What do I do know?

[PumpUpMyVolume]

Please help me.. I have name changed a bit over the last few months and am glad as H knew my original name and I don't want him to find this..

Anyway - H left in January. He was the SAHP whilst I worked full time. We had, I thought, come to an amicable agreement whereby he would take the DC a couple of days a week, one overnight and every other weekend as he wasn't working. I presumed, once he found work we would look into this and perhaps re-jig.

He told me he was going to make a claim on DS's child benefit as he was struggling for money and, despite misgivings, I agreed. However, on receiving the form through, I needed to say that DS no longer lived with me which I wasn't willing to do.

I told H this today and he lost the plot. Apparently, he was going to use the proof of the CB to apply for income support so he could get himself a place and continue to look after the children. I basically said that he needs to get a job. When he ended our marriage, he had to realise he couldn't be the SAHP anymore.

Culminates in him saying that he will only take the DC Sat 7,30am to Sun 7pm every other weekend . So, two nights a month. I am floored as he claims that everything he does is for our DC and how he doesn't want to be the kind of dad who only sees them once a week.. and I don't either but at the same time, I am not signing over my DS residency to him so he can continue to stay at home, bumming off the state.

I guess I am just venting but am really worried about money, about my job, the fact it's the summer holidays... I also have a DD who is older but is really close to her Dad and this will devastate her! It is just pure spite because I haven't done as he wanted (he has made other demands since we separated and I have normally just picked up the slack and got on with it)... What the hell am I going to do..?

I have some sympathy for him as a non-resident parent because it would be better if CB could be split between separated parents. It would certainly encourage a greater degree of 50/50 care.

However, he's not really sharing care, is he? Even before the blow up he couldn't possibly claim that.

Despite the difficulties, you have to stick to your guns about this. If you hand over CB, not only will you lose your entitlement to claim tax credits but you will also have set a dangerous precedent whereby he says "jump" and you say "how high?" That's no way to live your life and no example to set for your children.

Hopefully he's just peeved and will calm down. If he doesn't, try to think of it as a lucky escape. Any man capable of using his children as a cash cow and weapons to gain his own way is not a man you want having a great deal of influence in your DC's life, no matter if he is their biological father.

I suspect if you stay strong, he'll calm down and come round. Two weekends (not nights) a month isn't that unusual, and while it would be nicer for the DC if he was more committed and had them more, it's enough to sustain a meaningful relationship.

IF you choose a CM or school club for the summer holidays, you will probably be able to get help with childcare costs, so don't panic too much.

I can't help but wonder the response if this had been the other way round...

Have you sought legal advice? Is the divorce underway? Sounds like you need to get everything tied down properly & legally rather than trying to keep everything amicable which doesn't seem to be working

It's possible this is just a very angry response, and things will change once the dust settles.

However, he is being an arse. He has obviously found a way of using CB to claim other entitlements and see him right. However, when you are looking after the DC most of the time, they are YOUR entitlements and you are absolutely right to have said no.

My advice would be to sort out something, possibly through mediation, for agreed times for him to have DCs. However, in my own bitter experience, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

What I mean is, if he s happy/ determined to have only short contact with the DC, then there is nothing you can do about it. I spend months trying everything I could to push, cajole, encourage, almost bribe my ex into spending more regular time with his child as I was worried about DS and his relationship with ex. HOwever, I had to give up once I realised it was futile.

Concentrate on sorting your own stuff out. Speak to an adviser about what help with childcare you can get and focus on sorting it so you and your DC are in a good place. Let him worry about his stuff

So lets get this straight - you are responsible for the DCs more than 50% of the time but still manage to hold down a job; he wants to say he can't work because he 'has to look after the children' when he is responsible for them less than 50% of the time? Lazy toad. You could offer to give him half the CB pro rata, that would be reasonable - but wouldn't serve his purpose of enabling a benefits lifestyle. Don't give in. If he 'needs to get a place, where does he live now?

Thanks for all your replies.

I am at work so just a quick dip in...

Dahlen - that is my main worry; by changing DS's residency to his father, it could come back and bite me when we do start to move down the divorce/custody route. It isn't about the money as such (although I will admit it will make things tighter), more about my DS's legal status.

I am going to use my work legal line to get some short term advice today but am also going to enlist a solicitor as it is going to just get more ugly I think and I need to know what I am saying and doing is the correct thing. It's good to know that a quick sense check here seems to imply that I am - but I am so confused and close to the situation.

and SoulSister - it is not the fact he is male which has caused me the upset, it is the fact that he is the non-resident parent demanding that I, through lying, continue to support him using the children as his excuse to not work. I would think if it was a woman stating that she didn't live with her children, but looked after them 4 nights out of 14 and wanted her H to switch their residency status, that she would also be told to go away.

