I know I should forgive my dh but I am finding it really hard, really hurt by this..

[Irishchic]

My dh and I went through a bad patch a few years ago. We used to have awful fights that lasted for hours, and the effects would last for days. When he was at his worst he accused me of being just like my father.

This really hurt, as my father was emotionally abusive to all of us 6 kids and we are all damaged to a greater or lesser extent today as a result of this abuse. My dh is totally au fait with my family history and the awful things my father put me and my mum and siblings through, so to turn around and throw this at me, "you are just like your father" really just hurt me so much i can hardly explain, especially when it comes from the one person who is supposed to be your friend and lover and supporter, its almost like suffering the abuse all over again.

When things improved he felt awful about having said this, and promised never to again. However, things have been slipping backward lately and we have started arguing more, mainly over the amount of time he spends away on weekends golfing or with mates, and lately on a family holiday going off to the pub to watch matches and staying for hours leaving me with our kids to mind, and coming back a but bit drunk.

I have had a few arguments lately with him and recently he threw the father line at me again. Then recently on the family holiday, in fact it was on our last day, (he had spent 3 hours out watching the lions game then wanted another 2 hours to himself to watch wimbledon and i got really annoyed with him about not spending at least a few hours on our last day with me and the kids) he had a few pints on him and lashed out with this line, "you are just like your father!"

I walked away from him there and then and refused to continue the (heated) discussion. He has since apologies profusely for this, agrees he was a prick, and feels really bad. Yet, although things are calm and seemingly ok between us, or at least he thinks they are, I feel so SO hurt, angry and almost hate him for speaking to me like this. He also during that same row swore at me in front of two of our kids, my 11 year old dd and 5 year old ds, and i cannot forgive for this either. I feel like i still hate him for this, just cannot seem to get over this, move on, forgive him and get on with things.

He is oblivious to this and thinks things are fine, though no sex lately but that is not unusual as we have 5 young kids and sex is scarce anyway. There is NO way i want to have sex with him at the moment and can just about manage to chat with him when he comes home in the evening to pretend all is normal.

Should I be pretending? Should i tell him i still really am angry and hurt over this? Should i just forgive and gorget and move on?

Is he an alcoholic? Drink seems to be involved in all instances of his twattery. Also, I don't know any bloke who would wander off during a family holiday to get bevvied up on his own watching sport. Watching sport, maybe...

Can he go a day without a drink and does he drink on his own a lot?

Thank you everyone for your comments and input, it is incredibly helpful to me to read all this and put it in perspective.

Firstly i should say that i DO have time to myself. Since i gave up work after dc4 we have always had a girl employed to help me out with the kids, housework and cooking etc. Not full time obviously cos i dont work but enough to allow me a few hours to myself every week, and at least an hour a day to go for my walk/run/meet a friend.

Of course this suits dh too because it takes pressure off him in the evenings and weekends, because if i didnt have the paid help i would expect him to do a lot more on the domestic front.

JustinBsmum You hit the nail on the head when you said that i had married the opposite type to my father, but overlooked his faults because he was so unlike my father and so good to me, kind generous etc.

He is a tit around drink from time to time. He is one of these guys who loves to be in the pub, but never drinks at home, and never drinks alone. He can go without booze for a lot longer than i can, yet i am never plastered, whereas every couple of months or so he will roll back from the pub at stupid o clock totally legless.

I think that the posters who said i need to broaden my horizons and carve a more independence out for myself are right. Paid employment is impossible for me at the moment as my profession is totally oversubscribed in the small town where i live, but i would love to volunteer and perhaps move into a different career from that, eventually.

All this i know. In the short term though, I am totally and utterly pissed off with him and am finding it hard to converse with him and spend any time with him as i am simmmering away deep down.

I know that this is not good and i should have it out. But i really do not want another confrontation these days, i just dont have the energy for it.

I guess in that way, I am copping out really.

But i just needed reassurance that i was not being overly sensitive or unreasonable for feeling like this.

Also, cant remember who posted that my dh was like my dad and me like my mum, and said was she also referred to as a saint, well, no one has ever referred to my mum as a saint, but actually as a really strong lady who raised six kids on her own while having to fight my father through the courts for every penny of maintenance she ever got, and did a bloody good job of raising us too, she was only ever admired and described as too good for the toxic man she had the misfortune to marry.

