Will I ever really measure up?

[phantomhairpuller]

back story here

DH still refuses to accept that I have any right to be upset over this.

Fwiw I would never begrudge MIL time alone with DH and DS1 but its the way she's gone about it that's really upset me. I understand why she might not want a small baby in tow on a day out, it's a massive tie and its not everyone's cup of tea- like I said, I accept that. Surely what she should have done is called me and explained it that way rather than simply excluding me and DS2 from the plans.

DH won't hear me out when I try and explain my reasons for being upset, he just tells me I'm being stupid and need to get over it. And what pisses me off the most is that he won't stand up for me to his mother. I actually think he gets some sort of weird kick out of the fact that there is bad feeling between me and her and he's stuck in the middle.

Of course, what I would like to do is talk to her myself and explain all of this but she won't even acknowledge my existence at the moment let alone answer my calls

I cannot continue in a marriage where I will never measure up to his mother. And every time I try and talk to him he just shuts down and resorts to snidey, childish remarks. He's never been a 'talker' and he is quite immature when it comes to his emotions.

Where the hell do in go from here? I've spent the morning switching between crying and snapping at the kids

I can't do this much longer.

"every time I try and talk to him he just shuts down and resorts to snidey, childish remarks. He's never been a 'talker' and he is quite immature when it comes to his emotions."

This is not about MIL. She's just the latest excuse for his behaviour. This is about a man that doesn't take you seriously and takes it for granted that, however much he shows you disrespect and contempt, you'll still be there, taking it on the chin. It's called 'bullying' and it's intolerable.

So tell him - once - that either you're an equal partner in the marriage, that he shows you some respect and stops with the childishness and the snidey stuff (about anything, not just his mother) OR.... you and he will have to go your separate ways. I don't think there is a third way.

I've told him exactly how I feel. Once I'd said my piece I asked him just what I mean to him.... SILENCE.

It's not looking great

Sorry that you're in such an awkward situation. What's your next step?

smack the bastard round the head with a blunt object

I don't know

I can't do this much longer.

Well then stop doing it.
He either supports you or you separate to see what each of you really wants.
What do get from this man-child anyway?
It may be the wake up call he needs.

By the way - you will never 'measure up'.
And why should you?
You are your own person so stop trying to measure up.
Why would you want to be like that anyway.?

Smacking aside... do you want to waste more time with someone to whom you mean nothing?

No. It just hurts like hell to face up to the reality of the situation.

But then I have always been one for pretending things are fine when they're clearly not.

In this case it's not really about measuring up but measuring down...

He has to choose you or his mother.

If he chooses you then he has to support you in his/your dealings with her.

Of course it hurts and it's an understandable defence mechanism to want to pretend things are fine. However, go through life with your head in the sand and it may be nice and quiet a lot of the time, but you're asking to get your exposed arse kicked.

Do you have friends or family you could talk to or, better still, go and stay with while you take some time to think through your options?

God, nothing pisses me off more when arguing about something to be told something along the lines of "you're being stupid". Everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions and obviously when arguing those opinions will usually be opposite but what I cannot stand is being told that I'm wrong and DH is right. Whenever DH veers into this kind of territory (which isn't very often and has usually been to do with a quitting smoking issue) I just - as calmly as I can manage - tell him that my feelings are just as valid as his and that it is disrespectful to me to tell me otherwise.

I think you need to sit down with DH and explain something similar to him. Calmly try to make him understand that this is how you feel and whether he feels the same or not, they are your feelings. They are not "stupid" and are just as valid as his. He needs to respect you and accept that.

How are things normally with MIL? If they are normally okay, I would suggest trying to talk to her and let her know that you're sorry if she was upset about not visiting her, but you we're all knackered after a long day and just wanted to get home. It wasn't anything personal or intentional (and if you knew she was busy cleaning you could also say you thought she would probably not be in the mood to have visitors descending also).

I think if things come through another person it is very easy for meanings to get muddled and there to be a lot of hurt feelings. Yes she is BU, but you have already said you do understand why she was being unreasonable, so it's probably best to be the bigger person and try to sort it out (as i said if normally she's okay).

In terms of the invite, it might be because she's upset - but equally it could just be her not thinking about how you could feel. As you said DC2 is still breast feeding so maybe she just didn't think the day out they have planned would be something you would want to do, as it might be very tiring. Again, it might feel difficult addressing this with her, but it is probably worth trying. Not communicating and communicating through others can lead to so much mix up and reading into situations things that were not the intention that it can cause so much unnecessary bad feeling.

So overall - DH needs a kick up the arse to be a bit more bloody supportive and less dismissive of your feelings (gggrrrrrrrrr!!!!). And if you can manage it, a chat with MIL would probably help clear the air so that this doesn't escalate into a big unnecessary situation filled with resentment and bitterness. I wish you the best of luck with it.