It seems he's determined not to be happy. Should I just give up?

[Cardiomardio]

Dp is one of those people that just worries constantly. If its not one thing, it's another. From when we very first got together he worried about this and that - but mostly about in what way our relationship would effect his sons, especially as one is autistic and has a hard time dealing with new situations. So he worried constantly about this and put off me even meeting his boys for ages into our relationship meaning I never got the chance to properly get to know them before we were very serious and close to moving in together. So we agreed to move in together and he fretted about that - "oo what if dss isn't happy?" What if Dss doesn't get on with ds?" "What if dss doesn't wang to see me anymore?" Etc etc.

Anyway as it happened I met the boys, they were great, we got on really well, the autistic lad went back and raved on about me to his grandma so it was obvious he was happy. Everything was going great yet dp continued to worry and frett and whine and it just drained me. He could never just be happy and it left me constantly wondering if he even wanted this relationship at all.

So anyway fast forward to now, we've lived together since may, the boys have visited every weekend and its gone great, everyone happy - or so I thought - well eldest dss had not been for two weekends in a row now using the excuses he was going away (week 1) and he was ill (week 2). Dp hadn't actually said it but I know he's secretly blaming me off this and worrying that dss2 is gearing up to break off contact because I'm here spoiling their weekends. But anyway we've had dss2 past two weekends on his own and he's been great, full of life, chatty, excitable, grumpy upon leaving even - I was happy he felt so comfortable here. But last night dp dropped the bombshell on me that he doesn't feel I do enough to keep his youngest son feeling welcome and he's worried that neither of his kids are happy with the situation. He told me he'd even said to dss2 last weekend "don't worry, I'm taking you away soon for a week where it will just be me, you and dss1".
I'm shattered. I do everything I can to make those kids feel welcome a dp just throws it back at me. I'm starting to think if dp is never going to be happy, why am I even bothering? :-(

It doesn't sound from what you say that it's "one thing or another". All this is about his sons, and with a new relationship it's entirely right to be putting their needs first.

I think he's determined to see you as a problem and that is a really unfair position to put you in. If it's not working, I think you should end it rather than stick around to be insulted.

Sounds like a lot of hard work and whining tbh, what's the positives?

Please, for your own sake, get out now. I'm going through this exact scenario. Been married 3 yrs during which time dss has behaved badly to the point his school don't want him back in Sept. (He was at boarding school, which, from start, I felt was bad idea, isolated him from family etc.) DH didnt want hassle of bringing dss up on daily basis (he has had custody since dss was 2, although mother is in contact too). I've been the one begging DH to check dss' s homework, I've been the one helping with revision, I've been the one intervening in arguments between them, I was the one comforting dss when he got kicked off his supposedly best exam subject. Now dss (very sensibly) has decided to live with his mother (who has plenty of money, is going to pay for private schooling, DH is FURIOUS. He can't cope with it at all and has thrown the blame for the whole situation at me. He has just announced he wants a divorce and will "never forgive me for ruining the bond between him and his son". (I have ds too, btw, who has behaved impeccably throughout in very difficult circumstances yet I have never suggested that dss and DH's volatile relationship has made it harder for me to spend quality time with ds).

Result: ds and I about to lose our home. 4 wasted years. Indescribable hurt. The red flags were there early on. I should have run like the wind. Please don't end up like me.