How would you approach this?

[Llareggub]

Brief back story: my parents divorced after a long marriage and my father has since remarried.

Around 12 years ago, he started socialising with a couple. The woman was around my age and was in a relationship with a much older man. When they split up, she continued her friendship with my father.

Around 10 years ago she asked my father to give her away at her wedding. I'm not sure if he did but he did attend the wedding. The groom's mother arranged a lunch to meet my father prior to the wedding.

All these years later my father is still very close to her. He has helped her professionally and text and speak frequently.

My mother, brother and I have each independently concluded that my father is actually her father too. My brother isn't bothered about finding out. I think my mother would like to know as this woman is around the same age as me.

I'm not sure if I need to know or not. Part of me does want to know. She has children around the same age as mine and my children would love more cousins. I also think it is very sad if my father has kept their relationship a secret. Sad for her, I mean. And probably for him too.

Should I confront him and ask him for the truth? I am truly undecided.

Couldn't it simply be that her own father is dead or absent and she sees your Dad, as an older friend, as filling some of the things a father would normally do e.g. career advice, giving away at a wedding. Have you any real reason, other than her age, to suspect that she is a daughter?

Found out in the last few years that fil has daughter aged 50s we didn't know about. mil dead though, not sure if it would be good for your mum to know?

Wow! Thats a bit of a leap.

Umm but if you really think there is a chance i would want to know. I would ask him straight.

Well lots of things have made me wonder, too many to list here without making it a bit obvious who their identities are. She appeared from no where really. I pondered the possibility years ago but I am currently on holidays with my mother and after a few glasses of wine she asked me if she is my sister. We have never discussed it previously but she has discussed it with my brother who also has his suspicions.

She is very involved in his life and he in hers. As far as I know she has never had a father in her life so I guess it is possible that she has adopted mine.

He did ask me to join him in a restaurant once to meet her. It was quite odd and she was very cold towards me so I haven't really sought out another meeting. A few years later I saw her again at my father's wedding and we got on OK then. My mother told me she is suspicious that my father mentioned her, me and my brother in his speech but I didn't really think anything of it at the time.

I'm not sure if I really need to know. I'm a bit confused.

if you are confused I'd hold back asking him, your brother doesnt need to know and your mother is just curious, Once its out you can't put it back in. I'd give it more thought.Can you talk it over with someone in RL first?

You could approach it as a light-hearted observation.... 'blimey Dad, you and young Doris are so tight with each other, it's almost like she's your secret love-child'.... give him the opportunity to fess up. Is there any family resemblance?

He could fancy her, of course....

Well. She is very beautiful. Slim. A bit like me only slim. I might be a teeny bit jealous of that!

She is very happily married too. I don't think his intentions are motivated by a mutual attraction, although its possible I guess. My step mother would put a stop to it I think if it was that.

You'd be amazed.... The world is full of foolish old men doting on unavailable younger women....

Its a big leap from the start of the post which says they 'met socially' ...to concluding that she is your half sister, although obviously anything is possible.

He may simply have felt very protective of a good friend when she lost her partner, and has an almost fatherly attitude towards her.Asking a close friend to give you away (in the absence of having a living parent) is not at all unreasonable. Nor is the mother meeting him beforehand.
Sometimes 2+2 really does just = 4

That said ...I would talk to your father, and ask. In a non-judgemental way. The worrying thing in your post was the mention of "confront him".

Yes I wondered about the use of the word confront. I wouldn't make a big song and dance of it. I am very accepting of things generally.

Reading this I do see that it looks like bit of a leap. I wish I'd name changed for this because I can't give specific examples without the risk of outing myself and others which is a shame. MN is a good place to ponder these sorts of things.

I will discuss it with my best friend again. We have in the past and she had also wondered.

I guess the biggest pointer are my mother's suspicions. She and my father were still married when his friend appeared from nowhere and was suddenly included in all social events. Hard to say more but there were lots of social events at that time.

I honestly hadn't thought about it for years, not since her wedding. It's just my mother brought it up and has got me thinking again.

I am now thinking that perhaps some things are best left unsaid.

Honestly, if there are a variety of other indicators, then I would ask ....but only if, in your heart, you can say that you will not judge. Just tell your father that you and brother have wondered.
But know you can live with the answer.

I really wouldn't judge. I'm not like that. I would like to know the truth though.

is there a reason that you have delayed asking?

I know you can't divulge more information on here for fear of outing people, but there must be other factors at play if you, your brother and your mother have independently reached the conclusion that she is possibly your father's child.

The world is full of people who have exceptionally close, parental-type relationships with people who are not biologically related to them. Something else has triggered these thoughts, obviously. The biggest is undoubtedly the fact that your mother seems to think your father capable of it. Can she remember him behaving suspiciously around that time, maybe? Can you find out more about this young woman's mother - did she work at the same place as your father, etc?

You run the risk of looking a bit deranged if you ask outright and it's completely untrue, but if you're that sure of yourself I think you have to.

Good luck. Not an easy situation to be in.

I would approach it sensitively but head on
' dad me , mum and bro etc have all been talking and we reckon x is our sister?
Are we right?

Xxx