorry this has happened to you.

also please check out the links at the top of the EA thread and see if you recognise him in there. things like ignoring you, failing to engage, sulking and separating you from friends are all abuse and now with the SA he is escalating.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1799986-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-24

lots if useful links there.
also feel free to come and post if you need to rant or if you want advice on contacting WA and on escape plans.

wishing you well. even if you don't find happiness straight away with another you will be better off away from this man.

you are right he does not respect you. you deserve better.

freemanbatch you and I both August 2012, and like others that have been there you don't think at the time that you'll know what to do or how to cope, but you will. Speak to your family, and friends that you can rely on. Do it for yourself and your children. My ExH blackmailed and manipulated our daughter and that was the hardest, but as long as you stay calm in front of them, even if he is kicking off, they will remember that you protected them.
Speak to WomensAid and anywhere else you can, we are all here too, and good luck!