The simmering anger might be partly at yourself because no doubt you intended never to be involved with anyone abusive like your DF and DH appears to be behaving that way on occasions.
Is there some sort of support group around to help you deal with your own childhood experiences.
Perhaps relate could help you both to get to a better situation.
If he really doesn't pull his weight with the DCs is there someone else, a family member, who can help out.

Justinb - thanks, but there are no support groups of that type in our area and tbh even if there was I am not that type of person who can sit around in a group talking about my childhood with other people. I dont think it would benefit me in any way. My father was, and still is a horrible person who is not in my life any more and i'm very good with that. But my dh throwing him in my face like this makes me really angry as he knows how untrue it is, and its obvious he is doing it to shut me up.

Agree with all the other posters who say he is using this line to shut you up. The thing is, some things ARE unforgiveable - and throwing this in your face, not once, but three times by the sound of it is unforgivable.

I do think this needs explaining to him calmly. It isn't good enough for him to say 'sorry' when he's in a better mood. Throwing abuse at you like this, particularly if it is going to be a repetitive cycle of doing so, is going to damage your relationship past the point of repair. Your DH needs making aware of this. Good luck.

Sowornout Yes, i see what you mean, and i think you are right, and i am going to have to have a calm conversation with him about this. I am going to do so, as soon as possible, because otherwise this is going to build up and just make me bitter.

When you have that conversation, lay out your boundaries. Tell him what you will do if he ignores them. Mean it.

He is happy about that help you have for him , by the way. It is intended to take the pressure off him, not you.

Onefewernow yes i know that and I have pointed that out to him that my having someone to help me allows him to do his own thing a lot of the time. I think he knows better than to try and make me feel beholden to him for having that help because i still work pretty hard even with that help, and he knows that.

To know the thing that has caused you the most pain in life and to spit it out at you to hurt you?

Doesn't that sound like emotional abuse?

Perhaps you should point that out to him!

Yes Imtoohecsy, that, exactly!

Ouch. I can imagine that being gut-wrenchingly painful. I have lost my temper on occasion and said the very things I knew I should never say, simply because there was satisfaction in 'acting out'. I'm not proud of it, but it's true and maybe that's 'all' your DH is doing - having a little tantrum to himself by reaching for the one comment he knows will put you in your box. Perhaps he is stressed or unhappy?

I've been very stressed and very unhappy but the words 'You are just like your father' have never come out of my mouth. How they haven't is one of the universe's miracles, being as the evidence is gargantuan. But I have never said it and, God willing, I never will. It's my mouth.

ok, not a fair comparison - but it does illustrate that if you can hold your tongue with a child, you can hold your tongue. Whether it's an adult or a child, stress or unhappiness are not an excuse.

I agree, being stressed and unhappy is definitely not an excuse. But there are times when it helps me to understand all the reasons why something was said. Just to know that it wasn't 100% deliberate malice can help.

Fabergeegg He is very unhappy and stressed, i know that, not happy in his work, huge responsibility for a large family firm and living in his small hometown where he is constantly in friction with his father.

But....these things explain, but dont excuse what he has said. At the end of the day, he has a good life, seemingly has it all, so lashing out at me just isnt justifiable, and as springytoto has said, can be avoided.

I have to say I think "s/he's stressed" is used far too often to minimise the outrageousness of people's behaviour.

Being stressed, overworked etc., can result in people being unreasonable, going OTT, over-reacting etc. and we've all done it and we all know that it's reasonable to cut people slack when that happens.

But it is never an excuse for an ongoing strategy of control. And that's what this is; not a forgiveable hitting out as a result of stress, but a deliberate policy of using this technique to shut down the OP about a subject he doesn't want sorted because he's got no intention of sorting it.

How awful for you Irish. (I'm Irish too by the way!) My DH is in amazing similar circumstances - eldest son in a small family firm, dealing with friction. It can be claustrophobic can't it. I hope you make it to some counselling or even just get some space to talk things through. It sounds very, very difficult for you.

Thanks Fabergeegg - you know what irish families and small towns can be like then! We had counselling years ago, it never worked, we ended up working through things on our own, so i doubt we will go that route again.

I am going to have a tough conversation with him soon, just biding my time to pick my moment. Thanks for the support.