AIBU to want to carve out our own life instead of always mirroring IL's decisions?

[gertrudetrain]

I can't see the wood for the trees with this. Yesterday DH and I had a row about the DC's birthdays yesterday and it escalated into a pretty nasty discussion.

DH said he thinks 3 DC's (10,5 & 2) shouldn't have birthday celebrations as such. Just presents, a meal at home and cake. He said the tea party at home for Dd, the bouncy castle party in church hall for DS2 and an adventure session for DS1 with 3 of his friends is over the top and the dc's don't appreciate it. He didn't get it when he was young, children don't need it and his parents did it.

My argument was that DH and I work, we earn a fair amount, we holiday in the UK only and once a year tops and the DC's don't get big treats apart from at birthdays and Christmas. DH got really angry with me for saying it. I was giving my opinion on it and he just shouted over me and wouldn't listen. The problem is he tries to model our family life on choices his parents made. Same attitude to food, money, holidays, activities even our car! I tried to point out our circs are different. His mum didn't work, they had more dc's, lived rurally etc so we don't have to make the same choices but he thinks I'm just being inflammatory and trying to challenge him. He then got personal and started attacking my family (he hates them, whole other thread). AIB ridiculous? I don't know what I want from this thread and I'm even more confused after writing it down!

Yes...he will absolutely blame all and sundry, and particularly you, for his bad behaviour...all abusers do it.

It helps them to justify their actions to themselves and makes someone else shoulder the responsibility for their abuse. This inner justification aids them in continuing with their abuse, unfettered by guilt. They can't just be an out and out cunt after all - someone else must have made them do it.

No abuser considers that they are abusive. They ALL maintain to themselves that their behaviour is the result of outside influences that they cannot control.

Even if it were true that he only behaves like an aggressive, angry bully with you, surely a decent man, having come to this conclusion, would end the relationship rather than subjecting you to more bullying?

It's victim blaming nonsense....

For example...his sense of authority over you is clear.

He will genuinely think "If Gertrude would only accept that I am in charge and do as I bid, I wouldn't have to shout at her!"

If you confronted him with this, he would deny it to the hilt and swiftly turn it around so it is YOU who is causing the discord by deigning to challenge him.
That's how ingrained his attitude is.

Abusers are so controlling, that they view your differing opinion as an attack on them. If you don't acquiesce...you are looking for trouble...and therein comes their self justification, in bullying and frightening you into submission. They think they are acting out of self righteous self defence.

True story!

Abusers behave the way they do, not because of how they feel - but because of how they think.

It is impossible to change the way someone thinks.