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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice on separation

40 replies

nancysgirl · 09/02/2004 09:41

Just a desperate plea for advice from anyone who has been through a separation/divorce.

Things have finally hit rock bottom with my H and I am seriously thinking of asking him to leave. Am concerned about money, access etc. What do i do?

Sorry, v short-typing with DD on lap!

OP posts:
Bond33 · 11/02/2004 00:38

I too have been through a particularly nasty divorce so I sympathise with you. I am now in a good relationship and when we get to breaking point we write down 10 things we hate about each other and try to improve on at least one a week, they are left in our bedroom so we can see them every morning when we get up (I have nearly moulded him into the perfect man). I lost everything when I got divorced because my happiness and my children's are far more important than material possesions. You are obviously putting your daughters needs first (women usually do) but take a little time to think of yourself, What do you want? If you want to make a go of it you must make him realise he will lose his family if his behaviour does not change and you will go through with it. If you want to leave/or him leave then that is YOUR choice. You will manage, It sounds like you have a good friend who is willing to help and financially you will find a way. Your happiness comes first and if you are not happy then your DD will notice eventually. Take care of yourself

nancysgirl · 11/02/2004 09:09

Hi!
I am supposed to be studying today but I think I am going to sped the day having a good think!

Thanks to everyone for all your advice-it really helps to hear it all.

Yes, I have in fact made an appointment to see another solicitor in 10 days so that might be more productive.

H being charming at the moment but I am unimpressed, speciaaly as I caught him texting in the utility room last night and he shoved his phone in his pocket as soon as he saw me!

Right-better go and think!!

OP posts:
Blu · 11/02/2004 10:46

Brilliant clarity, Bayleaf. Sounds dead right.

Still thinking of you, Nancysgirl, your additions to the list are spot-on.

nancysgirl · 11/02/2004 16:40

Bayleaf!
Cryptic (SP?) message. Operation DG on for Fri night!! Friend from previous work acting as Miss Marple!

I know what you mean about having the ultimatum conversation before finding about DG but if that is still going on then there will be no need for conversation anyway as that will be the end.

Speak soon

OP posts:
lilibet · 11/02/2004 17:12

ok, havign just been thru a very nasty financial hearing with exh in the courts I can tell you how it works.

Fist they take into account your joint assets

ie a 150k house, less 100k mortgage gives you 50k assests

Any endowments, shares etc are added into this

then they list your individual assets, savings, any item worth over 1k, pensions etc

They reach a total figure.

then it is up to the judge to decide a percentage based on various factors such as how many children there are their ages etc.

I got the house, but had to take over the mortgage and 19% of dh's pension which I get when I am 60 adn a very small (1k!!) endowment.
It is a very commonly held beleif that 'a roof has to be kept over the childrens head' and it simply isn't true. I went to three solicitors beofre I found one who I liked enough to deal with me, and every one of them told me the same thing. If your ex is still paying your mortgage that means that he cant get one of his own. If it is necessary for the house to be sold in order for you both to get enough capital to re house you both then that is what will be decided, butt having the children you will get the larger percentage.

If your wage wouldn't cover the mortgage, there are some building scieties that will take your CSA payments (make sure that you get it done officialy rather than just a payment from him to you) and your benefits into account when giving you a mortgage. But in order to get the house transferred into your name it does mean getting a mortgage on your own.

hth

nancysgirl · 11/02/2004 18:12

Thanks LILIbet-very useful info

OP posts:
lilibet · 11/02/2004 18:47

feel free to e mail me if you need anyting else or if I haven't made anything clear

One thing that my ex did was syphon off money. At one point he was drawing £1000 a month in cash out of his current account and it was going no where (apaprt from under his mothers floorboards!) we think he 'got rid of' about 10k this way so it wasn't included in his assets.

bayleaf · 11/02/2004 19:06

And are you certain that if he's 'at it' then it is 100% all over? REALLY REALLY certain? IF you are then it certainly simplifies things - but then you thought it was simple in the summer and it didn't feel it subsequently. And really these things are rarely simple are they?
Hopefully we'll be able to catch up before then onthe phone _I'm in all tonight and tomorrow nights- and probably Friday night.
If you need me to do the Miss Marple bit on Friday then no problem - tho it sounds like you've got a team of slooths (sp??) on the case!.

nancysgirl · 11/02/2004 20:17

Hi Lilibet

Thanks for your offer, I would be very grateful if I could ask you a few more things. Shall I give you my email-no actually NOT good idea!!Don't want to do it publicly on here if not OK with you.

Thanks

OP posts:
lilibet · 11/02/2004 20:35

I have sent you my e mail address thru contact another talker.
You'll probably only get it tomorrow, and then I only have access to yahoo from home and am at work tomorrow but will reply to you then.

xx

nancysgirl · 11/02/2004 21:15

Thanks very much Lilibet. Will be in touch.

OP posts:
lilibet · 11/02/2004 21:16

where do you live?

nancysgirl · 12/02/2004 10:56

NW Leicestershire close to Derby border.

OP posts:
lilibet · 12/02/2004 17:01

Not that far away then, I'm in Lancs

I haven't had anything from you

nancysgirl · 12/02/2004 19:35

No, sorry, haven't had a chance. Will try tomorrow or weekend when H away.
Thanks

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