update

[delicatematter]

hello i posted a couple of weeks ago about my DH who recently told me that he was abused as a child.

He has told his dad but his dad is not being very supportive, in fact his dad is more concerned with selling his car to the uncle who abused DH

Today the police came and had a chat with DH, they said he has 3 choices.

1 Do nothing
2 The police will go and see the uncle and tell him what DH has told them.
3 DH can press charges and go to court.

The policeman told DH that the uncle is already known to them and that also he is known to the Social Services.
I thought that was very significant that he told us that.

oh how awful for your poor dh. Sounds to me like the police were hinting for him to do something. hope you're all ok

that your dp treated like that x
but huge that this person already known to them - has anything been done before now?

(((((hugs)))))

No qunadry then surely?
Desperately awful time for your DH - what courage and bravery to admit and seek help/justice for this
Which way is he leaning atm DM
My guts scream no 3 as well as closure for your DH and a sense of justice, it will prevent further offences, plus police prob have a whole lot of other cases they could bring maybe?
I feel for you it is so hard to think of others and your DH must have been through hell and back, you both must have been dealing with this

Police usually like to try and tell it like it is, without saying to much iykwim.

Maybe his Dad just cannot cope with it?

Brake pipes can get so rusty with age, and you never know quite when they'll go.

If he's already taken this massive step, (1) seems maybe somewhat futile, and the situation will possibly continue to bother him for many years to come I would imagine. (2) Could be an interim step before (3) IYSWIM; might make sense to take things one step at a time ?

Best wishes to your family.

agree wtih hub2dee (not about brake pipes, don't know about them)

I agree with everything piffle said. Protect others and find closure.

But surely if the uncle is already known to the police and SS then others are already protected? So whilst 3 would be the answer if your dh wanted him to be punished, he shouldn't feel guilty about endangering anybody else if he feels he can't go public.

'Known to the police' doesn't necessarily mean they can prove anything, sadly. It might mean they know what he's doing but can't prove it, and might be desperately hoping for someone to come forward.

Your poor DH :(

Others arent already protected just because the police and SS know about him. It just means his files gets longer each time hes caught.

Indeed - many people are "known" to the police without ever actually having a criminal record.

Thanks for all your replies.
DH has gone to see his sister and have a chat with her.
Another thing that i have remembered the policeman saying is that usually when one person speaks up, then other victims come forward.

He has said that he will not take the police,s first choice, that he probably will take choice 2 and he doesnt know about choice 3.

I know what i want him to do but its his decision and not mine to make, he was in tears before and i feel so helpless, i dont know what to say or do for him.
As regards his dad, no-he,s in too deep with the uncle, they have dodgy schemes going on and he has taken a week off work to get this car ready quick as the uncle is buying it off him, even DH has said tonight that his dad has no loyalty towards him.

DH told his dad last night that he has decided to let the police go and see the uncle.
FIL said "but that will cause trouble between uncle and his partner"
DH said "Thats not my problem"
FIL "Are you sure about all this?"
DH "yes"
Dont think that inlaws realise the serious nature of this matter, SIL said last night to DH "Well now you have got this off your chest, you can just get on with the rest of your life"

Is your dh the only one in his family effected? inlaws responses make me wonder??

how do you mean?

DM,

Has your DH been in touch with an abuse survivors group?. You do not of course have to answer that question but if your DH was to talk to them he may find a way forward.

Think FIL is in denial going by his comments.

Out of the three options given originally to your husband I would personally go with choice number 3 and blow this whole thing wide open. Abuse thrives on secrecy and the person who abused your DH needs to be bought to justice.

Am thinking of you, my ex DH also told me he was abused as a child, but only talked about it twice during our marriage. Never who it was or any details at all, I really wanted tohelp, but couldn't push him or even ask as it was clearly a very sensitive issue. Your DH is doing so well in getting this far and may not be able to face any more. I feel for you it's v hard knowing what to say and do for the best, but I guess the fact he's been able to talk to you is a great thing. It's easy for those for us not involved to say go for option 3, but it's him who'll have to deal with the emotional fallout and nobody knows if that will be a good thing for him, except himself. Good luck

I know what i want him to do and thats no3 but im not DH.

He said he doesnt want to talk about it for a couple of days and that he wants to think about what the police said and let it sink in.
He,s goint to contact the copper on Monday and ask him to go and see his uncle.

Yes, he has joined an abuse survivors group and he is finding comfort on there as am i as there is a section for partners of abused adults.

He told me last night that the thing he worries about the most is that no one will believe him but i do and im sure that others do but he worries about going to court etc.

I was referring to: are there others in the family I wonder who have been abused too but are keeping quiet? Or does someone else in the family know that this has gone on with your DH or others and this uncle and not accepting it (in denial) or saying nothing. Abuse is a horrid, horrid thing and I would guess people deal with it in different ways, but I think secrecy plays a big part due to the abuse and the emotional effects it has.

This is truely an awful thing to have to go through and deal with and you are being great support for your dh. Best Wishes

Ah, i understand now, yes DH thinks that his cousin was probably abused by the same uncle and FIL suspects that uncle could have abused his eldest daughter and maybe another one.

This is whats getting to me, Its as if the inlaws are saying "right now you,ve told us ok, move on now forget about it theres no need for any fuss"
But DH cant just forget it and he shouldnt have to, DH said today that FIL told him he is going to "have a word" with the uncle now that DH has been to the police.

oh delicate, thats just awful your poor DH that must also be putting pressure on him along with the actual trauma he has to deal with family that don't want to acknowledge it, its like its being swept under the carpet and that is so sad. Would of thought fil would want to do more than "chat" to uncle I would want to lamp him one...argggh I can really see your frustrations, is there anyone at these support groups that you could talk to aswell for helping you support your DH? Your DH must do whatever it takes to put his mind at rest iykwim and if that means going to the police and them seeing Uncle so be it if that is taking it further then again so be it. The sad thing is that the uncle could still be doing this, its sickening. I do hope the family stands up for themselves and support your DH.

p.s and your dh has every right to make a fuss for what this man has done to him and possibly others.........its so cruel

sil you can't forget about something like that. someone i know in rl was, i think, abused by her father (more than what she's told me anyway) and she can't forget it. she's had to move twice. maybe sil is trying to seep things under the carpet for her own sanity and isn't able to consider anyone else's feelings apart from her own? i'm not trying to stick up for her either. i'm glad your dp/dh (sorry) is able to talk to the police about what has happened to him. i'm not sure if it will make sense but there is a native american proverb "the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step". i think your dh has taken his frist few steps by being telling both you and the police. i ma thinking of you xxx (((((HUGS)))))