Anyway - thanks for your help and advice...

Oh - and he's with his mum at the moment.. who I think will also be crushed to have less time with her GC's (not that I am stopping her having them whenever she wants them but she tended to use the time they spent with their dad, as time with her - especially the overnight stays)

Why is he the NRP? If he was the SAHP prior to the split then I can't see why he wouldn't continue in the role.

Stand firm OP.
It may be awkward sorting out some new arrangements, but against stating on official documents that residency is not with you .....zero contest. None.
What would happen if he turned nasty over something else later and decided to rock the boat over the custody agreement....just to spite you? he would have it in writing that you said they don't live with you.
To be honest, true colours are showing. Its about being work-shy not about being there as a parent ....which is happy to dump responsibility for because he knows it might sway you.
So, so wrong, and whatever it takes (discussion with your boss? a week of unpaid leave? flexi-time? begging Gps? short term help from friends?) you now need to organise your life as though he is no longer in it at all .....he has taken himself out of the equation.

(and I suspect your daughter will come round eventually. It is amazing how their view of life changes when they see the picture through adult eyes)

Cinnabar - I assume name-changed OP is one of several on here lately whose relationship with her child's father has broken down because of the way he's carrying out his SAHP role. Rather than SAH being a proactive choice with dad ideal as primary carer, he's landed in it by default because he's too lazy to get a job/can't hold one down etc. As a result, his parenting tends to consist of little in the way of food preparation and a lot in the way of letting the DC run wild with inadequate supervision eating crisps while he indulges his love of COD or some other hobby. Mum then finds herself in the position of having to pick up all the pieces and doing way more than 50% of the domestic/childcare stuff despite being the only earner.

If I'm wrong, however, and he was a good SAHD, then really he should be the resident parent in the event of a split, or at the very least he should be given 50% residency.

Yes, that was what I was getting at, it was a genuine query rather than a dig/point scoring post - sorry if it seemed brusque, I'm on my phone.

OP's husband apparently ended the marriage, so changed the status quo. He is not proposing that he has main care of the children, just that he claims full benefits as a lone parent while OP continues to provide most of the care. If the sexes were reversed it would still be wrong. He is now withdrawing contact with the children out of spite to the OP. who does that?

OP's husband apparently ended the marriage, so changed the status quo.

I don't believe that, all things being equal and fully taking on board Dahlen's post above, that this is a good enough reason for him to be the NRP.

If he has been a good and responsible SAHP then the fact that he doesn't want to be in his marriage shouldn't change the nature of the day-to-day contact/relationship he has with his children. No-one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, although the children's stability should be a primary concern. And I would say exactly that if the genders were reversed and it was a SAHM who was ending her marriage.

He is not proposing that he has main care of the children, just that he claims full benefits as a lone parent while OP continues to provide most of the care.

And that's exactly my point - why is he not retaining primary care for the children? It's a genuine question, not a dig.

Again, all things being equally I would expect that the better outcome for the children would be for their SAHP to remain in the family home with them, even if it is the SAHP who has called time on the relationship.

That said, it's clearly wrong for him to try to claim benefits if he isn't actually providing care for his children.

You do make some good points Cinnabar and, to be fair, I thought H was a good SAHP and did do his share for the children. However, he did very little else - so no night wakings, no housework, no cooking so I think I did my fair share too, as well as providing all the money.

Perhaps I am in the wrong by wanting to remain in the home with my children although my son was just 1 and still bf. Perhaps they would have been better off being with him whilst I moved out - no-one has to stay in an unhappy relationship, that is true - although I had nowhere to go and he has his family locally. I would've been willing to talk through a different arrangement but it suited him to have his evenings free (OW) and our DC living with him and his mum whilst I had the home didn't seem to make sense.

However, we are where we are and I did seek legal advice to see whether I was entitled to remain and was told that I was. So perhaps I was wrong at the beginning but feel that a lot of his actions since have reinforced I made the right decision.

Thank you though Cinnabar, as this different viewpoint is what I need.

Stay strong, op. you're doing the right thing.

He is cutting his nose off to spite his face.

I don't want to make you feel bad, OP, that wasn't the point of my posts at all.

I also don't think you've done anything wrong - not at the beginning (you talked to him about what he wanted, which was to have his evenings free, and found a way to accommodate this) and certainly not now when he's basically asking you to commit fraud.