Seeing toxic parents and enabling aunt at weekend - please hold my hand and give me advice!

[Lottapianos]

Parents live in another country so don't see them very often. Parents have decided to come to UK and will be staying with my aunt. Will see them all on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Parents are narcissists - unbelievably long history of emotional abuse, gaslighting, minimising, the usual. I've been in therapy for 3 years now - it's helping hugely but it's a long slow process and I'm going through a big dip at the moment.

I do want to see them but am dreading it at the same time - toxic families are bloody complex as we all know. DP will be with me which is a huge support. What I really want to do is detach - detach myself emotionally so nothing they say or think can hurt me. Please help me build up my emotional strength over the next couple of days so that I am ready to face them and can get through it and come out feeling good about myself.

Thank you all

As an aside, if you're treating it like an anthropological expedition, it might be interesting to also observe your own feelings, thoughts and behaviours when your with them. Spending time with toxic people is always a great test for me to see what I've dealt with succesfully and what still needs work. And make some space after the meeting to be good to yourself.

Good luck for tomorrow Lotta!

We'll be sending you supportive thoughts and hugs from afar!

Smile, nod and say 'you might be right' in a detached and highly annoying but thoughtful way

;-)

Only just seen this thread, and am cheering you on Lotta. Nodding my head at many of the strategies talked about on this thread.

If you get asked something pointed and potentially damaging, it can be useful to answer with 'uh huh' (or something else non committal), as it tends to limit the progression of the discussion, thereby limiting its damage to you. Then smoothly change the subject by asking them a question about themselves, and taking the focus off you.

Good luck!

I survived Feeling very tired and very sad.

I kept lots of your thoughts in my head while I was with them - 'nod and smile', 'detach', 'anthropological expedition' and did lots of analysing what they were saying and why they were saying it.It helped me to avoid taking responsibility for the relationship onto my shoulders, and helped with identifying their unhelpful behaviours as their problem, not mine.

They are both so flaming rude! My mum makes practically zero effort in conversation, will ask a couple of questions and greet your responses with 'hmm' or similar and then sit there with a face like a slapped arse or even physically turn away from you to look out the window or whatever. Shocking. DP was heroic about keeping the conversation going when I just seriously could not be doing with it.

My dad also asks tons of questions but likes to think that he knows th answer better than you do, so will let you get about 3 words out and then either blaitantly interrupt or will completely glaze over. They are f*ing exhausting to be around and their behaviour makes me extremely angry (something I was able to control while I was with them).

DP and I have had an offer accepted on a house and my parents have offered me some money towards the whole process. I told them thank you and that it was very generous of them. I feel conflicted about accepting it but probably will because a) they live far enough away that they will have no say in exactly how it gets spent, b) it will be extremely welcome at a time when finances are tight, c) it was their choice to offer it, I didn't ask for it and d) I guess it's some way of showing that they care. It will never ever be enough - I would much rather they were able to listen to me and support me and take an interest in my life on my terms - and that's why I feel so sad today.

Thank you all again so much for taking the time to post. I hope that those of you with similar family issues are doing ok today

Lotta! I've been thinking about you! Scarily enough your experience here and your parents (especially your mother) are EXACTLY the same as mine!!!!! It's such hard work and yes when my ex was around, he used to sometimes help but more than not, he'd take her side!

My dad also gave me a very small amount of money, which really did feel like he was trying to do something supportive. But it was really small recompense for the hurtful advice & comments, ridiculous criticisms of my parenting and my choices and for the bitter tears I shed on my holiday beforehand and on my journey home. I only spent about 4 hours in his company!!! :-(

Here's a hug ((((O))))))

Hi Snoopy, it is so dreadfully life-zapping and exhausting being around people like this. I'm glad I have chosen to spend most of my time with people who make me feel good about myself - I used to think that was a selfish thing to want to do but I know now that martyrdom is not for me!

My parents have always been very into material stuff. Unlike many narc parents, my mum is an extremely generous and thoughtful gift-giver. They funded me all through university for which I am genuinely grateful. I think it's their way of being supportive in a tangible way, and in a way that makes sense to them. They just cannot cope with my opinions or feelings or independence so they throw money at the problem! It's heartbreaking in a way

How are you feeling today?